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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at husband falling asleep in the evening?

61 replies

Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 20:22

I'm regularly finding myself really annoyed with my husband for falling asleep in the evenings. I'm not even really sure why I feel annoyed, and it makes be feel bad to feel this way.

He regularly (I'd say most days) falls asleep when he gets home after work. Sometimes he falls asleep while watching our 1yo when I make dinner, sometimes when we are all spending time together as a family, sometimes he leaves the dinner table before we're finished and I'll find him asleep on the sofa, and often during our daughters bedtime routine when we read together as a family. He also falls asleep if we're watching TV together in the evenings, it doesn't annoy me quite as much but I still find myself prodding him to wake him up or asking if we should turn off the TV and go to bed.

Is this normal? Am I normal for being annoyed by it? I feel like I'm nagging him to stay awake, and I feel guilty that I'm getting annoyed with it as he's obviously tired. He does work a physically demanding job (9-5, not ridiculous hours) and I'm at home with our daughter so maybe that's why he has less energy than me, but it's even at the weekend when he's off. He has had a few tests recently for unrelated issues but all came back fine so it doesn't seem medical.

AIBU?

OP posts:
makaton · 28/06/2024 22:32

My DH does this and although we don't have small children it can sometimes annoy me. I'm pretty sure he has sleep apnoea though. He slept for 2.5 hours tonight then when he woke said he felt better after his 'power nap' 🙄 I pointed out a Power Nap is generally 20-30 minutes.

converseandjeans · 28/06/2024 22:23

I would say it's less tiring looking after a baby than working. I think it depends on what job you do though. I teach teenagers and always found being with my own a breeze compared to a class of 30 hormonal 14 year olds.

I don't see why you can't have a Power Nap during the day? I used to when I was on maternity leave. I would also get jobs done during the day. I would say focus on getting baby into a routine so you're not up & down all night?

I do think however that he needs to be trusted to stay awake if he's in charge & not fall asleep then.

SpiritAdder · 28/06/2024 21:52

11-6:30 (7.5hrs) is not enough sleep for a physically demanding job.

My DH has a physically demanding job where he is up at 7am and he has to be lights out at 10pm to feel rested (9hrs).

I think your DH is falling asleep because he isn’t getting enough of it at night.

MiniCooperLover · 28/06/2024 21:49

I can also go to sleep at the drop of a hat, It doesn't affect my night sleep even if I've had a nap ... the issue is my nap is MY choice. It feels a little to me that he's choosing these naps even when he knows the timing is bad. And that's fucking selfish.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 28/06/2024 21:48

He needs to go to bed earlier.

Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:47

YouveGotAFastCar · 28/06/2024 21:43

Mmm I think my husband feels like this. I’m shattered, I’ve no idea why. No amount of sleep seems to be helping. Magnesium isn’t helping. I’m up a few times a night with the toddler but it’s a lot better than it used to be so I’m surprised I’m struggling so much with tiredness. I’m in bed once the toddler is asleep a couple of times a week. I rarely make it to 10:30/11 like I used to.

I know he wants company and to do things together… but I’m so fucking tired.

Show quote history

Honestly I wouldn't mind being alone and missing out on time together in the evening if he needs to go to bed earlier to feel rested, it's the falling asleep in the day and before our LO goes to bed that annoys me most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:43

MrsClownland · 28/06/2024 20:34

It's not normal to sleep every evening like that. Does he end up going to bed late after the nap? Because that will lead to more tiredness the next day, etc. A sleep reset with some early nights might help - or what about a Power Nap after work, for a certain length of time?

No, he doesn't go to sleep any later when he's napped in the day. He literally lays down and he's out, it's impressive 😅

OP posts:
YouveGotAFastCar · 28/06/2024 21:43

Lancrelady80 · 28/06/2024 20:47

Are you married to my dh? I also get irrationally annoyed. I know he can't help it, but it does feel like he's checking out of "our time." It's worse if you spend most of the day just you and your baby and then when he does get home and you finally have adult company and time to spend with your partner, he then falls asleep so actually you DON'T get that time or company.

Mmm I think my husband feels like this. I’m shattered, I’ve no idea why. No amount of sleep seems to be helping. Magnesium isn’t helping. I’m up a few times a night with the toddler but it’s a lot better than it used to be so I’m surprised I’m struggling so much with tiredness. I’m in bed once the toddler is asleep a couple of times a week. I rarely make it to 10:30/11 like I used to.

I know he wants company and to do things together… but I’m so fucking tired.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/06/2024 21:38

Could you plan for him to do a specific task or activity with your LO whilst you are doing the cooking/chore and he is supposed to be looking after her?

