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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect to share alcohol?

241 replies

Riversideandrelax · 28/06/2024 13:59

We went on an adult only trip to to celebrate a big birthday of a friend. It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes. We were sharing with one couple who are mutual friends of ours and one couple who we'd met a few times before but are not friends of ours.

Before we went this couple suggested we all put a bit of money in and they'd get some basic ingredients for breakfast/snacks for the holiday home. We agreed as did the friends of ours.

When we arrived they showed us what they'd bought. It was lots of 'basics' type things like cheap white bread, biscuits, crisps, squash, margarine, baked beans, instant coffee, sugary cereal, lots of sausages and bacon (I'm vegetarian.) This is not the type of food I normally eat but after a moment just thought I obviously had different expectations but as nothing was specified I'll have to put it down to experience. So we didn't say anything negative about the food - just got on with it.

We'd all brought some alcohol with us. Myself and the friends of ours said to everybody else 'please help yourself.' We'd brought a bottle of champagne, some wine and beers. Our friends had bought similar. The other couple bought a bottle of spirits. I realise now they'd not suggested that it was to be shared. I'd also brought some nice nibbles to share - crisps, olives, bread sticks.

On the first proper night (had arrived late on the first day) we were all sat in the lounge having some drinks and the nibbles I'd brought. I'd opened one of our bottles of wine and myself and the 2 other women were drinking that. The men all had some of the spirit. Anyway the evening went on and the men were a bit drunk. The man who brought the bottle of spirits started a physical fight with my DP because he'd helped himself to the spirit. It all came out. About how they'd offered us a cup of tea but we'd not reciprocated - we didn't ever have a tea as we don't like the cheap tea bags. We should have made them breakfast to thank them for getting the shopping.

I realised the whole thing about us paying for this shopping was essentially because they couldn't bare to share anything.

My DP didn't retaliate but left the holiday home to go for a walk to let things calm down. When he got back we packed our things and left.

I think the moral is not to go on holiday with people you don't know well. We are the type of people that share everything. They'd been counting every time my partner had some of their alcohol. They also eat very differently to us, which is fine, I'd just not realised. But perhaps they should have checked as they wanted to do it this way.

OP posts:
Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 20:39

Luxell934 · 29/06/2024 20:19

£90 for two days worth of breakfasts and snacks for 6 people??!

Yes! Hence why I thought we'd get nice things.

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Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 20:38

Ahhhhhbisto · 29/06/2024 20:06

Shock £90 is more than enough for 2 days worth of breakfast and snacks for 6 people! I would expect ingredients for a decent cooked breakfast, pastries, fruit, juice and snacks for that amount.

I know you said they went for quantity but how much did they buy?!

So when we arrived acquaintance couple were already there and they'd unpacked the groceries. The woman opened the cupboards/fridge/freezer to show us.

I'm not joking when I say there was about 12 packets of biscuits! 2 big packs of multipack crisps, I think. Maybe 3 packs of fairy cakes.

A couple of big packs of sausages (40 sausages in total!) . 2 big trays of caged hens eggs. 6 packs of bacon. 6 tins of baked beans. 4 loaves of bread. 2 big packs of sugary cereal. Big pack of teabags, big jar of instant coffee, big bottle of orange squash, 3 cartons of from concentrate orange juice. Pack of sugar, 6 pints of milk.

And yes, they took all the leftovers home with them!

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 29/06/2024 20:27

Why I love travelling alone. Have the best conversations with complete strangers.

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 20:21

Ladyluckinred · 29/06/2024 19:54

£90 for breakfast bits and some snacks is a lot of money! No wonder you looked shocked!

I know!! That's what I spend for my weekly shop!

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 29/06/2024 20:19

£90 for two days worth of breakfasts and snacks for 6 people??!

Ahhhhhbisto · 29/06/2024 20:06

Shock £90 is more than enough for 2 days worth of breakfast and snacks for 6 people! I would expect ingredients for a decent cooked breakfast, pastries, fruit, juice and snacks for that amount.

I know you said they went for quantity but how much did they buy?!

Ladyluckinred · 29/06/2024 19:54

£90 for breakfast bits and some snacks is a lot of money! No wonder you looked shocked!

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 19:30

YellowAsteroid · 29/06/2024 18:55

I'd have thought for £7.50 per person you could easily get a dozen free-range eggs, a rye loaf of bread, 250g packet of butter, some tomatoes & mushrooms, and some sausages.

Who needs scads of custard creams when you're out with friends all day?

Yes, I think it was plenty to get some really decent breakfasts and a few nibbles.

Exactly weren't going to be spending every day having tea and biscuits!

