To feel insulted and hurt...

He gets free accommodation, his DS gets looked after and paid for, and many other benefits.

In return you are manipulated and insulted.

You behave 2 DC and work FT and have his son and him to look after too.

GET RID OF HIM

Not when he clearly uses it to bully and manipulate you/the situation.

I'd be seriously considering telling him enough is enough and giving him a date to be out by.
Can't see where he adds value or joy to your life.

OP, if this was happening to your own child, what advice would you give?

"Oh darling, I know he says horrid things to you, I know his son treat you like shit and smashes your things and doesn't respect your rules, but you need to just keep flogging that dead horse no matter what, ok sweety?"

Op, love - you are worthy of a better life. You are worthy of being truly loved and treasured. You are worthy of freedom from this, of respect, of kindness.

You have spoken to him about this. HE HASN'T CHANGED, because he knows he doesn't have to.

Imagine the life without him and his son (whom, by the way, you do NOT owe anything to - he is guilt tripping you into this, and as a kind person you are allowing him to), imagine the peace and calm and happiness you would have without them in you and your child's life. And you know, it's OKAY TO WANT THAT. It does NOT make you a bad person for wanting that.

You are worth more than this.

I’d be telling him he is not entitled to feelings or free housing, food or any fucking thing else. GTFO.

Yanbu!

This is gaslighting as it’s worst. He is emotionally manipulating you and you need to draw a line in th sand and walk away from this relations

And is it okay for the DS to express his feelings by assaulting the OP?

Did you even bother to read the whole thread?

OP wants them OUT! She does not want to "work on the relationship" with the cocklodger and his thug DS.

The only part I feel the OP has failed upon is not just kicking them out without fanfare and being a doormat. She is showing her DDs how a man can treat you like shit and a woman should just take it because "the man wants", "the men needs", "the woman should".

@isitme852 Express your "feelings" to your NVDP and tell him to take his DS and go for a long walk off a short pier and get the hell out of YOUR house. Have someone with you and have them leave right then and there. You have given him plenty of notice. He just ignores you unless he wants to be verbally/emotionally/financially abusive. Then he wants you to just take it on the chin, including letting his DS assault you. PLEASE stop letting them make you their emotional punching bag!

Some posters have posted such misogynistic shit that I feel like vomiting. No wonder women get abused, assaulted and murdered so often by men.
smdh

Whoa! The son hit you?
I missed that.

This situation has to end.
I suggest that you contact your local Women’sAid for guidance & support to get them out.

Sounds to me like you are coming to the end of your tether with this situation.

The son is inconsiderate - not an unusual phase for a 17yo - & there is a chance this will pass as he moves towards an independent adulthood with responsibilities.

However… his father is giving me the ick. He sounds childish, petulant & manipulative across the board.

You are not morally or legally compelled to support or live with this man or his son. The choice is yours.

Correct! He and his thug DS are getting basically free room and board, while treating the homeowner like crap and assaulting her.

I don't understand why some women keep on being doormats, especially when there are no legal ties in the relationship.

If you do not want him in the house, then you need to have him removed. Pack his and his DS's things up and leave them outside. Change the code for how to get into the house. Have a friend or relative be with you/stay with you for a few days, Tell your NVDP that he is now an EX-DP and he is not to contact you at all. If there are other items, too big to pack, that your NVDP needs to pick up, arrange to have someone with you and not leave either NVDP or his DS alone in any part of the house.

If you need to, involve the police. What he is doing now is abusive. It's your house, not his and hopefully, you have paid the mortgage on it and not given him any rights to it.

AS I said earlier, you and your children deserve better. MUCH better.

It doesn't sound like you have clearly told him that he needs to leave as well as his son? Its got nothing to do with his feelings- only one person needs to decide to end a relationship. Tell him the relationship is over and they both need to move out of your house.

Then feel free to reply that "Yes, you have the right to say how you feel, as do I. I feel you don't bring enough to the table for me to feel comfortable with your comments. It's best for everyone if you and your DS moves out."

It sounds like he really doesn't bring much to the relationship, if there are times he doesn't work or doesn't have money. His DS is destructive, rude and a behavioral problem. You have given up a LOT for a DP and his DS, who was supposed to stay one/two nights. You deserve better than what he is giving you and treating you. Your children deserve better.

If he and his DS left, would your mood, feelings and life improve? Would your children be better off? Only you can answer that question. I hope your health improves but take care of you and your children. Put the three of you first for once.

I'd be kicking the DS out! He sounds like a thug. I lived alone at 16, as did plenty of people. Teaches you to grow up VERY bloody fast!

@isitme852 he's a shameless cocklodger. he is never going to leave unless you force him out. and what is to stop 17 year old from hurting your younger child?

I suggest calling the police first and lodge a complaint and ask for their assistance in turfing them out. he/his son might attack you if you give them advance notice. I suggest you wait till they are both out, change the lock access/lock, call the police - tell them you have been physically assaulted and you want them both out. pack their stuff and give it to them. they can spring for a hotel for a few nights with all the money your dp saved by living with you. if they get aggressive, file for a restraining order

You need to call the police… this kid is over the age of adult responsibility. You have given them more than 30 days notice. You are being ignored. Let them know that if they are not entirely out of your home by Monday you are charging the son with assault and both of them with trespass.

@isitme852 please get him out. Hugging a corpse - how dare he, never mind everything else. Of course he doesn’t want to end it, but you need to take steps to remove him. Even if it is changing the locks when he is out.

Turn it back on him. Ask if you aren't entitled to the same? And discussing things isn't devaluing his opinions its exactly placing equal value on both of you so you both can be heard.

@On1y whoops sorry, don't know how I managed to quote you

OP don't be so flimsy.

Get him OUT, the relationship is over. Tell him an exact date and start packing up his stuff.

Get rid of the pair of them

@Valeriekat there was already over 180 messages when I read her original post. I admit I wasn't able to read ever one and detail. I was just answering the original message. I also recognized I was likely missing a lot information, hence me saying "take with a grain of salt". I am not AI, I just suffer from really bad Dyslexia. It makes it difficult for me to always hit the right letters on the keyboards of smart phones and my brain doesn't always catch the auto corrections. It has a negative effect on my grammar as well. 😅 so I don't blame anyone at all if anyone finds my ramblings unreadable, but I do assure you I am not fake. This was also my very first time reading and trying to comment on mumsnet, so it was extra chaotic trying to figure things out... you don't have to agree. I was just remaining hopefully. If her original post mentioned all the worst things, then I still feel my comments have merit. Obviously if there are a lot of other questionable things happening, those would need to be considered. I wasn't able to read if there was. I am a mother of 2 and just was looking at this in some of my (small) spare time.

Stop subjecting yourself and dc to this horrible man and his horrible ds.

I think you should involve the police.

If your DP wants his son to live in a house, have a key for it and for it truly to feel like his home then your DP needs to provide this home not sponge off you.