To stop bending over backwards to accommodate anxiety

@IamMoodyBlue I agree that GAD can’t be cured, it’s a chronic condition that can hopefully be managed.

I’ve accepted that I’ll always be on medication and if I need more help in the future, I’ll have to try and get it.
I’m determined not to let this stupid anxiety rule my life.
Best of luck. 💐

My sympathy, it is very difficult to manage life with someone suffering, and that is the word, with severe anxiety. To all those who think GAD can be cured, well, often it can't. It can be managed, but sometimes it's incapacitating.
Counselling may help. Mine didn't. It was supposted to be CBT but wasn’t.
My 2nd time, waited 14 months fir was worse. I forced my srlf to the appointment, shaking like a leaf, but desperately hoping for help. 2 minutes into the first sesdion, my Counsellor, who had never met me before, announced "I don't think you want to get better'
As by this stage I would've sawn my leg off with a bread knife to find some relief, I realised she was wasting her time and mine. I was gutted.
So finding help is not easy nor quick nor vertain.
The only thing that helped was diazepam, not taken daily, taken an hour before leaving home. But you try getting it now, it's as if one's asked for a big bag of crystal meth. Apparently it's better to be housebound and feel utterly awful, than to take a pill occasionally.
But, you need to try to ease back at least bit at a time. You sound as if you're your brother's carer. That's an exhausting job that can take over your social life and the rest of it too.
All I can suggest is having the difficult conversations. Setting some boundaries, and finding a way which enables you to have a guilt free life of your own. There's no right or wrong way, so work on sorting out ways to cope with the various situations. Lots of people have made suggestions.
I wish you all the best.

I'd do this. Try to step back a bit to avoid building resentment.

So you just made an assumption? Weird!

You’re not wrong about the state of MH services, @Areolaborealis , but the OP’s update suggests that her brother hasn't actually tried to get any help.

I've tried to encourage therapy but he doesn't have money and doesn't have faith in NHS support.

I have a relative who’s currently having talking therapy and he’s also in a support group for people with similar diagnoses, which helps him to feel less alone with his struggles (both through the NHS). Resources may be available in her brother’s area.

I don't think that. I do, however, think you are responsible for managing your own MH, by whatever processes you have access to. I have never been able to learn to drive, for instance, but I do not make that someone else's problem, as the OP's brother appears to. I get myself places off my own bat by whatever means are possible, or I don't go.

I think there’s a point where accommodation becomes enablement.

i think it is fine to say “it’s a bbq so I don’t know when we will eat. there will be food all day probably. If you aren’t comfortable with saying you aren’t hungry or already ate and don’t want to come l because of it that’s fine”

”blah blah blah can you change your plans”

“like I said you can do x or y or not come - it’s your choice.”

my db has social anxiety - I support him but I have 2 small kids and a busy life so can’t be jumping through hoops all the time.

To the people suggesting those with anxiety should get counselling and support so they can hurry up and get over it and stop inconveniencing others - you seem to have have missed the memo about the current state of mental health services in the UK.

Because through my work the majority of people with “anxiety” smoke weed, which not only makes them more anxious it generally makes them bloody selfish too.

Personally I wash my hands of anyone in my private life that smokes weed and then moans about anxiety as it is their own fault.

Too many people just say it’s “not addictive”, but it DOES cause anxiety and self absorbed behaviour.

Ah OP, a lot resonates here.

I have only just realised after 40+ years that my brother is definitely ND. I broached it with him recently and am gently encouraging him to seek counselling from someone who specialises in neurodiversity (likely ASD in his case).

My brother lives with us but his anxiety doesn't have as big an impact as you are describing although we do quietly accommodate him as much as we can. We have a very open relationship so I could say "no I can't drive you tonight" for example.

He also will seek help when things are worse, which is important to me. I wonder if you should have a gentle chat with your brother about the ways you can and cannot support him and then explain where he could seek help for the anxiety and / or ND diagnosis. If he chooses not to engage that is his choice and you can't take responsibility and you must tell yourself that when you feel guilty for the areas you cannot accommodate him in order to enjoy your own life.

Sending love and strength. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

I know a couple of people who do the last minute deciding thing, all of which have some element of social anxiety. One is a very old friend who I still very much want to see.

