AIBU to be annoyed at husband falling asleep in the evening?

Is he just one of these men who falls asleep every time they sit down? My XP used to do this, he'd fall asleep at 10.30 in the morning when he sat down with his laptop, he'd fall asleep again at 1.30 pm when he sat down after his lunch, he'd fall asleep again at 6pm in front of the TV... and then he'd go to bed at 10 and deactivate like a robot, lying dead still for nine hours before getting up to say that he'd been 'tossing and turning all night' (he hadn't, I had, I'd been awake all night often because of some chronic pain I had and he literally had not moved, let alone woken up) and it would start all over again!

I know this is old but just saying you are not alone. My husband does this too. It makes me enraged. Example.. tonight (mind you Im 39 weeks pregnant) after complaining about how tired he was all day, he closed his eyes while at the dinner table. I made him leave the table, and he left to nap on the couch. Listen, I get being tired, I work full time in Tech, Im 39 weeks pregnant and we have a toddler.. I am falling apart trying to keep life together. But Im doing it. And he should suck it up or drink coffee.

and if its a sleep apnea or thyroid issue like others asked, then DH needs to make a doctors appointment.

Husbands/fathers really need to take accountability and as women we should hold them to task.

This is actually me, my job is physically demanding compared to DP and I've been known to sit down and just crash as I walk in or we settle for a film and I fall asleep. Best thing I've found to do is actually do something. I spread the housework over the week so each room gets done as I come in from work so I don't get the chance to sleep. Or while we have something on TV to watch I've started sewing, got a few regular weekly projects or if I've finished them I'm doing cross stitch. It's about not giving my body that chance to think hang on I have nothing to do let's crash.

I agree with what others have said, that he should try going to bed earlier and if that doesn't help you should rule out the health conditions mentioned. I'll add that my DH wasn't diagnosed with ceoliac disease until he was 30, and gluten exposure made him similarly likely to fall asleep pretty much any time he sat down after 5 pm. Hewent through a sleep study because we thought he must have sleep apnea or narcolepsy or something.🙃

You remind me of my situation three years ago.

My boyfriend of the time kept complaining that I fell asleep when he was there. He took it as an insult, although I was a single mum working full time and with full time care of a DS.

He moaned that he wasn't getting enough sex because I kept falling asleep. In the end, he left.

Meanwhile the people who loved me persuaded me to go to a doctor where I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Three years later, all sorted, I'm back to full power, and now he wants me back. No thanks, it's clear what his priorities were, and they weren't me.

Your DH is in his 30s. He's doing a 9-5, not 12 hours down a pit. I'd suspect there is something medically wrong.

Can you persuade him to go back to his gp. Ask for a health check. Then look closely at his fitness. What exercise does he do?

Pam3197, you're not being unreasonable for feeling annoyed. I know that I sometimes felt the same way when I had a 1yo.

I would feel jealous at times because my husband got to be out in the world, converse with adults and travel without a pram and nappy bag. He would come home from work tired and hungry.

I learned a few things that helped.

-After supper we'd take the LO for a stroll in the pram so we could talk. As a bonus, our LO would doze off and be sleepy enough for bedtime.

-My husband would try and eat an apple or banana for snacking instead of the sweets he had often used to munch on. That helped to prevent the sugar spike and crash later on in the evening.

-Sitting on the couch makes anyone relaxed so either get him in the kitchen to help you with meal prep or suggest he interact with your LO on the floor or outside.

Good luck 🤞🤗

I sympathise, OP. My OH tends to fall asleep on the couch of an evening while watching TV. It doesn’t always bother me, but sometimes I do get annoyed about it. We’ll settle down to watch a film, this could even be a weekend afternoon, and literally five minutes in, his eyes are closed. I just end up turning it off, as I can’t keep him awake for two hours and I don’t want to sit and watch on my own, that wasn’t the point!

Other times, we could watch a film late at night and he’d be fine.