It is annoying and csn cause resentment because like you said, you feel like you can't trust him and you know you've had to power through being tired yourself.
He's being selfish tbh.

beckybarefoot · 28/06/2024 21:36

ZebraD · 28/06/2024 20:30

Does he have sleep apnoea?? That can seriously affect tiredness …

my husband falls asleep at the drop of a hat... he has been tested but they say no, because he can control it too a point, but after a busy day at work doing a manual job, i would fully expect him to be asleep on the sofa in no time.

he's also type 2 diabetic...

Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:35

Circumferences · 28/06/2024 20:44

Does he drink alcohol?

Not much, just socially maybe every other weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:34

Lancrelady80 · 28/06/2024 20:47

Are you married to my dh? I also get irrationally annoyed. I know he can't help it, but it does feel like he's checking out of "our time." It's worse if you spend most of the day just you and your baby and then when he does get home and you finally have adult company and time to spend with your partner, he then falls asleep so actually you DON'T get that time or company.

I'm so glad it's not just me! I know he's obviously tired but I can't help but be annoyed 😖

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 28/06/2024 21:34

WhitegreeNcandle · 28/06/2024 21:05

My dh does this too. He just seems to need
more rest that me. We’ve dealt with it by me going part time so I get my downtime in the day when he’s at work because I was so fed up with my time being so much more useful than his!!

I hope he is supplementing your pension, you're having to take a financial hit because he is stealing time from you.

Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:33

Pootle23 · 28/06/2024 21:04

Out of interest how old are you and DH?

We're both early 30s.

OP posts:
Wednesdaysotherchild · 28/06/2024 21:33

Get his thyroid/iron/vitamin D checked!

Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:32

Daisybuttercup12345 · 28/06/2024 21:04

Are you able to take a job while he stays home with the baby? Might suit you better as he may be less tired.

No possible at the moment, he's unable to change his hours. He hasn't had our LO alone for more than 2 hours so I don't think he'd fare well if I went back to work anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pam3197 · 28/06/2024 21:30

itsmabeline · 28/06/2024 21:07

Falling asleep while watching TV no biggie. Falling asleep whilst watching your child is.

If he is regularly falling asleep when he should be awake looking after his child then clearly 11pm is too late for him to be going to bed.

He can't keep staying awake til 11pm but falling asleep at 6pm while he's supposed to be present for your children. This is negligent and just leaving it up to you because you're in the house.

Whatever he is doing from the time your children go to bed til his bedtime at 11pm you need to tell him he needs to stop doing it and go to sleep so that he is awake when you both collectively need to be looking after children.

Not acceptable.

Yeah, obviously the falling asleep while watching our LO is a problem. I'm always nearby in the house. I had a lot of anxiety when our LO was a newborn and he'd fall asleep holding her on the sofa while I was getting some sleep. I was severely sleep deprived for months because I couldn't trust him to stay awake with her while I slept. I've just realised that maybe some of those feelings crop back up when he falls asleep watching her 😖
He does often go to sleep before 11pm too but it doesn't seem to impact his daytime sleepiness. I'm trying to get him to go to sleep earlier but LO goes to bed at 8:30pm most nights and he wants/needs some time to decompress once she's in bed.

OP posts:
MathsandStats · 28/06/2024 21:27

Has he had his thyroid checked? I was like this when mine was under active. When I fell asleep looking after my one year old and woke up to find she'd pulled every book off the bookcase I knew I seriously had to do something. I went straight to the GP after that. Once I was on medication I was fine.

ALunchbox · 28/06/2024 21:17

Could he go to bed earlier than 11 so he avoids snoozing in the evening?

Does he wake up in the morning feeling refreshed?

itsmabeline · 28/06/2024 21:07

Falling asleep while watching TV no biggie. Falling asleep whilst watching your child is.

If he is regularly falling asleep when he should be awake looking after his child then clearly 11pm is too late for him to be going to bed.

He can't keep staying awake til 11pm but falling asleep at 6pm while he's supposed to be present for your children. This is negligent and just leaving it up to you because you're in the house.

Whatever he is doing from the time your children go to bed til his bedtime at 11pm you need to tell him he needs to stop doing it and go to sleep so that he is awake when you both collectively need to be looking after children.

Not acceptable.

WhitegreeNcandle · 28/06/2024 21:05

My dh does this too. He just seems to need
more rest that me. We’ve dealt with it by me going part time so I get my downtime in the day when he’s at work because I was so fed up with my time being so much more useful than his!!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 28/06/2024 21:04

Are you able to take a job while he stays home with the baby? Might suit you better as he may be less tired.

Pootle23 · 28/06/2024 21:04

Out of interest how old are you and DH?

Lancrelady80 · 28/06/2024 20:47

Are you married to my dh? I also get irrationally annoyed. I know he can't help it, but it does feel like he's checking out of "our time." It's worse if you spend most of the day just you and your baby and then when he does get home and you finally have adult company and time to spend with your partner, he then falls asleep so actually you DON'T get that time or company.