Ive found that putting my own boundaries in around this has helped immeasurably.

So, for example I’ll meet her for a wander round the shops and coffee or dinner. But I won’t invite her for a meal because I don’t mind the first being cancelled, but I do mind the second because I’ll have bought ingredients, prepped etc.

I’ll often make plans with her last minute because I try and do things on days I don’t have anything else planned. Or I’ll plan something which I would enjoy anyway- eg cinema- and still go if she cancels.

She doesn’t have a child, but I’ll only do very child friendly things with her and my kids, so they’ll still really enjoy the day if she doesn’t come. Whereas I’d offer more adult stuff to another child free friend and expect the children to accommodate.

Does he work? If he has an Employee Assistance Program st work he would be able to get free counselling there, as well as other assistance with his condition.

Just do what you can but make sure you look after your own health and don’t be trampled on. People with Elderly parents will understand how you are feeling and that its very important to have good boundaries, know what you can and cannot do, and look after yourself because it can be exhausting and have a big impact on your health to be dealing with this long term.

Its not his choice to have a disabling anxiety disorder - he's not being selfish. If family gatherings always invole doing things that you know trigger his anxiety, like eating, maybe it could be suggested that he engage in a different way with less pressure eg, smaller group, walk instead of meal, skype or similar.

You can enjoy the gathering without him.

There comes a time when you realise that instead of living in the real world, he is existing in the safe world you have created for him. That’s all well and good, but it’s not sustainable (or fair) for either of you. You are probably going to have to pull back gradually for your MH and his independence. Does he have a social worker you could discuss this with?

Yes, how dare you have a life outside of Mumsnet, OP!

Hmm... I read this as someone with anxiety so bad that I can't drive or eat in front of people most of the time... and thought "wow, you're harsh OP. Anxiety is hard to live with". Then I realised that I don't let my inability to drive or weird eating habits affect anyone else. I don't ask for lifts or any accommodations because other people's comfort is more important than mine. Maybe you're brother needs telling how his anxiety is taking it's toll on you.

I find it a bit strange to post a query like this just before you're about to go out for the entire day and won't be checking all phone or anything else so that you can read replies and see if any questions have been left for you.

So we all waited many hours for you to come back and when you did you didn't answer any of the questions. Did you even read all the replies?

Depends how much you care about your brother and how much this really affects you really. I mean you can choose to ignore all of his requests but you’ll likely not be able to spend time with him.
Have you actually tried talking to him about this? Tried to compromise? Because if you haven’t then it’s time to talk it out.

@indecisive28 So he’s not getting any help at all for his anxiety (no counseling or medication)?

I hate to say this, but his situation is unlikely to improve unless he accepts help. Diagnosed anxiety is an illness, just like heart disease or breaking a bone and needing medical treatment . I battled it for years before accepting that it’s no different from any other medical condition. I wouldn’t drag around a broken leg without seeking treatment, so why drag around anxiety? Best of luck. 💐

I'll go against the grain

Would you be OK with someone with coeliac disease cancelling plans when they feel unwell?

Would you agree to cook food at a certain time to accommodate someone with diabetes if they need to eat?

If DB has genuine anxiety which causes certain issues, then I think you should treat it as seriously as you would a physical health issue

I’m going to take it as a given that he’s autistic.
In which case it’s entirely understandable that he is like this.
It doesn’t mean you have to always be available at the snap of his fingers though. If you don’t want to do things his way because they’re inconvenient or awkward, let him know- perhaps let him know in advance e.g. next week I’m doing this, at this time. If that’s inconvenient for you you’re welcome to come if you’re free at that time.

I agree that anxiety can make people incredibly selfish. I say that as someone who has suffered with it on/off myself. I don’t think you can reasonably expect anyone to accommodate your anxieties beyond what they’re comfortable with.
I have a friend who goes mad if I don’t reply to a text within half an hour and it’s exhausting. She thinks it’s ok to behave that way because ‘anxiety’ but is never actively trying to fix it

Where did you get that from ?

@indecisive28 you are neither his carer nor his chauffeur!! if he wants to go anywhere, then he gets himself to that place!!