to ask people not to control their children

I'm very relaxed, we don't impose tech restrictions (yet, that may change as she gets older) but we do just do a variety of activities. She's more likely to choose going in the garden than playing on her tablet.

I don't force any food in, i.e. veg, but I do put it on her plate and ask her to try it (if she doesn't, it keeps going on the plate when we're having it til she does and decides if she likes it). She's more likely to have fruit than biscuits.

But. She's only a child. And the last few of days has decided she only wants ice cream. For breakfast. And every other meal. First day we tried offering alternatives. Not having it. By today the answer is just no. Because she is 2.5 and ice cream is not a suitable meal. But by your "not controlling" them logic I should let her decide, which would mean she'd only eat ice cream. And if she is allowed to only eat ice cream, all the healthy food she currently eats will stop.

This is a very good point - the type (and availability) of ‘junk’ food has vastly changed since the OP’s childhood in the 70s. In some ways, parents may need to be stricter now.

Likewise, the rules the OP describes around TV are quite typical of the time - I was a child in the 80s and we weren’t allowed to watch TV all the time, and it was usually my parents choosing what we watched. And I agree with PP that screen time needs to be more regulated now with access to the internet being the main issue.

Studies generally show a correlation between an external locus of control (belief that the individual has little control over themselves & environment) and eating disorders / obesity. Development of an external locus of control can be a result of environmental factors, both wider structural ones ie poverty or homelessness, and more intimate domestic ones. There is also, interestingly, a correlation of ELOC with OCD, anxiety, depression etc.

As another poster has explained really well, the issue is not healthy boundaries. It's also not even necessarily food, it's about control for the sake of control. There are many reasons a parent might be overly controlling - fear, insecurity, social anxiety, dominance - and many different mechanisms of control, including food.

Great idea OP. Give kids free reign and they'll never suffer from poor mental health.

Obviously they'll eat crap, be in poor physical health and be exposed to all sorts on the internet but as long as their parents give them the choice, they'll turn out fine.

Sorry you have suffered op but their is a world of difference between controlling and abusing.

Children feel safe with strong boundaries and in turn trust that you will keep them safe.
Pushing those boundaries is normal.

I don't agree with children doing and eating as they please without boundaries/control.

As always, tread a common sense middle line.

I was brought up the opposite, I had to clear my plate and on at least one occasion I was force fed.

I have a complicated relationship with food.

OP, I absolutely get you and I'm sorry your post is being misunderstood by many. I wonder whether it's a case of people who have not experienced being on the receiving end of gratuitous controlling behaviour in familial relationships find it hard to see that what you are describing is not simply 'parents setting firm, healthy boundaries'. Controlling behaviour, punitive restrictions or coercive control in parent and child relationships are definitely a thing, just as it is in spousal relationships. This is about parents inducing fear, guilt, shame and humiliation ‐deliberately‐ to influence children's choices or to remove access and any degree of autonomy altogether. I work with safeguarding children in education, and certain descriptions of this kind of controlling behaviour are definitely red flags.

As a PP pointed out, how 'control' and restriction is meted out makes all the difference. And that's ALL on the parents, or the person doing the controlling. Healthy boundaries, or not being able to afford certain foods, is of course different, but some parents definitely use food ‐or any number of things‐ as levers of control and subjugation, far beyond the realms of reasonable 'guidance'.

My autistic DC, a young teen, is massively sensory seeking through certain flavours and specific textures, and has no 'off-switch' -consuming these foods is her favourite stim and she fixates on them strongly. So I have to restrict their availability. But I'm really careful to do this in a way that does not in any way convey a power-over relationship, and I accept that she will sometimes get around me. And, while not great, it's OK.

I think theres a balance, we do restrict refined sugar (not very well, she ends up with one thing most days) or say no snack half an hour before dinner. But in terms of quantity of food she may eat at dinner or lunch we never interfere. It’s up to us to provide reasonably healthy food and up to her how much she eats of it.

On TV we are a bit more relaxed, she has a lot of activities (between 8-9 hours a week) and she’s ahead at school and we do work at home most days. We also play family games, read a lot etc but mostly we are out a lot. So if she wants to watch TV it’s fine. But I would absolutely restrict or monitor usage of anything linked to the internet for her own safety.

I think people here are being a bit harsh, my mother heavily restricted food (not in a healthy way in an abusive way according to my psychologist) and it will give you disordered eating. I know a little girl who’s mum always seems to have chocolate or sweets ready for her and thats not great either.

There's a happy medium. My toddler would eat cake all day left to her own devices.

Also, for many, many reasons, tech and food are quite different. Are you really suggesting all children should have unlimited internet access?

Children need guidance and training to deal with both food and tech appropriately. That's a parent's job and just letting them do what they like is failing to do that job properly. Incidentally, just controlling them is also failing. The goal is to get teens who can have more and more freedom because they've been shown how to be responsible.

That's a bit general to chuck out as advice to every parent. There has to be some control to better guide children through life in many different ways. Your parents messed up on a specific issue - food. I get your point but you might want to specify control over food. I’m sorry for what happened to you but this thread isn’t particularly helpful.
Do you have kids of your own?
You can post a thread detailing everything you've been put through, that might help you more.

