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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU Asking women who have never had an orgasm (primary anorgasmia)

42 replies

MuchTooHotHere · 30/06/2024 08:52

It's a few questions, not just one. I've copied this from Relationships in the hope of getting more traffic
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Although I'm an occasional user of MN, I've set up a new account for this. I'm not giving or asking for any explicit discussions. I did think about posting in AIBU for traffic, but hopefully this will get some readers.

I've never had one, ever, solo or partner. I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that. I'm fit, healthy, no medical issues, have has 2 long term relationships, not gay/bi, but am currently single (my own choice as I wanted to relocate for a career opportunity).

Anyone in the same boat as me? Any advice to share on these questions (as mentioned above I'm not looking for advice on new things to try, etc.)

My questions are:

  1. Did this impact your relationship with your M partner? I think it did a little in my last relationship.
  1. How did it make you feel about yourself? I'm generally happy with who I am, I'm conventionally considered attractive, very good career, etc. but this sometimes makes me feel as if I'm missing out or something is wrong or broken (but overall I am happy)
  1. Am I alone with this problem? I know I can be, but it's something I've never heard from a friend in real life.

If you are in the same boat as me I thank you for any insights. This is not something I've discussed in real life.

OP posts:
bryceQ · 30/06/2024 12:35

Yes sorry wasn't meaning to give advice just to say I have in past found it very hard with a partner but easy with myself

Fairyliz · 30/06/2024 12:34

bryceQ · 30/06/2024 11:46

I totally understand not orgasming with a partner as that requires a lot more skill from them and many other factors but you don't with a vibrator on clitoris?

But it’s not something you would try if you never get the urge.
Imagine living in a very hot country. Would you go out and buy a big thick winter coat just because you know people in other colder countries do?

Amsx · 30/06/2024 12:30

bryceQ · 30/06/2024 11:46

I totally understand not orgasming with a partner as that requires a lot more skill from them and many other factors but you don't with a vibrator on clitoris?

Not for OP as she's not asking advice for this but to the others on here who may be interested, get a magic wand or a bullet.

Original poster
MuchTooHotHere · 30/06/2024 12:29

And if you are in the same boat as me I thank you for any insights or perspectives for me, they likely would be very helpful for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
MuchTooHotHere · 30/06/2024 12:28

thanks @betterangels for clarify that.

I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that

OP posts:
betterangels · 30/06/2024 12:12

Southlondoner88 · 30/06/2024 11:58

It’s something you need to learn to do, it doesn’t just happen, you need to explore via masturbation and keep going until it feels good. Relaxation and curiously are key. Maybe look up some tips on Google on how to masturbate.

I would like to emphasise that I'm not looking for advice on things to do or try. I've been there done that

From the OP.

Southlondoner88 · 30/06/2024 11:58

It’s something you need to learn to do, it doesn’t just happen, you need to explore via masturbation and keep going until it feels good. Relaxation and curiously are key. Maybe look up some tips on Google on how to masturbate.

bryceQ · 30/06/2024 11:46

I totally understand not orgasming with a partner as that requires a lot more skill from them and many other factors but you don't with a vibrator on clitoris?

INeedAnotherName · 30/06/2024 11:40

Not entirely sure if I had an orgasm but if I did I didn't like it. Had uncontrollable sobbing after sex as I felt so overwhelmed. Never felt like that before or since.

I've always assumed I had crap sex but tbh I don't actually want sex, I want cuddles and kisses and strokes and hand holding. But these always lead to having sex. I'm divorced with two adult kids so it will never happen now.

Waitingfordoggo · 30/06/2024 11:35

People on here talk about being horny and I genuinely don’t know how that feels. I assume it’s a feeling like being hungry/thirsty/tired?

Yes, rather like that. A yearning. An itch that needs to be scratched! Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and sometimes it is prompted by seeing/being with a particular person.

Having said that, I haven’t felt it for years (having experienced it a lot as a younger woman).

Fairyliz · 30/06/2024 11:32

Greenislands · 30/06/2024 10:52

Same here and I’m 50. For various reasons I realised after reading a BBC News article (I think) that I’m probably asexual too. I’m married with DC, and have never told a soul as no good will come of it.

Yes me too.
People on here talk about being horny and I genuinely don’t know how that feels. I assume it’s a feeling like being hungry/thirsty/tired? But not one I have ever experienced.
I sort of feel like I have missed out on something but not sure what. Not something you can talk about in real life.

SafeMouse · 30/06/2024 11:29

This is me too. I also rarely experience physical arousal. I'm single by choice, but that's more to do with lifestyle choice than sex. I've been in LTR and once married, I 'went along' with sex as didn't hate it and I liked the intimacy. It was a lot of effort though which I also don't think I'd be bothered with now!!

Original poster
MuchTooHotHere · 30/06/2024 11:24

@Greenislands Thanks so much. It's very helpful for me to have the experience of others in same situation.

OP posts:
Greenislands · 30/06/2024 10:52

Same here and I’m 50. For various reasons I realised after reading a BBC News article (I think) that I’m probably asexual too. I’m married with DC, and have never told a soul as no good will come of it.

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 30/06/2024 10:50

It's very much a thing so you are not alone.

Can I ask though, out of curiosity. When you do have sex do you enjoy it? I'm sure most women would agree that they don't orgasm every single time they have sex, but that's not to say we don't enjoy it.

Is it both Clit and gspot that you can't orgasm? I can quite understand not being able to do one but not both, however I could be really niave.

Original poster
MuchTooHotHere · 30/06/2024 10:42

@Nonverba thanks for your reply. I'd also posted in relationship section, with no reply. so I'm not alone!

OP posts:
Nonverba · 30/06/2024 09:26

Honestly never had one in my entire life. I have occasionally worried about it, but I figure it has never impacted a relationship.

I have just never told anyone.

at 40 I assume either all the sex I have had has just been a bit crap or I’m just not wired that way 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have kinda given up searching for the elusive “O”