To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

You need to put boundaries in place or simply put, communicate better:

If you both are invited to stay, tell him you are happy to give him a lift but that you are staying over so he needs to find a place to stay or a lift back.

If you have plans before or after a get together, let him know as soon as you can so he can decide if he still wants to go, wants to find a lift there or back or half way.

If your plans depend on him coming or not, let him know he needs to tell you no later than x day in advance.

If he decides to come at the last minute, ok if it works for you but don’t cancel your plans if he changes his mind at the last minute.

I have suffered from anxiety, if everyone had pandered to it, I would have been ill for longer. Baby steps out of your comfort zone will get him out of it faster than change everything after it.

You seem to do a lot of things with your brother. Does he live with you? If not, just don’t go out with him so often.

@GingerPirate I did have to try a couple, Sertraline was a disaster for me. I’m now on Escitalopram, it suits me far better.

Hm.
Thank you for sharing, glad the stuff helped you!
Thing is, of course I tried in the past.
Stuff just turned me into a zombie and that's
not practical at the moment.
Maybe later in life again!

@GingerPirate I’m sorry that you’re battling GAD, it’s an awful illness 💐. It’s great that your DH is so supportive, mine was as well and I’m sure that you don’t restrict your DH’s socializing if he wants to go out without you.

Re. Medication. I can only share my own experience, but all I can say is that taking a low dose anti-depressant has changed my life. I’m not a different person, I’m a less anxious me! It means that I can do what I want with my life without feeling terrified and having panic attacks.

@chaostherapy You're right, I should’ve use “ accommodating” instead.

Her brother does need to realize though that it’s not fair to restrict the OP’s socializing due to his needs. When my anxiety was crippling and I was having panic attacks, I tried hard not to ask my DH to accommodate me too much. With the OP’s situation, I think her brother shouldn’t rely on her driving him there and back every time, for example, she has every right to stay over/have a drink if she wishes.

If her brother isn’t seeking help yet, he really should. It can be life-changing.

The more he doesn’t do things that he finds difficult the anxiety will just get worse. I know it’s hard but he has to expose himself to these things as each time you do it’s less difficult the next time and eventually the anxiety will wain. I know it’s not easy I say this with a child who has major anxiety and ED you can’t ignore the issues it is enabling them to get worse. It can get better but HE needs to make the effort to fix it.

A lot of very anxious people have a complete blind spot about how it affects the people around them. think the only way to manage is by being very honest - I know this is what you feel that you have to do, DB, but it is a real imposition on us to do things this way and in this instance I cant tell you in advance/drive/etc etc. The job when we have any kind of MH problem is not to reshape the world to accommodate us, but to learn to cope in the world. But doing what he is doing, he is actually making his anxiety worse, and imposing on you.

I have battled anxiety and depression for decades, and it has never entered my mind to make others accommodate me. It is my illness to deal with.

Honestly, OP, you need to hang out with friends more and db less, while encouraging your db to get more and/or better help. He owes it to YOU, and the others in his life, to do his utmost to get well.

Is catering to his anxiety actually helping him?

Planning the day is just good manners

It depends on the day TBH. If we invite people over for a BBQ, there'll be food going for ages. We could say "we'll start around 5ish", but depending on how the fire behaves, what people want, what people bring, when people arrive it could be earlier or later. And we could still be cooking bits a couple of hours later. Because it's a casual arrangement.

If we are doing Christmas Dinner, we will plan to eat at, say, 1. But we aren't setting alarms to be up to make sure meat is in the oven by a certain time. We have a small child so we like to enjoy the morning with her. Therefore we may be later starting dinner. Veg doesn't always roast in an exact amount of time. Guests might be late.

A day out. We'll probably aim to arrive somewhere at a certain time to avoid the rush hour time of whatever it is. But the rest of the day we will play by ear. We'll go see whatever it is we want to see, play on whatever the kids do, and make our way to somewhere to eat that seems good when we're hungry. We'll go home when we're ready. No plans.

If, however, we're saying "come for dinner, we eat at 530", we will be done by 630 and could tell you that. Because DD needs to eat by a certain time so we don't then have to push back bedtime etc.

Plans don't always pan out.

You really need to sit down and explain to him how you feel and everything you have told us.

If you can't do that then write him a letter but consider your wording carefully.

If you don't get this out in the open, resentment will just build up.

How much weed does he smoke?

Is it just anxiety ?
Or is he neurodivergent as well, they do often go together.
It might impact on how best to support him.

My brother is in his fifties and is like this (and always has been). We just let him do his thing. If he turns up, he turns up, if he doesn't, he doesn't. He does drive himself, though.

for example he needs to know exactly when food will be served if I'm hosting people so that he can arrive later and not feel pressure to eat in front of people.

I would just say, ‘I don’t know-sorry, it’ll be at some point in the afternoon but I can’t confirm when exactly’

If we are both invited anywhere, he won't drive so expects me to take him, sometimes this is fine, (I'm going anyway) but it means I can't choose to stay over and have a drink

Just to let you know that I’m going to have a drink and stay over for X’s party, so you might want to drive separately.

I wouldn’t make it any more complicated than that. He can not come if he doesn’t like it.

This.

It’s just not your job or role to be changing your life/schedule for him.

(as an aside, I got REBT with hypnotherapy for anxiety issues I had and it was fucking brilliant. Changed my life in six sessions)

There's anxiety and control, I'd have less to do with him

Planning the day is just good manners. At least as far as my ASD brain is concerned. I don’t know how NT people manage without a schedule.

To be bunt, that's your problem not other people's. Life isn't run to schedules, and there's a degree of learning to cope with others more relaxed attitudes to how things run required on your part.

OP, you can do so much but your brother also needs to be developing coping strategies. And that might mean him pitching in for a taxi for double invites rather than depending on you driving.

For the pp who used the word 'enabling', that's wrong it's 'accommodating', but even so the OP can set their own boundaries.
I guess the events being referred to are family get-togethers, which makes it harder to refuse to accommodate the DB, but people don't understand that anxiety is crippling, it controls a person, and whilst in the grip of it, it might not be possible just to take a tablet or have some therapy. It's hold is terrifying and whilst it might be restrictive for the OP to accommodate the DB, the benefit he gets from socialising and getting out with a supportive DSis will be immense - probably of more benefit to him than the inconvenience to the DSis, although as I said, it is her choice whether to provide this support and accommodation.

What's going to happen if a day isn't planned? My best days have been spontaneous, especially in the summer when you can stay out late outside. I get more anxious where stuff is planned sometimes, because invariably things will happen to disrupt the planned day.

He thinks it's okay to decide at the very last minute whether he feels up to doing something, this inevitably prevents me from making other plans.

This is the one I'd draw the line on. I'd say you can't commit to plans in advance with him for the reason you've said. You need control of your own time.

Saying exactly when people will be eating is difficult (for me anyway). Maybe you can give him an estimate and text him when you're nearly done?

Isn't he prepared to get a taxi home if you want to make other plans?

I just had to reread it again as thought this was your DH, not brother! If you want to go and have a drink, then do that. I wouldn't be letting him control everything.

Planning has nothing to do with manners.