Don’t get it. I had to ask approval for whatever I wanted to watch on TV when I was a kid and we had very limited viewing hours. I wasn’t allowed to just watch what I wanted whenever I wanted. Lots of my friends had more relaxed rules than I did

Exactly. Also the same as another poster who couldn’t believe kids begging for a tv in 70’s and it not ending badly! My parents didn’t get a tv until at least mid-70’s and carrying on begging and pleading with them would have resulted in short shrift frankly. When we did get a tv my mum used to watch daytime soaps and it was then turned off. It would go on after dinner for my father to watch the news, then it would be turned off. Mum and I used to watch Dallas once a week but it was on after my father went to bed (early to bed as rose at stupid o’clock), so we would put it on so softly as to not to disturb him, as light sleeper and small house, that we basically had to lip read. Apart from that we watched a movie on Saturday nights 8.30-10.30pm but there was only two or three to choose from and parents made the choice.

My grandparents were well off and I can’t remember them not having a tv. But it still wasn’t a case of kids being able to watch anything anytime and being ‘controlled’, it was that people didn’t have them on much and when they did it was for a specific purpose, not surfing shows/content/movies like we do now. My nan used to watch two game shows early evening Mon-Fri (wheel of fortune style), and my grandfather used to watch Benny Hill once a week and would watch a Carry On film whenever one was showing. Apart from that tv stayed off. If I stayed with them they would let me watch Doctor Who as a ‘kids program’😆. None of this is controlling or abusive, it was just a different way in a different time.

Or kids just learn that chocolate is a 'sometimes' food? Like they should.

I think that was normal in the 70s. And 80s. My parents were overly strict in that regard too, but children have never had a free for all on any screen. We never had a tv for years and had black and white when many people had colour. Some people even had two TVs! Parents get to set the boundaries on that sort of thing.

Gosh that's harsh!
OP is saying that her parents were excessively rigid about food. I don't think she means you shouldn't encourage healthy choices, more that if your child has no choices at all, and there are many forbidden fruit, as it were, they will struggle to make sensible decisions as adults.

Because @MrsDS BED is a mental illness. If op has a diagnosis that is.

How do you know they have a ‘mental illness’?

It’s an add on because one of the ways I was controlled was that we didn’t have a tv until I was 10. This was in the 70s. I had to beg for a tv and even then what I watched was strictly controlled. Couldn’t just put the tv on and watch, had to make a case for it

We didn't have a tv until I was 14 (1975) as we couldn't afford one. When we did get one there were only 3 channels to choose from anyway and we were only allowed to watch for an hour after school and TOTPs once a week. Begging for a tv wouldn't have got me anything other than a smack for asking and another for crying about it.

I don't agree with forcing children to do things but it's totally acceptable to be the authoritarian as a parent. My own children didn't have many rules at all but the ones we had they were expected to adhere to.

What tech did you have access to in the 70s? Many things invented in the 70s weren't available commercially to households until much later. The biggest tech I had was an etch a sketch!

I suspect this is actually about degrees. Not about there being control, all children have and need limits to keep them safe. You feel that your parents were too strict with these things. And it may be they were unusually so.

We can all only be brought up by our own parents. All families have different things and do things differently.

Some families have a religion - is it 'controlling' to bring a child up in your own religion? Some families are vegetarian - is it 'controlling' to feed a child a vegetarian diet? Some families don't have TV. One of DD's friends doesn't. Some families are Jehovah's Witnesses and don't do a whole host of things that most kids do. Some families as PP mentioned don't have enough money and struggle with many things.

And generally with these things as kids get older there becomes a point where the child can decide to diverge from the parents' way of life. Which did actually happen for you with your parents allowing TV even though they didn't want one. Even if not as quickly as you might have liked. Agreeing what programmes could be watched was entirely normal for the era. (And this era. Too much dodgy stuff kids can access if you give them free reign.) But again, maybe there are degrees and you feel that the degree of restrictions applied were inappropriate.

There's also sometimes a degree of grass is greener. You see the things other kids can do and you can't but you don't notice what you have and they don't. DS was convinced all his friends were allowed much more screen time, but quiz the parents and you find out that's not actually the case and some get much less.

OP I'm also wondering if you have siblings and do they binge eat too?

I have 2 (adult) kids close in age who have very different relationships with food. I wonder if they both give me the blame/credit.

So they can stay up up to all hours talking on a device, not go to school, shower, brush teeth, eat decent meals so they dont end up resenting us?

I do not think so in this day and age.
All over us will be somehow affected by childhood doesnt make for being a victim of it for the rest of our lives.

There's growing concern in the scientific community that some shit (i.e. UPF) food is actually BAD for you, not neutral/OK in moderation. And eating it as children is setting a child up for a lifetime of weight and health issues.

I don't think there's anything wrong with parents wanting to delay and reduce consumption of junk food as much as they possibly can.

Sounds like you're absolving yourself of responsibility for your lifestyle.

Looks funny in the light

YANU.

It's such a fine line. My issue is (and probably always will be) with food wastage. You had to eat everything on your plate (and they were oversized portions as it was) or you would be smacked. No snacks, just what was on your plate at mealtime. If anyone left anything, it would be eaten by someone else, especially if it was meat. The second I moved out, I started to binge. Thankfully it never developed into a habit. Even now I can't bring myself to throw away large amounts of food, and tend to pick at what's left. I'm getting better about leaving the kids' left overs for another meal, rather than eating it, but it's been a slow process.

The only positive about all the control over food was that your food was your food. If you were allocated a treat, even if you didn't eat it straight away it would still be there for you later. Probably because the punishment for stealing food was never worth it. That will help me if/when the kids ever say they want to save their left overs for themselves.

I'm trying to model healthy eating and attitudes to food as the kids are still young, but it's so hard when you don't have them yourself. As my husband also hasn't got the best habits himself. I fear we're fighting a losing battle.

Your experience is the same as my own, OP.
To an extent, YANBU.