AIBU Asking women who have never had an orgasm (primary anorgasmia)

I have much better orgasms on my own with a bullet than I do with a partner. With a partner it's good but weaker. And I think that's partly their skill but moreso that I personally find it harder to get into the necessary state of relaxation and abandon when I'm with someone else.

That sounds kind of sad when I type it out.

I think a broader problem is that the media and porn lead women to believe that their orgasms should be this mindblowing earth shaking thing. And they're not, usually. I mean, mine feel really good and I love the warm wobbly feeling afterwards. But I wouldn't say the earth moves.

Also I think a lot of women from my generation (old) weren't taught much about orgasm and for a long time I assumed it would have the rhythm and scope of a male orgasm - rub rub rub rub POP!!! And it's not like that at all. It's slower and more...wavy, for me if that makes sense?

So yeah I think we get fed a bunch f lies and then there's too much pressure on and that makes it harder for some women.

I'm 47.

I had my first orgasm age 44.

Never had one with a partner, male or otherwise.

I do have significant pain and other related problems due to endometriosis.

I'm also going to throw it in (and probably share far too much info in the process!) that I can't actually orgasm with a vibrator. It's not the right sensation. Touch is the only way I can.

For me, it's partly taboo, I don't want pity. But also, people think you haven't tried x y or z or tried them hard enough. For some people something goes wrong. I went to a couple of doctors and they also didn't get it. I can feel a climax but there’s no sensation of pleasure with it. So no skilled lover or duper bullet is going to change that.

There’s no point talking about it. I don't want pity and I don't want annoying suggestions "have you tried relaxing...

@MuchTooHotHere I wonder if you had structured the post differently you might have got more replies. For example, if you had enabled voting?

I should add, I didn’t know anyone in the same situation in real life. I assume it’s some basically taboo? Even in close female friendships. At least it was for me.

Why the taboo??

OP, I’ve been there it’s so frustrating and confusing. You can see the other posters talking about never mentioning it, faking it and so in. I mentioned it to my friends who thought I was joking, to my GP who gave me generic advice and said it was a dysfunction.

In my case it needed a female partner, post my wonderful DH. Something I had never considered, was a total accident and unsought really. People will dismiss your experience, it’s important for you clearly. Hope it all goes well in the new city, place or whatever.

@MuchTooHotHere this was an issue for me until I figured it out. You are clear you don't want advice and I do understand that :)

How about trying to speak to some people in real life too, rather than forums. You mention a sister. Depending on how close you are it could be a topic to discuss with her directly?

Reading the other posts, it does indeed seem to be something that is never discussed in RL. I do find that somewhat unusual, since there is so much public discussion of sex and associated problems these days.

I’ve never had one. I can’t really answer your question about a partner as I’m long term single. This is probably partly why although I think my sexual dysfunction is bigger than just not being able to orgasm as I don’t really get turned on or desire sex/ masturbation either and I’m not sure on my sexuality or if I even have one. It definitely makes me feel like something is wrong/ I’m broken and like I’m missing out on something. When younger I did experiment with masturbation to see if I could reach climax but it was like I could kind of feel something building but then suddenly it was gone, like blowing up a balloon and waiting for the pop but instead suddenly just letting having all of the air deflate out of the neck. Following a sexual assault about 8 years ago I have been celibate and I don’t even try and persue relationships or anything sexual, alone or with another person, anymore. I don’t think it would be possible for me.

1. I don't think so. Why would it? Sex still had pleasure for me, but not one single++ amazing moment (I guess that's what O is like, I don't care what it's like, though)
2. Fine. I never saw myself as missing out (at all). I become angry when anyone implies it's a tragic terrible medical problem. Just FkOff with that one.
3. Obviously not!

Just expanding on the above to answer two of your questions more fully:

How did it impact on relationships?

