Being punished for break up

I think this is very harsh. I agree that OP is being unreasonable thinking she should have been invited, and for asking to go. But her reasons were sound - she knew her son would love it and wanted to see him exploring the gardens and interacting with his family. The fact that he is autistic is very relevant, and depending on the severity, may explain OP’s desire to see his interactions. This type of mean comment is typical of MN.

That’s a really lovely update OP, good for you, I hope you find yourself something really fun to do on that date instead. You’re child-free for the day/night so go out and enjoy yourself!

I have this kind of relationship with my ex who I have two kids (one of which we decided to have post separation, that's how close we were as co-parents). Just want to warn you that if/when one of you gets together with someone else it is like an emotional bomb going off (at least it was in my case). Made me realise or rather forced me to confront that the lack of boundaries was actually unhealthy, rather than it being "so healthy that we're able to be such good friends" etc type of thinking. And i was the same as you, no way I'd want to be with my ex romantically again, but him meeting someone else still completely floored me. So be prepared.

I think you need to accept that when marriages end, dynamics change. It’s great you are coparenting together.

But it doesn’t mean everyone else has to continue to treat you as a family unit. It’s really not punishment. Things have changed. That’s just how it is, punishment doesn’t come into it.

I just think you need to get your head round that. And also your son needs to get used to you both parenting him alone.

I also think the whole ‘I would love to see him enjoy their gardens’ and what you wrote about here, does sound a bit like ‘I don’t want to miss it because it’s at a nice house’.

It’s great that you both get on. My ex and I get on well, and for years I did attend his family events, but he’s since got remarried and of course now I don’t. We will always be friends, and if I was his wife I wouldn’t be impressed at the amount he messaged me, I never message him unless essential as I respect he’s got a new partner he messaged me a lot. I reply of course. Our kids are growing up now, so there won’t always be a reason for texting, I think he will feel that more than me.

Is the party not even at ex-MIL's house?

unless it is an event focused on your mutual child, your attendance would be unusual. Your ex deserves a space to socialize with his family without you.

I do feel for you, and think you’re getting quite a hard time, especially when people don’t know the dynamic.

It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realise it’s true that they’re his family, not yours, and that things will usually cool off between you all when the relationship breaks down. Especially as you once did (and probably still do) consider them to be part of your family too.

I’m sorry that suddenly they don’t class you as family anymore OP. They are all still your child’s family, but your child is your child so it’s hard to wrap around why you are not welcome just because you’re not with the child’s dad. It’s like the previous relationships mean nothing. It can be hard to process when your brain is wired to be kind and think that everyone should get on like grown ups. I hope you have your own family who is loving and kind, because not having your own family and loosing them on top is upsetting, but just cruel reality I’m afraid.

Do you have many friends OP? Are they friends of the marriage? What do they think about the setup?

Well you do talk about the house and gardens a lot!

Its a lot of change for you Op and your ex doesn't sound very nice (but you sound lovely) so just move on now, do something nice for yourself that day and look forward to hearing all about it from your son later

You asked to go to your ex husband’s family event and can’t understand why they’d say no? It’ll be a totally different dynamic if you were there. I get grieving the life you thought you’d have but this is a little weird.

I think the sensible thing would have been to ask your ex to speak with his family to see if they’d be ok with you joining, instead of asking directly yourself.

From your initial post I'd say you also asked the wrong person. If 'Trish' is hosting the party shouldn't you have asked her rather than the former MiL?

They're not your family. It was weird to ask but sounds like you've sorted it now.

You sound very sweet and well intentioned OP and I hope that you do something nice on that day for yourself.

I think ‘Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's’ means ‘give our side of the fam a chance to enjoy Luke’. Ex-MIL probably read your text as while her son’s not good enough, you’ll still take access to the fancy house and grounds ta very much.

Would you have wanted to go if the party was at a tiny flat in a crappy part of Town?