going anon for this...
Whenever myself and DP have a disagreement he cannot apologise for things he has said; he declares "by apologising you are saying my feelings aren't valid and its always about how you feel"
Two examples.. But I have more...
Yesterday morning he briefly mentioned about giving his DS (17) (not my son) a key to the house we live in. It is my house; my mortgage - DP has lived here with his son for 5ish years. I had said I didn't know how I felt about it and could we maybe talk about it later. My DD was eating breakfast and DP was walking out of the door for work. I wanted to talk about it later as his DS has not had the best track record of behaviour and also is a little immature. It was my intention to suggest "yes he can have a key - but there needs to be ground rules about who comes back here and when" etc etc. This turned into a bit of a discussion - culminating in DP saying "I don't feel like this is DS home"
For context; his ex kicked DS out at 12; DP picked him up and asked if he could stay here that night and he has never left. I have moved everyone's rooms around to accommodate his DS; gave up my children's playroom and my office so he could have his own room. I have clothed and fed him when DP couldn't work or hasn't had money. I have taken him on multiple holidays including abroad.. he never even had a passport before he moved in with us. I never leave him out; if I buy for my two I buy for him... whether it be sweets or a day out.
His DS has behaviour problems; he has smashed up his room; hit me; destroyed things in my house; he doesn't like to be told what to do - such as coming in at a set time; tidyig his room etc. And yet I am still here.. supporting him.
For him to say "I don't feel like this is his home" has really hurt me. I have done more for him than his own family and grandparents.
He has said all day today that he doesn't feel he is wrong for saying it; despite it being hurtful; because that's how he feels and he is entitled to an opinion and feelings.
Three weeks ago; DP raised that he feels I am not intimate enough with him. Again turned into an argument. I tried to explain - I have endometriosis; which is so severe even the University Hospital surgeons won't do a Hysterectomy - I am waiting for a review from a surgeon 3 hours from where I live. The endo leaves me in horrendous pain most of the month; which worsens after being intimate (he knows all of this and has been to the appointments). Of course I am hesitant... it hurts!! When I explained this.. he said "hugging you is like hugging a corpse.. I get nothing back"
I was devastated at this... I am trying my best. I work full time; we have 3 children between us that I do 100% of caring for.. my two DC are both Autistic so they require a lot of attention.. my DD10 doesn't sleep well so I am up most nights. I literally sobbed; tried to explain why I was so hurt. I told him I was embarrassed that I can't be intimate more but it hurts and makes me uncomfortable. He dismissed it with "it's how I feel.. by saying I shouldn't say things like that you are saying I shouldn't say how I feel"
AIBU to say that if your feelings are going to insult or hurt someone you should maybe think twice about saying them... or am I being dismissive of him
YABU - he can say what he wants - regardless of the impact
YANBU - he can not say what he wants and should be more considerate.