to ask people not to control their children

I don't think there is a solution. My parents weren't controlling or lax, they took a middle ground. We ate healthily but with a few treats, and had some tv and tech but not too much. They set great examples themselves and live healthy happy lives. Meanwhile I binge eat and am overweight, and always have been. One sibling is like me, the other slim. I obviously don't blame my parents! Just the way I am I suppose.

The aspect that they got wrong was thinking they had to control me rather than trusting me to work it out for myself, obviously with careful guidance.

You don’t say what form the control took.

One person’s control is another’s careful guidance..

@FunnysInLaJardin So were mine. Food control is generally a combination of factors as I have said.

I find it depressing the one day my kids will
probably blame me for all that’s ’wrong’ in their lives! I hope they remember the good bits too…

There was no control and we were brought up on processed shit food. I have BED too.
I don't think it's as simple as you were given guidance of what foods you should caused this.

I presume more control would not have children under 10 carrying knives and being out till midnight and later wandering the streets

I have read her posts thanks and she has not given any info about finances at all.

My family was relatively well off - private school, music lessons, foreign holidays etc- but despite or perhaps befcause of this - food and clothes were carefully managed as there wasn’t a lot of spare cash. That was the same with most families I knew. Back in the 70s there was much less credit, far fewer food shops, restaurants and takeaways.

I think I understand OP's point. It's important to help your child move from an external locus of control (doing or not doing things because of something external, such as a parent) to an internal locus of control (making wise decisions about things yourself). Where parents are too controlling for too long (eg never allowing a child to make their own decisions about what to eat) the child may never develop that internal locus, may never have confidence in their ability to self-control. It's a process and it takes years. It's not about giving your child completely free rein from day 1 but about gradual adjustment.

I can completely see how someone with their own issues around food passes them on by being too controlling- they see food as something fearful and appetite as something to be controlled absolutely. They are therefore too afraid to let their child take any control themselves. Child then reaches adulthood having never made their own decisions about what to eat and never learnt the natural lessons that come from getting it wrong sometimes (eg eating too much and feeling uncomfortable)- the only lesson they have learnt is that access to food might be restricted so you should eat what you can when you can.

@FunnysInLaJardin

It’s interesting your parents were war children - so were mine. Living through rationing I think made people mindful of the value of food and organised in its use - thus home economics were practised and food not to be wasted. It’s very different now.

Also that your mum had anorexic tendencies - which is a key factor in children’s EDs which you wlll know.

I guess my problem with the “trust your children” approach is that - in many families that leads to childhood overweight/obesity. Among my kids - one underate naturally and was never hungry. If I left him to eat what he wanted it would be very little. Instead we worked on his digestion and to find foods that he liked that were also nutritious.

Read all OPs posts. It comes from her parents growing up during the war and her mothers anorexia. We do know this information. They were also the same with her TV watching, very controlling.

I presume OP knows her own background and started a discussion around control for controls sake, because that's what she worries about.

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

We don’t know OP’s family’s financial circumstances - food control may have been a combination of beliefs and economics - that’s the point.

@FunnysInLaJardin binge eating is so hard - I have it and my mum's idea of exercising control was to occasionally call me a piggy if I ate too much and point out that I didn't have her superior self control. I still don't like eating in front of her as she's bound to make some kind of comment on my eating.

Fwiw I feel both that you have to slide from teaching good routines, to helping them make good choices but some of us are always going to struggle with food regardless of parenting and it's important to understand the genetic factors - no surprise your mum had her own issues.

reading the responses here, it is very interesting how many people say that they willingly control their DC

Everyone controls their DC though to a certain point and it’s disingenuous to think otherwise. Food - who shops? A toddler doesn’t have cash, have the ability to drive a car, shop at a supermarket. So parents buy the food, thus parents control the food. When ours were kids we never had junk/processed food in the house as DH and I didn’t eat it so why would we have it at home? We never had crisps, soft drink, lollies, biscuits, ice creams, packaged foods in the cupboard/fridge (apart from dry pasta, tinned tuna for tuna bake etc), so therefore we ‘controlled’ that our kids never ate junk/processed food at home.

They had canteen lunch once a week, (here, no school lunches but canteens where back in my kids day you had to write on a bag, put money in and hand it in to canteen before school, nowadays it’s all on app that parents use, not kids!). We ordered a salad sandwich on wholemeal for them. Then once every 6 weeks they got to pick whatever they wanted, meat pie, sausage roll or whatnot. They were given canteen money once a month to choose something to buy at lunch, an ice block or whatnot.

That’s all parenting, and responsible parenting is controlling what your kids have access to and what they eat. Exactly the same for tech.

I think this was very, very common. We can take it a generation further upstream - one which grew up with war rations. That must have results in all manner of 'controlled' eating and a difficult relationship with food.

We cannot change the past, or how we were raised. We can change our response to it.

Great post. Moderation is key. There is no point in banning 'unhealthy' food. It will always be around. The important thing is to instil a healthy attitude which means never over indulging in anything.

I had an eating disorder and had no limits on anything but I do get what you are saying. I think it's balance not permissive though

I know someone who was extremely controlling with food and it has affected their DC a lot.

That's not to say I think you give DC complete free reign. But you have to let DC make some decisions or they will never learn to make wise decisions.

In the context of this thread that's not what is being discussed and therefore you're deliberately going off topic.

I will not be derailing the thread any further with you.

I’m not you’re just not seeing the bigger picture.

Some families have rules around food from philosophy and some have rules around food because money is tight. Some may be a bit of both.

The effect is feeling deprived of certain kinds of foods that are off the menu at home.

Food restriction from either source may impact the relationship with food in the future, or it may not - it depends on the person.

My 8 year old would have lunch at 10am if I didn't control what time "lunch time" was. It's particularly difficult in the school holidays when she will constantly ask for chocolate and snacks. I'm not sure what would happen if I just said yes to every food demand, potentially an overweight child with some health concerns.

Yabu. Learning good boundaries is an important part of childhood and being a teen.
Yes I will control the amount of biscuits etc my kids eat as I can't afford to buy multiple packs and everyone needs to have some

Same with tech. Healthy habits are important - how are these to be developed if not by parental boundaries