Page 3 | Being punished for break up

Gilliano1974 · 2024-06-29T16:31:08+00:00

Ive been separated from my husband for 3 years and we have a 4 year old autistic boy. We get on great and the way we co-parent should be made into a manual…..it’s working so well for us and our boy. My husband’s family are having a get together at the end of July. The home where the party is being held is fabulous with fantastic gardens. My son will absolutely love it!!!! I’ve never had any issues with his side of the family, we still ring each other and we all share a family WhatsApp. Today I asked if I could go to the family gathering as I’d love to see my son explore the gardens and watch him with the family. I said I’d cook a lasagne as I’m famous for them and the family has always loved them. This was my mother-in-laws reply….. Hi sorry late reply Ah it's not my call. Trish is having family because it'll be the last time any family get togethers happen there be4 they move to their new home . Don’t worry Luke will of course see his other relatives at his aunty Trisha's ,we'll make sure you have lots of pics!! X So it was a no. I’m so upset by this. I feel because I’m the one who left the relationship I’m being punished. I feel like she’s saying that because I’ve left I have lost all privileges to attend family gatherings and I’m no longer welcome. If it was my family and my ex husband wanted to come I’d have absolutely no problem, nor would my family. I feel it’s a bit childish. My initial reaction was to not allow my son to go without me but I don’t want him to miss out. What are your thoughts? I’m I being too sensitive? Just for context I left him due to lack of support for me when my mental health declined after I had my son. I found text messages on his phone saying he wanted to punch me, calling me a c**t and making up stories about me for sympathy. I’ve forgiven all that and we are great friends, though I’d ever g get back with him.

BirthdayRainbow · 29/06/2024 19:58

My MIL told me a few months ago I'll always be family but I don't believe it. She also said she won't take sides when we split. Her behaviour is telling me she is taking sides as she isn't supporting me. It's hard when I did nothing wrong. It's all him. People are just weird.

Original poster

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:56

Honestly everyone….thank you all so much!!!! This has been a massive eye opener for me and like a counselling session. I’m definitely coming away from this with a new perspective. I honestly think I’ve been completely self absorbed for the past three years and felt sorry for myself. It’s difficult when you are the primary carer to let go because it’s so hard, especially when your child has special needs, however I realise now that because of the situation I’m going to have to. It was my choice after all and I think I wanted everything the same but just different houses and no romance….. that’s not fair on anyone. Thank you all again xxxx

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ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 29/06/2024 19:54

Op it seems you are keeping this very close almost marriage because it suits you. You don’t really want to move on romantically, so it suits you.

But you seem to want all the benefits of being married to him, without being with him. And you want everyone else to do the same. Still treat you as a unit. The your gut feeling is that you are being punished if everyone else doesn’t go along with it. Because you still see yourself in more than a co parenting relationship on some level.

You know it’s causing confusion for him. You know he isn’t ready to move on because he is in the semi relationship with you. But you don’t want him. It’s time to piss or get off the pot so to speak

magnoliablooms · 29/06/2024 19:45

No you're seperated. The family see you as seperated. They are on his side no matter what and even if they are super pally with you you are an outsider. Make some distance.

changedwwyd · 29/06/2024 19:45

Msmbc · 29/06/2024 18:47

I have this kind of relationship with my ex who I have two kids (one of which we decided to have post separation, that's how close we were as co-parents). Just want to warn you that if/when one of you gets together with someone else it is like an emotional bomb going off (at least it was in my case). Made me realise or rather forced me to confront that the lack of boundaries was actually unhealthy, rather than it being "so healthy that we're able to be such good friends" etc type of thinking. And i was the same as you, no way I'd want to be with my ex romantically again, but him meeting someone else still completely floored me. So be prepared.

100% this!!!

Uricon2 · 29/06/2024 19:43

@ Gilliano1974 there are very few MN threads where people actually seem to listen, understand and take what's said on board. Don't take the actions of your inlaws personally, it's just what happens with divorce.

Put some boundaries in place, protect yourself and carry on being a good co-parent with your ex, because you sound great.

NeedToChangeName · 29/06/2024 19:42

I'm glad this thread has been helpful for you

It's great that you're on good terms with ex and his family, but you're not part of their family now. I think that's a hard part of splitting up

Ereyraa · 29/06/2024 19:35

Do you not understand what a break up is?

Miyagi99 · 29/06/2024 19:34

I get on really well with my exes family and always invite them to gatherings regarding our child (birthdays etc) but wouldn’t dream of asking to go to their gatherings. Also I’d allow my child to go places without me when with their Dad, why on earth not!

Original poster

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:33

Genevieva · 29/06/2024 19:25

I don't think you are really exes. You are husband and wife with an unconventional marriage that involves living apart. You don't have to follow society's norms and have either a conventional marriage or a conventional divorce imposed on you. I do think, however, that you ought totally to each other about yourselves and not just your son.

I agree we need to talk. He’s awful at it haha. He just clams up and won’t speak. I think im easy to talk to so he should be able to express himself. I think he’s just scared to say the wrong thing and prefers to say nothing. It’s part of the reason I left as I just never knew what he was thinking. I did want to do some couple therapy when we were still together but we couldn’t afford it xx

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Original poster

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:27

DaniMontyRae · 29/06/2024 19:16

OP I really think you need to reconsider your boundaries with your ex. He's called you a cunt, said he wants to hit you and spread lies about you to deny you a support network. And yet you call him a great friend. Co-parenting with him is good for your child but is being friends with him really any good for you?

Hey…..we’ve spoke in depth about what happened in the past, I’ve both understood and forgiven him. He was struggling too and it was his way to express his emotions. Not the best way to do it but I understand why. I was 44 when I fell pregnant and wasn’t expecting it. It was very hard at the beginning, our lives changed so much. Then Covid hit and the isolation and fear had a significant impact on both of us. I spoke about it, got counselling, accepted medication and over the years recovered from it. He didn’t. His life changed as much as mine and then I left him. He’s still very affected by it all. I’m just trying to be a good person but maybe I’m making things harder for everyone xxx

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Genevieva · 29/06/2024 19:25

*to talk (not totally)

Genevieva · 29/06/2024 19:25

I don't think you are really exes. You are husband and wife with an unconventional marriage that involves living apart. You don't have to follow society's norms and have either a conventional marriage or a conventional divorce imposed on you. I do think, however, that you ought totally to each other about yourselves and not just your son.

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 19:23

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:20

Any holidays are just for my son. I don’t drive so we go away to visit theme parks and the like. I thought we were doing great but this post has me thinking maybe we are not and that we absolutely need to do things separately and set boundaries. I’ve never, ever given him any reason to think we could be romantically involved again. I do everything so my son doesn’t feel the break up. However I’m now realising I may be going about this in the wrong way. Me not totally separating from him and getting divorced maybe be still giving him hope. I think you’re right, his family are seeing things much clearer xx

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And no, my ex doesn't think we are getting back together again!!

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 19:21

I know where you are coming from as I have a great relationship with my ex-DH.

We still go on trips together, visited his sister together, I always take him out on his birthday and father's day. He brought the children out for ice cream with me on my birthday. We obviously do things together on the kids' birthdays and we always have a Christmas outing together and an outing in the summer usually too. He has come to see my family and they still send him a birthday card.

However his mum and her side of the family will have nothing to do with me. On the odd occasion I see his mum out with him, she will completely ignore me and the children. She won't let the children over to her flat. There's nothing I can do about that.

It's nothing to do with you, it's just how this person is. Just enjoy the good relationship you have with your ex and other members of the family.

Original poster

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:20

AGoingConcern · 29/06/2024 19:05

OP, why are you still going on holiday together and not divorced after 3 years?

I’m a stepmom (a role I adore) and my DH and I have a great co-parenting relationship with their mum and her new husband. We will happily attend family occasions centered around the children (birthdays, celebration dinners after a big sports performance, etc) and collaborate well on child-related things. But that relationship includes strong, healthy boundaries and those existed before I became involved. If I had met my DH and found out he was still married and holidaying with his ex, I would have run the other way because that’s a man who is still actively in a relationship and not ready to move on.

Your ex’s family may have a clearer view of this situation than you.

Any holidays are just for my son. I don’t drive so we go away to visit theme parks and the like. I thought we were doing great but this post has me thinking maybe we are not and that we absolutely need to do things separately and set boundaries. I’ve never, ever given him any reason to think we could be romantically involved again. I do everything so my son doesn’t feel the break up. However I’m now realising I may be going about this in the wrong way. Me not totally separating from him and getting divorced maybe be still giving him hope. I think you’re right, his family are seeing things much clearer xx

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WinnieWimbledon · 29/06/2024 19:20

You’re not part of their family any longer. It’s a bit cringe you asked to go.