OP posts:
YellowAsteroid · 29/06/2024 18:55

I'd have thought for £7.50 per person you could easily get a dozen free-range eggs, a rye loaf of bread, 250g packet of butter, some tomatoes & mushrooms, and some sausages.

Who needs scads of custard creams when you're out with friends all day?

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 16:38

Ahhhhhbisto · 29/06/2024 16:21

Out of pure nosiness, how much was the budget/did you contribute?

YANBU to leave after things turned physical. The rest is down to personality and lack of communication.

We gave £30 per couple which was to cover 2 breakfasts and some snacks.

I think that was plenty to get more than basics food?

OP posts:
Ahhhhhbisto · 29/06/2024 16:21

Out of pure nosiness, how much was the budget/did you contribute?

YANBU to leave after things turned physical. The rest is down to personality and lack of communication.

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 14:46

NeutralIsland · 29/06/2024 14:24

Because, if eating white sliced bread, cereal, PG Tips and cheap eggs are your 'normal', it simply won't have occurred to you that other people (whom you don't know) don't eat as you do, and that you may need to communicate that you eat more 'basic' food to the other people, and to make financial adjustments to your food kitty. You seem unable to grasp that everyone's food norm is not yours.

I mean, I'm entirely of your food norm (not privileged -- I grew up in a very impoverished WC family, eating cheap food and not much of it, and discovering good (vegetarian) food and how to cook it was a total revelation in adulthood), and if I were catering for joint breakfasts on a weekend away, I would have bought good coffee beans (and brought a grinder) and the kind of foods you mention. I'm not questioning that at all.

But I'm well aware that a lot of people eat cheap basics, whether from poverty or preference.

I can think of people I know who would have bought exactly what the couple in your house did, not from poverty, nor from malice, nor from an attempt to economise so they could splurge on booze, but because it wouldn't have occurred to them to buy anything else because those are 'breakfast foods'. That's what they grew up with (as did I) and that's what they still eat.

No, I think I've made quite clear I am aware of that. And if people like eating cheap food, that's perfectly fine. My best friend and my DP are from a similar background to you.

But why would you not ask for the money you need for the cheap food which would then have made it clear and we could have said something? That's the bit I don't get. Some people eat those foods - fine. Some people don't eat nicer food on holiday - fine. But why not make the budget fit that then?

OP posts:
Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 14:40

Charlize43 · 29/06/2024 14:18

I'd certainly not want to stay after a physical fight. You did the right thing by leaving.

I hate violence.

I hate violence too.

OP posts:
Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 14:39

Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 14:01

However, he remained resolute that he was in the right. I think he was quite brazen and not aware that nobody agreed with him

So he carried on with the weekend thinking everyone thought he was in the right? And no one else mentioned what happened?

Thats bizarrre. I can’t imagine my husband being physically attacked and us leaving, and all my friends just carrying on for the weekend like nothing had happened.

Yes, other people did mention it. But I think everyone was very wary of him kicking off again and didn't want to spoil the weekend anymore than it had already been spoiled. They didn't carry on like nothing had happened.

OP posts:
NeutralIsland · 29/06/2024 14:24

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:28

But why are the things I like less valid than liking very cheap food? I don't know how I can say I don't like that kind of food without 'showing my privilege'. I admit I grew up in a middle class home so I guess my tastes reflect that. But I can't change that. If other people want to eat basic food then that is perfectly fine. But if that's what they wanted maybe they should have communicated that and charged us less!

Because, if eating white sliced bread, cereal, PG Tips and cheap eggs are your 'normal', it simply won't have occurred to you that other people (whom you don't know) don't eat as you do, and that you may need to communicate that you eat more 'basic' food to the other people, and to make financial adjustments to your food kitty. You seem unable to grasp that everyone's food norm is not yours.

I mean, I'm entirely of your food norm (not privileged -- I grew up in a very impoverished WC family, eating cheap food and not much of it, and discovering good (vegetarian) food and how to cook it was a total revelation in adulthood), and if I were catering for joint breakfasts on a weekend away, I would have bought good coffee beans (and brought a grinder) and the kind of foods you mention. I'm not questioning that at all.

But I'm well aware that a lot of people eat cheap basics, whether from poverty or preference.

I can think of people I know who would have bought exactly what the couple in your house did, not from poverty, nor from malice, nor from an attempt to economise so they could splurge on booze, but because it wouldn't have occurred to them to buy anything else because those are 'breakfast foods'. That's what they grew up with (as did I) and that's what they still eat.

Charlize43 · 29/06/2024 14:18

I'd certainly not want to stay after a physical fight. You did the right thing by leaving.

I hate violence.