My biggest bugbear is the occasions where he doesn’t want to go to bed yet, he wants to “finish watching this…” and insists on staying up an extra hour or so (fine), then falls asleep and is still down there at 3am with the TV and lights blaring 😡

That gives me the rage. He doesn’t do it very often, probably because he knows it annoys me so much, but I’ve now taken to going down, turning everything off, and leaving him there! Initially I’d have woken him to come to bed.

Just to add - he does physical work, and has meds that cause fatigue, hence I do tend to be mostly ok with it. Just those certain situations that wind me up!

You really should eat and do housework while the baby is awake. You won’t have the opportunity of napping when the baby naps when #2 comes along- so make the most of it now and have a mummy and baby nap time.

@Pam3197

I think I'm okay without a nap though, it's being left alone to do the housework/childcare when he is home but sleeping that I'm struggling with.

I agree with others that he might be napping to get out of helping. It's always busy with little ones that time of night.

I would try have a nap during the day tbh. Then get stuff done when toddler is awake.

No it’s not normal for him to be that tired at that age. I would start with getting him to have a full check up of bloods etc

Is he quite a large man? And does he have quite a thick neck?

I think he needs to learn to go to bed earlier. If your DD goes to sleep around 8.30pm he can go 9.30 or 10pm so he gets more sleep. My DH does physical work and 7.5h definitely wouldn't be enough for him to recover and rest.
Do you think you could do housework and eat with your DD so you have a nap when she is having hers? I had to do that as without napping I wasn't able to get through all day with my DD.

Yes we certainly have! I refused to lose out so that he gets more sofa time than me!! To be fair it also worked in with wanting to be around for the kids more but we are most definitely equal financially both in the present and with my pension.

I don't work a physically demanding job yet when it gets to 7/8pm if I'm not doing anything I can get really tired and nod off. Probably hit me in my late 30s. If I'm busy I don't get tired, but it's the doing nothing that must slow me down.

It sounds like it’s easy for him to switch off and just go to sleep because he isn’t used to being responsible for DC. I can’t believe he hasn’t spent more than 2 hours alone with his own child.

Very normal, why query it 🤷‍♀️

Quite honestly if he isn't very fat or 50+ it sounds like avoidance sleeping to me. Its very convenient falling asleep all evening and missing all the cooking, washing up and putting LO to bed routines.
I'm 62 and work full time in the NHS and its absolutely manic. I was a single parent for years so there was no chance I could ever fall asleep.
Sure I'm tired when I get home after a shift because i'm getting on a bit now and if I sat down on the sofa I'd be straight asleep so what I do is I don't sit down, I go and have a tepid shower which wakes me up and change into a tracksuit or something comfortable and then start making dinner or go for a walk to clear my head.
By the time I've done that I'm wide awake and have got my 2nd wind and stay up until about 11.
I would not put up with that from a man i lived with. He needs to grow up, take responsibility and change his routine. Especially if he is a young man.

Also low vitamin D and low iron.

GP will run some bloods if he asks.

Rule out sleep apnea and diabetes. Both make you really sleepy.

I'm trying to get him to go to sleep earlier but LO goes to bed at 8:30pm most nights and he wants/needs some time to decompress once she's in bed.

I can see why he wants that, but parents of young children rarely get the luxury of 2.5 hours of downtime every evening. How about if he has an hour to relax after she goes to bed, and then he goes to bed at 9:30 for a few weeks to see whether that fixes his tiredness.

It seems like he is choosing his current sleep schedule in order to avoid the work which needs to be done in the evening. He may not have thought about it that way, but that is the effect of staying up late.

What was he like before you had a kid? Is his sleep being interrupted at night even though it’s you who actually gets up with your child in the night. If he’s much sleepier now than he used to be the I’d think it was medical and push for tests.

This sounds really tough. It seems like he has the option to sit down and go to sleep on the couch. What would happen if you got there first? Do you think he would just casually sit down next to you and fall asleep, leaving all the evening tasks and baby bedtime totally undone? Baby left in highchair unattended? What would happen?
What happens when you're sick? You must have a significant sleep debt from all the night wakeups. What happens when you reach burnout?
Have you directly addressed his napping and asked him to stop?