to ask people not to control their children

Far fewer children die though.

The comparison on SIDS alone is staggering between the year I was born and 2012 when DD1 was born.

I’m not sure we are doing better as a society.

Modern parenting has created overweight/obese, screen-addicted, attention deficient kids with less emotional resilience and less physical fitness. I’m not sure that’s any great step forward.

I brought my kids up in the 70s way and it does make a difference.

Circumstances result in the strict control of food. Whether that control is due to lack of supply or from personal theory the upshot is - restriction.

You cannot compare the norms of a 70s childhood with today. You just can't.

It was entirely normal not to watch much TV. There were only 3 channels and very little programming was for children. My parents choice of what we watched ALWAYS took precedence over me and my brother's.

It was entirely normal to control food. Snacking was not a thing at all. We ate what we were given or not at all. There wasn't massive choice anyway. I remember one of the school dinners was cow's tongue. 🤢

The parenting role was different. Children were to well presented (no choice in what we wore), quiet when in the presence of adults (church, etc.) and swift slap would be the result of annoying an adult.

But, we had masses more freedom. I could leave the house in the morning with sandwiches and not be expected home until dinner. This was normal.

None of what I have written here is normal now. I have not raised my DC like this AT ALL. My parents and PILs do not interact with their grandchildren like this...but I do still see echoes.

Part of growing up is seeing the generational norms pass. I have IBS, allergies, asthma and eczema most likely brought on by formula milk and weaning at 12 weeks old. I don't blame my parents. They did what was normal at the time.

Know better, do better.

Also - referring to my above post - how would you even measure the prevalence of ED’s in underdeveloped countries?

It’s like saying children don’t wear ill fitting shoes in countries where they don’t have shoes?!

I’m not sure about your logic? People living in poverty aren’t “controlling” it’s their circumstances.

Exactly this.

How do you know? People in developing countries can still take the attitude that cake and sweet stuff is bad for you. India has one of the highest levels of diabetes in the world so people are conscious that reliance on processed and high carb food has damaging effects.

At the same time, in poorer areas there couldn’t be a stronger form of food control than families portioning out small amounts of food to each member.

As I said EDs have complex causes in which diverse mental health challenges - low self esteem/confidence, self hatred, body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, trauma, self harm, addiction, obsessive/compulsive behaviours may play a part.

It’s notable that in families with multiple children subject to the same environment only one may develop an ED.

Its not about the availability of food. It's about the attitude towards the food.

In developing countries there's no one telling young people they can't have cake cos it'll make them fat. There just is no cake. But if there was, no one would say it'd make them fat, they'd just enjoy the food they have.

EDs are more rife over here because there's huge amounts of food, and varieties, and a massive focus on body image. Combine those two things, especially in a child who hasn't learned that people can think different ways to each other yet, and there's psychological damage a plenty. Which can lead to EDs.

One of my oldest friends grew up without a TV in the house. She and her sister spent loads of time doing other things - sports, activities, hobbies, crafting, exhibitions, reading, theatre etc.

EDs have such complex aetiologies I’d wager there is far more going on than simply your family’s approach to food in childhood.

If food control led directly to EDs then the highest rates would be in developing countries where food poverty is rife. However, rates of EDs are highest in the west where there is far more food and far less restriction.

I completely agree with. Far too many controlling, obsessive parents about. They control every aspect of their childs life. They are unknowingly doing it,and in years to come I believe the generations will teach that. Its like looking back on mygrandparents disciplines, not great,but accepted in the day.

From a very working class family, I was a child allowed unfettered access to sugar and catbohydrate-rich foods. I was a fat child, teenager and adult until I got a grip in my mid 30s. I have still struggled with controlling my weight but haven't returned to being the fat young adult I was previously.

I really wish my parents had controlled my access to the piles of sweet stuff I consumed. Just not having so much of it in the house would've helped.

I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted when I was a child. I still developed and ED. You need to take responsibility for yourself.

give your child a choice and enable them to make the right decisions, don't decide for them.

They're children. Boundaries are a good thing - for their own sakes and for the sake of the people around them out in the world.

It's just not that simple. For example, my parents were very against alcohol but I had friends who parents had no issue with their older teens going out and drinking as much as they liked - we all drank about the same as teens which was sometimes too much and we all grew up to become adults who rarely drink.