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 14:16

BusyMummy001 · 29/06/2024 13:59

On the few shared holidays I’ve been on, with very good/close friends before covid, wine/alcohol (everything) has been shared all round. There’s often been a kitty too.

I’m inclined to think that this man, being drunk so early on etc, might actually have a latent drink problem and that the spirits were his tipple of choice and he became belligerent. That being the case, he ought to have brought something his wife could drink and not helped himself to your offerings.

Have heard of similar stories from acquaintances though, recently, and it has confirmed both my and my DHs view that you avoid group holidays with people you don’t know that well. Travelling with out own teens is hard enough without navigating drunk near-stranger’s foibles too.

Edited

Perhaps that was why he was so protective of his vodka?

But yes, I think you are quite right not to holiday with anyone you don't know extremely well.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 14:01

However, he remained resolute that he was in the right. I think he was quite brazen and not aware that nobody agreed with him

So he carried on with the weekend thinking everyone thought he was in the right? And no one else mentioned what happened?

Thats bizarrre. I can’t imagine my husband being physically attacked and us leaving, and all my friends just carrying on for the weekend like nothing had happened.

BusyMummy001 · 29/06/2024 13:59

On the few shared holidays I’ve been on, with very good/close friends before covid, wine/alcohol (everything) has been shared all round. There’s often been a kitty too.

I’m inclined to think that this man, being drunk so early on etc, might actually have a latent drink problem and that the spirits were his tipple of choice and he became belligerent. That being the case, he ought to have brought something his wife could drink and not helped himself to your offerings.

Have heard of similar stories from acquaintances though, recently, and it has confirmed both my and my DHs view that you avoid group holidays with people you don’t know that well. Travelling with out own teens is hard enough without navigating drunk near-stranger’s foibles too.

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:54

Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 13:29

It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes.

So what happened when the two of you left suddenly before dinner? Was the first your other friends (in different holiday homes) knew about it was when you didn’t turn up to dinner? Did drunk couple go to dinner and explain what happened? Did they go to the rest of the weekend activities?

So, yes the first the others knew about it was when we didn't turn up to dinner. This was as dinner was so close to us leaving. I did speak to birthday friend that evening to apologise for leaving but they completely understood. They felt guilty for inviting drunk couple. I imagine our friends from our holiday home quietly spoke to our birthday friend. Drunk couple did indeed go to dinner!! The man was pretty brazen I think! I must admit I thought at first perhaps they'd leave and we could go back. The man thought he was in the right. It was an awkward situation for everybody. I'm not exactly sure what happened the next day but our friends from our holiday home decamped to another home as soon as they got up.

OP posts:
Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:41

PeppermintParty · 29/06/2024 12:49

I'm sure I can't be the only one that is curious about how the rest of the trip panned out after you and your DP left. Have you had any feedback from the others on the trip about whether this was an isolated incident, or whether the man kicked off about anything else to the other guests?

The man did not kick of about anything else as far as I'm aware. However, he remained resolute that he was in the right. I think he was quite brazen and not aware that nobody agreed with him. I do feel sorry for his wife as she was embarrassed by him and I'm sure she was aware of the atmosphere at the dinner. She was also very upset at the thought of losing our group as friends. I think everyone just did their best to enjoy the rest of their time and not spoil it for our birthday friend.

OP posts:
Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 29/06/2024 13:38

BagFullOfNoodles · 28/06/2024 19:11

I'd think I was superior to someone who got smashed on vodka and tried to fight someone too

Right?

Some posters are being real dicks to the OP for some reason.

This couple sound like scum.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/06/2024 13:29

It was a large group and we were divided into different holiday homes.

So what happened when the two of you left suddenly before dinner? Was the first your other friends (in different holiday homes) knew about it was when you didn’t turn up to dinner? Did drunk couple go to dinner and explain what happened? Did they go to the rest of the weekend activities?

Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:29

FrangipaniBlue · 29/06/2024 12:05

I just didn't like the food they bought. The eggs were caged hens ones. Obviously I don't eat the meat. Then sugary cereal and cheap white bread. I really don't mean to offend but I just don't like that food.

I 100% could have written this. But then that's why I would never agree to split a food shop with anyone.

I will remember that from now on.

OP posts:
Riversideandrelax · 29/06/2024 13:28

FrangipaniBlue · 29/06/2024 11:55

This with bells on.

The OPs privilege is showing more and more with each post.

But why are the things I like less valid than liking very cheap food? I don't know how I can say I don't like that kind of food without 'showing my privilege'. I admit I grew up in a middle class home so I guess my tastes reflect that. But I can't change that. If other people want to eat basic food then that is perfectly fine. But if that's what they wanted maybe they should have communicated that and charged us less!

OP posts: