To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

Is he doing anything to help himself - CBT, antidepressants etc, talking therapy?
How old is he?
Do you often plan joint days out?

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink

Sometimes I would drive and sometimes I would say no- depending on how I felt/if I fancied a drink. If that means he cant go, then so be it.

I have to plan things meticulously when I would much rather just see how the day goes, for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people

I am serving dinner between 12-1pm

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans

I'd love you to come, if I dont hear back from you by 1pm, then I'll assume we arent going and I shall make other plans.

None of this is mean or unkind, it's putting healthy boundaries in place.

Oh no absolutely not! It's the brother who's dictating everything, op shouldn't have to live in his restrictions.

Planning the day is just good manners. At least as far as my ASD brain is concerned. I don’t know how NT people manage without a schedule.

It isn’t ’good manners’ at all. It’s simply your personal preference, which is not more important than anyone else’s.

If someone finds a schedule to be tedious and inflexible, it isn’t ’good manners’ to expect them to set one simply to keep you happy. Their event doesn’t revolve around you.

This. I'd help him where I could but I certainly wouldnt be having my entire life revolve around him. That wouldnt be healthy for my mental health and thats just as important as his.

I have this issue with one of my loved ones. Basically I had to put a limit on the things I’d do to accommodate the anxiety.

it actually felt like I was being involved in their anxiety related behaviour- particularly procrastinating and rituals. It didn’t seem to be actually helping them and it felt frustrating to be repeating stuff only for them to seem just as uncomfortable as they were before!

I have just been nice about it and said they can make one request of me and that’s it. When I have the headspace for more, I give more.

You appear to have been very accommodating and understanding, but you can’t allow his inability to cope to dictate your social life. Hopefully he is taking steps to manage his feelings, and part of this must be by definition be attempting to control his need to have very rigid plans.
The suggestion upthread of saying “food between 12 and 2pm” so he can make a decision on when to arrive or agreeing to take him but to arrange another means of getting home if he wants to leave at a specific time or not stay over gives you flexibility. His cancelling at the last minute and leaving you in the lurch - unacceptable. He either needs to find tools to help him cope with anxious thoughts and put them aside sufficiently to consider someone else's feelings in the moment or accept he’s going to be left out more often as you make plans without him.
My personal experience is anxiety makes people incredibly selfish - they are so busy ruminating on their own feelings they simply don’t allow any bandwidth to consider anyone else. (they may say they feel bad for letting someone else down, but again the feelings are focussed entirely on how that makes THEM feel, not how the other person feels). It’s very draining.
Does your brother’s anxiety relate to social issues only or does it include his health and other things?

Tight: from OP’s end of things the best thing to do is be empathetic but boundaried.

eg. “Bro you are anxious abiut x,y,z? That sounds hard. Im sure you can work it out. Hope to see you at event! Sorry if you can’t make it.”

In helping him you are really preventing him from finding workable solutions on his own.

I understand both sides.
It's very difficult.
I have a GAD, my husband makes a huge effort.
It's just the two of us, though.
In my case (applied only to myself), although no problems in marriage, I cannot wait till I'm finally able to move into an apartment (back in my own country) and shut the door.
Conscious and happy choice.
No medication to "become different".
Sorry.

Research how to create some boundaries and say “Actually that doesn’t work for me”

Planning the day is just good manners. Did you miss the bit where OP says that her brother won't decide until the last minute? Why should he get to demand she plans ahead and not extend her the same courtesy? OP he's your brother, not your husband or child. Yes it's nice to help when you can, but that shouldn't be at the expense of you living your life to the full.

Just make the plans that suit you best, and if he can’t fit in, that’s up to him.

If you want to drink at an event, just tell him you are getting train/bus/taxi/whatever.

Is he neurodivergent?

I don’t think you need to live your life around him or accommodate him. However, be prepared to see far less of him as a result.

Mmmmm. This anxiety is making him rather selfish. It can become rather controlling and you can actually end up enabling the anxiety further. I would have to set some boundaries to make his see that your needs and wants are important too. Of course you will help him but everything should nt revolve around him because that won't actually help him make any progress.

It's ok to set your own boundaries, OP, even if that means your brother chooses not to join you because it doesn't suit him.

And it IS a choice. He can choose to feel the anxiety (or risk having to tell people he ate before he came, or whatever) or he can choose to opt out of the outing.

You are still allowed to do things the way you want to sometimes.

You can support him, but you don’t need to enable him. What type of help is he getting for his anxiety?

I’m diagnosed with GAD and have had counselling and take medication. It enables me to deal with situations far better and I don’t expect other people to support me to the extent that you do.

As adults, we need to take responsibility for our own issues.

I’d just say this is the vague plan. Come or don’t. No pressure either way. You don’t have to accommodate every little detail. If it means he can’t come to some things that’s not on you. If you drive and at the last minute decide to stay over he’ll have to get a taxi home. You’re not his mother and he isn’t a child. You don’t have to bend over backwards for him all the time

I think you need to find a medium place. I would absolutely make allowances for my siblings in this way- but they would also have to accept that sometimes I can't or that I need some more autonomy, in those instances we either do something together....or we don't. I think you've got a good handle on his boundaries, now you need to communicate with him about yours.

How old is he? I have to live with horrid, horrid anxiety - If he's an adult, you just get on with your life or else he'll never learn to cope (be that in the form of medication, therapy, coping processes etc). If he's a child it's different. He'll still need therapy, cps etc, but he's not able yet to understand.

I have severe anxiety. In fact a severe panic disorder. It’s really shitty.

But, I would never dream of impacting other people’s lives like this. The thought of being a pain in the ass / a burden is actually anxiety inducing in itself.

Please prioritise yourself and your plans. He will need to find a way to be independent.

The best thing for me is to work out the worst case scenarios. I find planning days out and nights out much easier when I realise the worse case scenario isn’t that bad!!

Start by going grey rock about some (not all) things. Don’t make plans 100% certain, be vague (sometimes) and don’t bend on what YOU want to do.

You’re entitled to enjoy your life the way you want to ☺️

He's your brother. Do you have to hang out with him?

He’s lucky to have you. Having someone around that gets that you’re not just being difficult is worth its weight in gold. I would just communicate those couple of issues to him and see if you can work it out.

But the OP doesn't have to deal with this. She's been more than generous so far -- and I say this as someone who both struggles with food AND can't drive (from anxiety). But this stuff is mine alone to deal with, not anyone else's responsibility. I get myself places on public transport, walking, cycling or taxis, or I don't go, and I deal with food stuff myself, and am working on both in therapy. No one else's life should be disrupted at all because of my restrictions.

Hi. This is my brother too. Unfortunately this is just something you need to deal with and can't dictate. It must be really, really hard for him and I'm proud of him for just showing up. My brother doesn't come anywhere and makes up excuses last minute because of his anxiety. All I want is for him to be happy :( Hope you are okay, definitely reach out and talk to him about how he's feeling, he'll likely need a lot of support. Don't get annoyed, he'll just feel worse xx