Giving kids free reign can be just as damaging as being controlling, no one can really say what messages kids are going to pick up from what happens around them as they grow up - and they will get to an age where peers have more influence than parents anyway. Also we know there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism and eating disorders - who knows perhaps that is actually what your mum passed on to you.

A mostly healthy diet for children is very important, modelling sensible drinking is important, modelling/teaching healthy ways to handle stress and upset is important. I think blaming this on your parents attitude to food is easy but far too simplistic OP.

MsGoodenough, I am sorry you too experienced disordered eating. Your parents being relaxed and not contributing to your ED doesn't mean that there also is no correlation between OP's perception of having controlling parents and her ED. If she says this is the link, it probably is.

Posters who suggest that OP needs to 'take responsibility' -WTAF!? I can only assume you have not experienced the devastation brought to children and young people's mental health by growing up in excessively controlling households, or homes in which one parent excerts an unhealthy amount of control over the rest of the family, nor how this can continue to marr lives well into adulthood. Lucky you. Give the OP a break.

I am a firm believer in moderation and education when it comes to things like food and tech. Teaching kids about food, letting them help with shopping and cooking from a young age and enjoying family meals together all help to foster a healthier relationship with food so they can make informed choices about what fuels their body. Also encouraging kids to be active through play or sport as they get older so they get the dopamine/ endorphins from this rather than junk food and screens or gaming. It is also about modelling good habits, not making food an issue by talking about calories and diets all the time or restricting screen time for them while you spend hours on your phone.

I agree to a point OP, my parents were very controlling and there was no leaway for anything, once they had decided something was a ‘no’ that was it. They also could not understand for the life of them why a teenager would want to wear the same clothes or do the same things as their friends. It made for a very difficult childhood where my overarching memory is of unhappiness and bullying and now I’m a parent myself I see the things they controlled were not for my own good at all, it was a power trip.

Binge Eating disorder totally dominated my life for 15 years, but my parents were very lax and relaxed. I think you've made a connection which makes sense in your life but correlation isn't causation. The causes of EDs are complex and I don't think any of the research implicates strong boundaries in parents.

I’m absolutely agree with you op, as this was my life.
I have raised my dc with food that they can eat, healthy and not so healthy, that is accessible. My mum being strict with my food and the endless comments about other peoples bodies and weight as well as mine, led to me craving comfort food and a lifetime of food issues.
However, I don’t know if raising all dc like I do around food would work, especially if they don’t recognise when they’re full. It’s worked for my 3 dc and for that I’m very pleased.

There's a point In all our lives we have to take responsibility for our own actions and not blame others. Lots of people have disordered eating and they would of all been raised with different parenting styles.

Yes!! I grew up with a Mother who lived and breathed diet culture. She was clearly in a binge and purge cycle, but the problem was she bought the whole house (especially me, youngest child and only daughter) into her regime. I remember everytime she started a diet she would say “everyone needs to lose some weight” and being encouraged to follow her regime (WW/Rosemary Coleeny whatever it was at the time). But at weekends and when she’s on annual leave she’d binge and if you questionned it she’d say “I’m on my holidays” it was so confusing.

At 8 she thought I’d been dieting all week and got me a chocolate bar and said I’d really worked hard for that - because I’d restricted myself all week. She put so much responsibility onto me at a very young age to eat “well” but realistically what I ate was totally in her control - it was her house.

I went to weight watchers with her at 18 and when I reached goal she told me it was very heavy still, it wasn’t I was a size 8/10 and felt really good! I started to realise then that my own bad relationship with food was all down to her.

She was sent a photo in a family group of my son having a cookie after a sporting event and she said “you deserve that, you’ve earnt it” and I thought FFS it’s a cookie and here we go again. I’ve asked her not to speak to my kids about food being bad and good. We control what’s in the house and ensure they have a nutritious diet that way. I’ve also asked her to never comment on my weight again. She’ll say “you look better now you’ve lost weight” which I know is her way of saying “you were overweight.”

Ive read Lyndi Cohens book and there’s a chapter on this topic. It all made sense to me.

My SIL is very controlling of what her children eat. With the boys, there’s not been much of an issue. But her daughter is a different story. She’ll binge on anything given the opportunity and is very fearful of food around her mum. It’s very sad.