I don't think it has. With some partners I have told them I have never experienced an orgasm, however, they see this as a challenge and it tends to just add a huge amount of pressure. So I stopped telling them and they have been unaware.

I do enjoy sex, so it's not like I am faking the whole thing. But when things are really dragging on and it's obvious it's not going to happen, I will fake it.

So no impact on relationships.

How does it make me feel about myself?

Similar to you, OP. I lead a relatively happy, successful life, so it isn't something I dwell on. I guess I do feel a little bit like something is missing or broken...but it doesn't have a huge impact on my life.

I do wish I could experience it, but it's not the be all and end all.

As for how common is it? Not that uncommon, I don't think. I know few women in similar situations. The main difference to me being that they do not like sex. The ones who are married do it as little as they can get away with and say they just have no interest in sex whatsoever.

Other than that, I suspect there are a lot of women in similar boats who just do not admit to it.

I haven't felt one in about 13 years. I used to feel them, but now, even though I can feel the physiological contractions of the womb there is no pleasurable sensation. It was something I thought about but couldnt share with anybody. As a married postor on this thread wisely summarised, no good would come of it.

I even went to see some kind of sex therapist but she kept asking me my boyfriend"s name and wouldn't be steered away from her determination to know his name. I didn't want to share that as it is/was nothing to do with him. It was to do with me. Something has disconnected between body and brain.

The sex therapist woman was dismissive and asked me why I'd come. She made me feel it was ridiculous to have sought her help. I think her angle must have been that I had to be repressed, ashamed, conflicted. But it wasn't that.

Nobody can help. It is what it is. I accept it now. As I've got older any urges have waned. So I feel a bit asexual now. I'm not really but I might as well be.

My mind body connection is over all good, I'm healthy, I exercise, walk, do yoga, don't smoke. So, this is one of those weird invisible disabilities.

Yes, me.

I'm 42.

Married and divorced, now with long term partner.

It was not a factor in the divorce, and it's not a factor in current relationship (or in any of my previous relationships).

I enjoy sex, despite no orgasm, although I won't lie, I would rather be able to orgasm.

I do fake it. But not immediately. I enjoy sex, and I urge them to keep going when it feels good, but after a while, it's clear nothing is going to happen so I fake it.

I have vibrators galore. Sometimes I do get very turned on and will use a vibrator. I kind of enjoy how it feels, but it can often just feel a bit tickley and intense. I keep going, enjoying it, and kind of feeling something building, until all of a sudden I just feel this feeling of "enough, I don't want to do this anymore", the urge just leaves me, so I stop.

It is frustrating.

I don't think there is anything physically wrong with me. Don't think anything physiologically wrong (no trauma or anything in my background)....I just don't seem to be wired that way.

I can't reply to those questions, since I'm not in that situation. Nobody I know in real life has ever mentioned such a thing to me. And based on the number of replies it must indeed be rare.

I posted just to keep the topic alive, and hopefully some others will come along and share their experience. Good luck OP.

I've only had two orgasms via foreplay and sex, both times were probably about 5 years ago. Never managed to get there at any other time.

That said, I can orgasm nearly every time with my vibrator 😆

Not to be rude but I'm sure if a woman can't orgasm she will realise she can try a vibrator, it's kind of an obvious suggestion that I'm sure people would have thought of and either tried or just don't want to.

I'm the same, mid 40s and it's never happened for me in any relationship. I have tried by myself but couldn't get into the right mood. It's not something I think about much now, I just think it's the way I am and yes I still enjoy sex!

Late 50s here, and finally managed to orgasm about 5 years ago with a vibrator. I still can’t orgasm without one and can’t do it reliably with.

To answer your questions:

1. I’ve been happily married to the same man for decades. I enjoy the closeness of sex even without an orgasm.
2. I’m also happy with who I am, but I do sometimes feel a bit sad about missing out. And yes, I do feel a bit broken.
3. No, we’re not alone! There must be loads of us out there but we just don’t find each other.