to ask people not to control their children

Oh and just to add, I didn't state that parenting didn't contribute to my ED, it absolutely did. I don't think anyone alive's mental state isn't influenced by the way they were parented.

It might well be the link for her, but that doesn't mean it's the link for anyone else. That's all I was saying.

As for EDs being a reason not to control tech access; that makes no sense to me at all. A whole generation of children and teens are suffering the worst mental health ever and there's lots of evidence that is down to smartphones and social media taking over from free play. I feel pretty confident in stating that unrestricted access to tech would not reduce the risk of eating disorders.

Just out of interest, if you had a child that was grossly overweight and you’d tried pussy-footing round the issue, and educate them about making healthy choices, and it had made no difference, how would you solve the problem?

I didn't say I didn't keep an eye on what they access but no I don't control it. I do my best to educate and help them make healthy decisions.

Have they ever made an unhealthy decision? What did you do?

So what happens if guidance and keeping faith don't result in your child making good decisions?
How long do you keep going?

Is is me, to a T. I constantly eat until I’m uncomfortably full because as a child I had to clear my plate because ‘starving Africans’ and there was never ever a snack available so if I didn’t clear my plate and I was hungry then I stayed hungry. Even though I’m now 40 and I know why I’m doing it it’s a really hard habit to break.

But we're not talking about the effect of not enough nourishment on the brain. We're talking about the effect being held to certain rules around food have on a person's attitude towards it in the future.

This isn't about the physical reaction to a lack of food. It's a psychological reaction to having someone control your intake and the reasons they give you.

You're deliberately misunderstanding.

@FunnysInLaJardin im sorry you went through this. I hope you are getting help with your issues.

I think you raise a really important issue (especially on a parenting forum!).

Your parents were obviously at the extreme end of control parenting and it was unhealthy as would be parenting at the other end of the spectrum. Obviously a lot of parents fall somewhere in between.

However I do think as a society we have inherited the notion that children need to be controlled for ‘their own good’. I think children need guidance rather than control. And as another poster pointed out one of the best ‘parenting strategies’ is for us to set the example ourselves. As adults I think we believe we know best as that was the way we were raised, but I think given the chance children would make good choices for themselves. I think we’re raised with the notion that adults ‘know best’ and that can easily slip into over-control even with the best intentions (been guilty of this myself).

If you really stop to think about it we as a society control pretty much everything about children’s lives from what they learn, to the physical space they inhabit, their resources, their time, their bodies and their food/drink. The question is where do we draw the line?

@IllMetByMoonlight It seems wilfully obtuse to deny that restriction is restriction. Of course it’s not everything. But that is not to say it’s nothing - there are certainly differences.

Indeed the effects of food deprivation on the brain - whether intentionally via anorexia or unintentionally via food poverty - are the same.

Mirabai, come on! Surely you must be able to see that the reason for restricted access to food is everything in this context? To deny this appears wilfully obtuse.

And BodyKeepingScore (weirdly apt username), the OP has clearly said that this isn't to do with parents keeping healthy boundaries, but rather what happens when excessive control is exerted over children.

It's still circumstances over attitude. It's very hard to binge eat when there's no food around. It's hard to judge people for an extra portion, making them conscious of eating "wrong", if you're lucky to get one portion in the first place.

In poorer areas in developed countries, people eat worse because of cost rather than choice. If you have a fiver a week to buy food, you aren't buying salad and apples. You're buying the £1 boxes of UPFs in Iceland, because it will go much further and last longer.

Whereas those of us with enough food can pick and choose. And we are swayed by those around us and the way they behave towards food. We can have certain things restricted from us (cake, sugar, chocolate etc) by other people. Which leads to eating it in secret, or binging when you can get it. We can be told we're fat because we eat too much, which can lead to us restricting our own food.

I know people who don't know when they're full because they were forced to stay at the table til their plate was empty. They weren't allowed to listen to their bodies telling them they were full because of a fear of food waste and a lecture about "starving children in Africa". They now struggle with over eating.

There are studies all over the internet about it, and in psychology journals etc. Try having a search.

I don't know if it really works like that OP, my parents were not controlling at all of what I ate and I also developed a binge eating disorder. I often wish my parents were more clued up on healthy food when I was younger and had encouraged us to be more active but they were doing the best they could and even if they had done all that I'd probably still be as I am.

It is neglectful to not make good choices for your children before they are old enough to understand the consequences of their choices and make informed decisions.

And OP I would say too much freedom is just as harmful as too little - be careful you’re not
overcompensating for your own childhood and allowing your DC to do things that will be harmful long term.

SIDS is one example of medical condition - there are many others. Medical advances since 1970 have played a key role in reduction of child mortality.

Now children have fewer accidents because they are more supervised and more likely to be at a pc than up a tree. There are fewer deaths but an increase in disease.

Ok, reading your subsequent posts OP , you are talking about control for the sake of control - basically exercising power over your children not for their own good but because you can.

I’m sure everyone would agree that acting like this towards your kids is not ok.

But that’s very different from letting them make their own choices around food/tech. Controlling your child’s diet and tech access, for their own safety and health, is a huge and necessary part of parenting.

The important thing is to make sure your rules are actually necessary for your child’s benefit, and not just because you enjoy being in charge.

Restriction is restriction. The effect is the comparable whatever the genesis.

SIDS is but one example.

Here's drowning deaths:

www.watersafetyscotland.org.uk/docs/delivering-accident-prevention.pdf

Children are physically safer now. Fewer children die from accidental death than when I was a child in 1970s.

This reduction is multi-faceted but part of it is better supervision from parents because children don't disappear all day to play.

So you have two teen DS and you don't exert any control over their tech? So you're potentially happy for them to watch violent and extreme porn then? Or access sites that aren't appropriate? I don't understand how you believe that it's not wise for parents to exert control over their children's access to tech?

But the restriction is completely different: one is out of control the other circumstance. I’m really struggling to wrap my head around the point you’re trying to make.

This is a general comment, not necessarily aimed at the OP, but I find it sad the go to nowadays is to make our parents responsible for all of our problems in life.

Sometimes, it’s because of our own choices and behaviours, and lack of personal responsibility/ accountability that something has gone wrong. Our parents are not the only influence that shapes us into who we become.

All good parents have to ‘control’ their children’s behaviour to a degree. You know that the first time they toddle near a busy road and you grab their hand.

Some parents get off on that and become tyrants. It’s fucked up parenting that is the problem - not ‘control’ per se.

That’s a different issue - it’s the result of medical advances particularly in neonatal care and also increased public awareness. Intensive care for babies including premature babies hugely improved from 1975 onwards.

At the same time asd, super allergies, diabetes, cancer rates have risen.