Being punished for break up

@Gilliano1974 why should you be invited to their family gatherings?? you are no longer a member of their family! get your own family gathering arranged!

im sorry because I know this isn’t what you want to hear but this is dh and son’s family but they are no longer yours.

It’s great that you have managed to forge such a good relationship as co-parents and ex partners but I think it’s lulled you into thinking that automatically extends to the rest of the family too but it doesn’t.

I know it must be hard knowing you are not automatically part of certain parts of your sons life now and you are hurt to be missing things with him but the truth is you know he is with good people and while you won’t see him having certain experiences he still is having them surrounded by people who loved him.

I grew up in a similar circumstance after my parents divorced, they got on very well once the hurts had become the past and worked well as friends and co-parents infact even to the point of doing Christmas together sometimes! and one parent did carry on good contact like you with their ex in-laws but that parent wasn’t invited to family events like the one you just described.
they would occasionally see each other or visit with each other and got on well but from the divorce onwards each half of the family got together or celebrated separately and the ex in the scenario wouldn’t be there. As children it wasn’t odd it was our normal.

please try not to refuse your son the opportunity to spend time with his family I can understand you jumping to that because you were hurt but it’s not about you it’s about him and I promise you it will only hurt your son in the long run! As long as you know he is safe and looked after then that’s all that matters isn’t it?

It’s interesting that you refer to him twice as your husband. Both that and wanting to go to his family gatherings are very unusual for a separated/divorced woman. Is there something more at play?

Oh god this sounds exactly like my mum. After she left my dad she was hugely upset that it meant that she wasn't treated exactly how she always was by his family. She even huffed and puffed because my step mum sat with my dad's siblings at my wedding even though she was on the top table.

They're his family, not yours.

YABU to invite yourself to a party being held by someone that’s no longer your family. I can’t believe you had the cheek to ask tbh and think your ex MIL was very polite under the circumstances.

Your DS can go with his dad - they’re still his family.

I get on fairly well with my ex husband's family, and he with mine. Neither of us would expect to be invited to family gatherings. It would be disrespectful to our new partners I think!

For example, his half sister lives somewhere that I have visited before on holiday and may do I again. I met up with her for a coffee when I was there last time, and might to in future. All perfectly amicable. No way would I expect her to invite me to a large family gathering that would also include my ex and his new partner! Same with my brother - he still often meets my ex for social occasions but I assume wouldn't ask him to a big family do!

It's great that you get on well with your ex, and still have civil relationships with his family. But you have to allow him to move on now. Could it be he has a new girlfriend he is bringing to this get together for example?

Sorry OP I cringed a bit for you inviting yourself along to a family do where you are no longer part of the family. I thought your MIL’s response was very sweet to be fair. I think you need to have an objective look at things because co-parent doesn’t mean co-family. You’ve got a system that works and that’s great, but don’t mistake it for anything like being part of the family unit as you were before. FWIW I don’t think you are being punished, I think that they are making clear and sensible boundaries. This is all meant very kindly from me by the way.

YABU. It's about having appropriate boundaries. You're no longer the daughter in law so you won't be invited to family gatherings. That's just factual, it's not that they hate you, want to punish you etc.

I left my marriage and have maintained a good relationship with my former in-laws. We message and meet up for a coffee when they're visiting my ex, but I don't go to family gatherings. It's nothing personal, it's just not appropriate for me to be there. That space is for my ex's partner.

I don't think they are wrong to not invite you and I think you are cheeky to ask!

However, if you two have an excellent coparenting relationship and you regularly see your exes side of the family I can sort of see where you are coming from.

Is it possible that you are also autistic OP? As it is odd that you think YANBU tbh

YABU you are no longer family. It's amazing that you get on so well, don't ruin your amazing co parenting relationship.

It's good that you two get on and are able to co-parent amicably, that's admirable.

But the reality is you're not a family anymore. You made that choice, so yes of course you're going to start being left out of family things. They're still kind to you and treat you with respect, which is good, but they are no longer under any obligation to invite you to things!

In any number of families you wouldn't be excluded. You happen to be in one where that's the case.

I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings

Well... What did you expect? You did leave the family and that has natural consequences, and those consequences are to be expected, honestly. Your former family members may feel awkward having you and your ex at the same event. It's a bit puzzling that you don't grasp this.

Yabu. It's cringey to ask if you can go to someone's party.

The other thing is that you didn't even ask the person who was hosting the party, you asked your ex MIL instead. How can she say it's ok for you to go?

I agree with the others. If they had invited you then that would be different but they didn't, and you made things awkward by asking.

You need to reword the post too, it might help you reframe your boundaries. He's your ex husband,she's your ex mother in law. You are no longer part of that family, although your son is. Exes new partner will be, as you will be invited to family gatherings when you have a new partner

I can't believe you even asked 😬

They're not your family anymore. You have absolutely no right to ask for an invitation.

You're the odd one for asking tbh. Think her response was very measured.

It's hard when you split but the reality is that you are no longer part of that family, it doesn't mean they don't care for you or want to see you it means when their having a family get together you won't ne involved. It's also better for your son to see you getting on as friends but not being one family. In the future one of you may meet someone else and it would be harder then.

It isn’t the norm to be invited to the ex’s family gatherings. And it was a bit strange that you asked, your poor ex MIL being put on the spot.