DaniMontyRae · 29/06/2024 19:16

OP I really think you need to reconsider your boundaries with your ex. He's called you a cunt, said he wants to hit you and spread lies about you to deny you a support network. And yet you call him a great friend. Co-parenting with him is good for your child but is being friends with him really any good for you?

Original poster

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:11

ScribblingPixie · 29/06/2024 19:04

It sounds as if in the nicest possible way, your ex MIL is letting you know there's a distinction between 'family' and 'people who get on great despite not being exactly family any more'. I'd definitely think about your boundaries, and I'm wondering - just guessing really from the message - if your ex's mother and sister think your ex is still a bit too involved with you & maybe should be moving on?

Yes!!!! I’m thinking about our whole relationship now and I bet they do!! He is so not ready to move on and I think that’s down to me. I give him absolutely no encouragement romance wise, however he did say not that long ago he is confused. I’m not looking for a new relationship at all….Im very content on my own for now, maybe forever. I am 49 and I’m over all that haha. I’m definitely going away from this with a LOT to think about xx

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EMUKE · 29/06/2024 19:10

Glad you have taken the responses well. IMO you have separated from your husband, if your relationship is good that’s fine but his family don’t and probs WONT include you going forward. There will be a time when your ex has a new partner who will be welcomed into his family. Your son will be apart of that too. It’s best to keep you out of events so in the future this doesn’t become an issue. Not being rude but stay in your lane.

Ginkypig · 29/06/2024 19:10

I wouldn’t worry about it.

splitting up is a massive change, I know it’s hard to just lose a whole lot of people who you shared years with. you were right to seek out advice.

im impressed you have taken everyone’s comments on the chin.

i think this thread has been an eye opener for you but hopefully it sounds like it’s been helpful too.

you are doing a great job keeping things as easy as possible for your son and this will just be another part to it in the future.

my advice would be to use the times away from your son to build a new separate life wether that be a hobby or new or old friends or even just doing something you enjoy like going for a coffee/lunch or having a long bath. Once it’s normal to fill this time it won’t feel so much like it’s empty or you are missing out

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 29/06/2024 19:08

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:05

I’m actually sat here rethinking our whole relationship!! I’m now not sure how healthy it is and I think I’ve been very selfish. I think I needed all these perspectives to make me look at this from the outside. I’m so pleased I posted as it’s really made me think. Thank you so much for your story, it’s really helpful xx

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It actually sounds like you view yourself as in a relationship with him. Just not living together.

AGoingConcern · 29/06/2024 19:05

OP, why are you still going on holiday together and not divorced after 3 years?

I’m a stepmom (a role I adore) and my DH and I have a great co-parenting relationship with their mum and her new husband. We will happily attend family occasions centered around the children (birthdays, celebration dinners after a big sports performance, etc) and collaborate well on child-related things. But that relationship includes strong, healthy boundaries and those existed before I became involved. If I had met my DH and found out he was still married and holidaying with his ex, I would have run the other way because that’s a man who is still actively in a relationship and not ready to move on.

Your ex’s family may have a clearer view of this situation than you.

Original poster

Gilliano1974 · 29/06/2024 19:05

Msmbc · 29/06/2024 18:47

I have this kind of relationship with my ex who I have two kids (one of which we decided to have post separation, that's how close we were as co-parents). Just want to warn you that if/when one of you gets together with someone else it is like an emotional bomb going off (at least it was in my case). Made me realise or rather forced me to confront that the lack of boundaries was actually unhealthy, rather than it being "so healthy that we're able to be such good friends" etc type of thinking. And i was the same as you, no way I'd want to be with my ex romantically again, but him meeting someone else still completely floored me. So be prepared.

I’m actually sat here rethinking our whole relationship!! I’m now not sure how healthy it is and I think I’ve been very selfish. I think I needed all these perspectives to make me look at this from the outside. I’m so pleased I posted as it’s really made me think. Thank you so much for your story, it’s really helpful xx

OP posts:

ScribblingPixie · 29/06/2024 19:04

It sounds as if in the nicest possible way, your ex MIL is letting you know there's a distinction between 'family' and 'people who get on great despite not being exactly family any more'. I'd definitely think about your boundaries, and I'm wondering - just guessing really from the message - if your ex's mother and sister think your ex is still a bit too involved with you & maybe should be moving on?