Working mums (of more than 1) are selfish

I’m a SAHM and find this attitude odd. Without working mums there wouldn’t have been the incredible HV I had when my eldest was born who was a lifeline to me when I was really low, or many of the teachers at the school he’ll go to, or the midwives who delivered my children, the women who run the groups we go to every week, our amazing GP… and the list goes on, obviously.

I find that people who judge someone else’s parenting choices are just insecure with their own. I’ve heard all the reasons being a SAHM is a bad thing, but it’s the choice I made and I’m happy with it.

My ds is 3 months. Going back to work at 5 month. I hate its so early but i have to. I live in a foreign country so i need my work visa. Also im a teacher in the best school in the city. My kids are guaranteed a place there if i work there. We don't need the money but we need my job for his education.

I also see it as a good life experience. My son gets to play with other kids and learn lots of social skills. I see so many kids who have sahm who dont know how to share and play with other kids.

I guess if it's selfish to work then it's also selfish not to work.

Non working mums can dress it up any way they want: it's best for the kids, the most important job in the world, they put their kids first etc. But the reality is some people just don't want to work. Their choice but just say so.

I believe parenting is the most judegmental situation anyone can and will have opnions on.
I love working.
I could say the amount of people who say i could work part, yeah i like a standard of living amongst my choices of living
Why do i need to be home when everyone else isnt.
I now have the joy of a adaptable workplace so times are changing.
Some of us are also not first time parents.
Smile. Let her staying in her bubble.

I'm not 100% sure which way is "YABU" and which way is "YANBU". I voted YABU based on your title and the question "deep down do you think it’s selfish of mums of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?" even though it's pretty clear from your post that you are (correctly) in disagreement with the weapons-grade misogyny of both.

If you're still in doubt, let me rephrase the question in a reasonable and egalitarian way:

Working parents (of more than 1) are selfish

Is a line a heard today at a birthday party for my eldest (5). Most of the parents don’t work or work part time and were waxing lyrically how selfish it is for parents of more than 1 to be working FT. Lines such as ‘you only get the time once’ ‘you miss so much’ ‘ a career can wait’ ‘parents like that are a bit selfish, especially with more than one’

i pointed out I work FT out of necessity, but it’s probably more priorities (we have relatively high expenses). Parents got a bit sheepish then.

is this a commonly held belief; I honestly felt so judged.

i can’t work out if it was actual pure judgement for working parents or maybe justifying a choice/ decision not to work professionally speaking?

i don’t know I’d never go around judging a parent for not working or going part time. You do you. Is this a commonly held belief?

deep down do you think it’s selfish of parents of young kids to work, esp when you don’t ’have to’?

It’s mainly the other way round as you can see by the responses to your thread - as in people slagging off stay at home Mum

I haven't seen it at all on this thread. What I have seen is slagging off the attitudes shown by the women in the OP's OP.

An 18 month doesnt give a shit about you setting a good example I always laugh when I see this response

Hilarious. But the older child looking back can do.

More judgmental trope thrown at women. This is so tiresome & typical. We are damned if we do, damned if we don’t. And it’s sad to see a fair bit of this coming from other women. Parenting is extremely hard and we need to do it however we can- for some that means working longer hours to earn more. Can as n we please stop with this boring criticism and start supporting each other. The only time we need to call someone out is if they are harming the child.

My mum started teaching and put all three of us kids through university.
They couldn’t afford it on my dad’s salary.

If that’s not selfless I don’t know what is.

Also a mum who works full time. I’ve never thought of mums who work full time selfish, more that those who work part time are lucky. I wish I had the opportunity to work part time

There's nothing wrong with that and it's a good use of a life to raise a child

That made me smile.

Notice they don't criticize dads for working. It's always only the mom. The internalized misogyny is strong with those women. I call them parenting nazis. They take pride is demeaning moms who aren't like them and feeling superior to them.
They're a nasty, petty bunch of mean girl bitches.

So females' sole purpose in life is to grow up breed and raise children and spend 8 hours a day doing housework? So their daughters go on to do the same

My sister worked full time when her children were young. I didn’t when mine were . We didn’t judge each other just realised that our circumstances were different.

My friend tried telling me my sibling was selfish for having a successful, demanding career, as she has 3 DC.
She said something like does her husband had to pick up the slack of the lack of emotional connection she has with her DC.
She doesn't know my sister, but jumped straight to the conclusion that she had a distant relationship with her sons because of her work.
I was (fuming) really surprised by this, as it is such an illogical assumption. I politely (her children were in the car) explained that she and her husband work as a team to raise their sons.
Ugh. I hate people.

I’ve never ever heard this publicly / irl - maybe once or twice on here when people fancy a goady thread or are perhaps making up a situation as they feel guilty and need comfort/validation of their situation from the responses they know they will get.

It’s mainly the other way round as you can see by the responses to your thread - as in people slagging off stay at home Mums. Heard this publicly loads and on seen on here loads. Again to comfort guilt/help validate their choices where they perhaps have one.

Well done for challenging.

From all the research and from what i have experienced personally I agree with what GoodVibes has said. An 18 month doesnt give a shit about you setting a good example I always laugh when I see this response. But so many people cant do that thats life.

I'm a retired psychotherapist and counsellor. It's not an absolute truth but whenever a client said to me "I feel judged' it rang alarm bells that they were judging themselves with all the commensurate guilt and blame.

Is that the case here - are you worrying about your own choices? If so, don't. You made the best possible choice you could for you and your child at the time. Don't question yourself based on other people's circumstances.

I'm a SAHM but I would never judge a working mum.

My own mum was a working mum and I know my parents made that decision so they could give us the best life possible.

I was proud of the fact my mum worked, she had a senior role in a male dominated profession and actually was the higher earner.

I was never going to set the world alight career wise so it's made sense for me to stay at home and I'm so grateful I can.

The only time I hear the mum bashing is on here, thankfully never in real life.

I never get people who talk like this in a social gathering. It shows how much of a bubble they live in. Wait till it pops.

Do what you think is right and let others preferences wash over you. Its their preference not yours ans thats fine. I have 5 daughters and work, who knows if life would have been better if I hadn't but I think it brings balance to us. The girls look forward to seeing me, hearing about my day and seeing my work.

Just smile and let them voice their thoughts, be confident in your life choices noone really knows how life would be if a different route was chosen.

Agree with this. I’m a stay home mum at the moment (due to our circumstances). I don’t think it’s selfish to work full time. I also bristle a bit at the posts saying that working provides a good example to kids because the inference is that those who choose to stay at home are not providing a good example. There are benefits and disadvantage for both working full time, working part time and staying at home. People are just trying to do their best and to disparage their decisions (whether it is working or staying at home) is not helpful.

TBH I’ve never heard anyone who actually had career options say anything like that.

These types are typically quite happy to turn up to an emergency dept and find it staffed - mostly by working parents.

They’re also fine with their husbands working. Working parents are perfectly acceptable to them when we’re meeting their needs one way or another.

I think the nursery staff get attached to the children too. Mine definitely did. I recall being asked to contribute to/get involved in something, don't remember what now, and being told that the staff were "only asking the nice parents"!!

Ours was 7.30-6 but there was no way mine would ever have been in a 7.30, it was usually closer to 9 lol! In fact, my eldest decided not to go to nursery at all until their favourite, main carer, started at 9am!

I had to work p/t due to being a lone parent and having multiple children, some with special needs. I am now f/t in a min wage job but I wouldn’t change the time I spent with my kids for a fat salary now at all. It’s up to an individual what they decide is best for them and their family, I find people sneering at the mum’s who stayed at home and have lower pensions, wages etc now just as judgmental 🤷🏼‍♀️. Just do what’s right for you.