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Original poster

DH booked a trip for him for my birthday

381 replies

MrsDurrells · 28/06/2024 14:11

DH asked what I’d like for my birthday (last weekend), I clearly said no trips as I end up doing all the packing, planning, unpacking washing etc.
Hes booked us glamping, leaving after school today. All week I’ve reminded him I’m not packing, meal planning, shopping etc and guess what-he’s done a bit of a shop but no meal plans (eg we have bacon, broccoli and cookies?), there’s 3 kids to pack for still and the weather is set to be hot, cold, sunny, and rainy so all weathers really, and he’s not packed a thing yet!

Part of me says don’t help but another part of me knows it’s me and the kids that will suffer because frankly, we’ve experienced similar before! He is so unprepared about most things in life as he knows I always step in and sort it and he openly says he thinks I’m a perfectionist (I’m not I just like to be prepared and have saved his arse so many times!) It’s exhausting. It’s more a jolly for him than me isn’t it?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 30/06/2024 20:41

Brilliant update OP. Glad you had a good time and hope the changes continue moving forward

viques · 30/06/2024 20:35

Pleased that despite the initial trauma you enjoyed your birthday trip. Did he remember cake and candles? If not

Happy Fun GIF by Salih Kizilkaya
MonsteraMama · 30/06/2024 20:31

This is actually excellent! I'm so glad you had a good time, and that your husband has perhaps realised exactly how much you do and is showing a bit of appreciation!

Bravo OP, couldn't really ask for a better outcome!

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/06/2024 20:20

Great that it's been an experience that changed minds. Now you both have the harder job of changing habits. This weekend was a lesson in boundaries. Set them going forward

ErrolTheDragon · 30/06/2024 20:12

Ah, that's a good outcome @MrsDurrells

(Though I'm sure I can't be the only person who, in view of your username, was hoping there had been some amusingly bizarre chaotic incidents for you to relate.)

PinkArt · 30/06/2024 20:10

What a lovely update. It sounds like fighting your natural instinct to just fix stuff will lead to a much more balanced and appreciated future.
Looking forwards to hearing about the much improved present he gets you next birthday!

diddl · 30/06/2024 20:10

I have to admit it… I actually really enjoyed it!!

Ooh-how infuriating!

But on balance I would say better than not enjoying it!

Perhaps because you didn't have to organise it all & won't be dealing with the aftermath!

MrsLeonFarrell · 30/06/2024 20:07

What a lovely update. Communication for the win!

Original poster
MrsDurrells · 30/06/2024 20:05

We’re back! I’m so sorry for not updating but there was no signal (which was really nice, but I did keep on thinking of you all!, and what some of you would recommend me to say!)

I have to admit it… I actually really enjoyed it!!

DC were annoyed at DH for forgetting a few bits, and as PP’s suggested I kept referring them to daddy, which has worked brilliantly, as he did have to find solutions. e.g he didn’t pack eldest DC a jumper so he gave him his instead. He hadn’t packed tea/coffee (I don’t drink either). He hadn’t packed a night light so kids used the only torch we had, which meant DH had to go pee in total darkness… small stuff really but I would’ve sorted those basics.

The kids were brilliant and DH got them involved in jobs which I have learnt from.

We had a bit of a serious chat one eve and came up with some solutions, such as if I pack then he has to unpack. If I cook then he has to clean up. I’ll do weekday meals and he will do weekends. He is doing all the unpacking, washing etc from this trip as it was his gift. He thanked me for all I do and encouraged the kids to say that too; I think it has been a bit of an eye opener for us both perhaps.

All in all there has been some compromise and I’m not foolish enough to think he’s a totally changed man but, he has heard me and he knows not to pull a stunt like this ever again. There was no arguing or rudeness from either side, and I gave examples PP had given too so that worked fab thank you. I’ve been too quick to give in before because it’s easier but it really isn’t in the long run! And only builds resentment.

I’d quite like to go back there again but on my own next year!

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 30/06/2024 19:49

@MrsDurrells
Hope you enjoyed your birthday. Would love an update when you can

EatTheGnome · 30/06/2024 18:51

2chocolateoranges · 30/06/2024 10:49

Totally agree, pack for you and the kids, he can pack his own things and then make sure you go out for dinner each day.

So no cooking and washing up.

Show quote history

So the assumption is that she bormally does the packing for herself and the kids, the cooking and washing up, while he only packs for himself..the result is that she still packs for the kids, he still only packs for himself and....still doesn't cook or wash up?

She will likely contribute toward the treat of not cooking or washing up which she could have had at home half the time if he "helped" and spent the money on something she wanted.

The problem is that he got a weekend away that he wanted and she didn't...for her birthday.

I'm sure she will make the best of it but making the best of it is not the point of a cinsidered thoughtful birthday gift.

HateMyselfToo · 30/06/2024 18:51

I love to come back for an update that he upped his game and you had a great time. I won't hold my breath.

Justcallmebebes · 30/06/2024 18:40

I'd love an update on how it went. Hope you all had a good time though

Donsyb · 30/06/2024 18:38

MrsDurrells · 28/06/2024 15:24

When i opened a card with the pictures of the camp site in I was very polite infront of the kids but I did say very very clearly that he would be getting everything ready.

I’ve always done mine and the kids packing, all toiletries/food etc, and he packs his clothes then he loads the car. I admit I am ridiculously organised but that’s because I’ve had to be not because I particularly enjoy it that way.

I’ve brought down my pillow-he asked why. Reminded him there’s no bedding at the site. (There are sleeping bags in the loft but now he’s grabbing duvets off beds). I can see he’s not packed toothbrushes/paste, little ones bottle, or eldests AirPods who won’t be happy without them. I feel a bit mean, but PP’s are right, I’m not caving in!

Doesn’t sound like glamping if they don’t provide bedding? Thought that was the point of glamping - it’s all processed and set up for you?

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/06/2024 18:37

To @THisbackwithavengeance an hour says a man who never packed for himself let alone a family and food shop and sleeping bags...

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 30/06/2024 17:50

EffYouSeeKaye · 30/06/2024 10:18

Did the campsite turn out to be in Glastonbury?

Plot twist! I would forgive him in that case

AlbertaWildRose · 30/06/2024 17:11

YourKindPeachMaker · 30/06/2024 14:34

I cannot stop thinking about this thread.
It’s the patriarchy in action. This is exactly how we bring up another generation of the shitty men we all complain about, of the girls unable to stand up for themselves that infuriate us on here.
Because children witness this dynamic where mum’s needs and wants don’t matter, where she puts up with literally anything to not inconvenience others, and replicate it in their adult relationships.

Bravo! Exactly.

YourKindPeachMaker · 30/06/2024 14:34

I cannot stop thinking about this thread.
It’s the patriarchy in action. This is exactly how we bring up another generation of the shitty men we all complain about, of the girls unable to stand up for themselves that infuriate us on here.
Because children witness this dynamic where mum’s needs and wants don’t matter, where she puts up with literally anything to not inconvenience others, and replicate it in their adult relationships.

SendNoodles · 30/06/2024 13:16

crockofshite · 28/06/2024 21:55

Pack for you and the kids, but not for him

But that's what happens every time. That's a lot of work and part of the reason OP didn't want a trip in the first place (which she communicated clearly). Or am I missing your sarcasm?

pollymere · 30/06/2024 12:20

Hope you survived OP. Sometimes you need to let people step up to the plate and make mistakes. Your oldest two DC could pack for themselves. They need to learn too. (At five you still need to go through what they've packed but letting them do it is teaching autonomy). Your eldest should be packing their own Airpods!

My DC is SEND which wasn't picked up until they started missing teenage milestones. But they are an expert at packing a bag for a trip because they started at about three!

pinkyredrose · 30/06/2024 12:12

IamaRevenant · 28/06/2024 17:04

Reminds me of my husband booking me a 'surprise' trip to his home town to go to his shit local festival with his mates and get wasted. He didn't even pay for it, he used my card.

Yeah cheers mate.

Edited

Bloody hell. Hope you're not still with him!

WmFnKdSg1234 · 30/06/2024 12:11

I hope you all had a great time, and that your DH surprised you by his organisational skills. Flowers

bevm72yellow · 30/06/2024 11:38

I imagine you are scared of the backlash from him of you not going or you not co-operating. he will get cross, shout, sulk or blame you? you may have to allow the children to be disappointed but this is a once a year Mum time not about everybody else's needs. And no it does not take "an hour tops" to pack/prepare , it takes way more time. Allow him to manage and stop saving him.

Caththegreat · 30/06/2024 11:03

Women....stop being martyrs ffs

2chocolateoranges · 30/06/2024 10:49

THisbackwithavengeance · 28/06/2024 14:31

Stop with the drama. Just do the bloody packing. Put some clothes in a bag.

It takes an hour tops.

Go on your trip.

Enjoy yourself.

Some Mumsnetters are not happy unless they're kicking off or encouraging other women to kick off. If you want your DH to dislike you and to spoil your family life, then of course refuse to go or throw a tantrum.

Totally agree, pack for you and the kids, he can pack his own things and then make sure you go out for dinner each day.

So no cooking and washing up.