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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I bring this up as an issue to my boyfriend?

41 replies

PineapplePeaches · 28/06/2024 12:37

Been together a year and a half.

At the beginning we were very flirty. He’d say things to me like “I’m crazy attracted to you 😫” and “you’re honestly so attractive”. Texts were quite vulgar haha and lots of dirty talk.

Nowadays, we do have regular sex and we are intimate with cuddling, holding hands etc. He will sometimes rub my hips or slap my bum (lol - I’m completely fine with this) when walking past.

However, flirting just feels a bit wooden now?
I sent him a picture of me at work wearing his favourite dress of mine (quite figure hugging). He said “I love that! 🥰”

I called him at lunch to let him know about plans for later, and then I said I’m not coming home first. I said I wish I could, and I said maybe I’ll keep this dress on for later, flirting. He said “you can do whatever you want!” I said “yeah maybe you can take it off for me” and he said “yes please!” I asked why and he said awkwardly “well I like seeing you naked!” And then changed the subject.

I find that nowadays, rather than saying things similar to what he used to say, he’s more ‘cutesy’. If I offer sex or anything, he said “yes please!” In a cutesy tone. If I say he’s attractive or fit, he’ll simply say “you’re so attractive too”. He won’t often say it first but if he does it just sounds more awkward?
After sex he’ll say “that was amazing!” And that’s it. He doesn’t talk during it.

i don’t know if any of this is making sense. He’s still so lovely to me and we are affectionate and he looks after me. However I just worry maybe that initial attraction isn’t there and he’ll look somewhere else?

I’ve asked similar before and he told me I’m being silly and of course he finds me just as attractive.

Is it worth bringing up as an issue or am I wasting my time?

OP posts:
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EveningSpread · 28/06/2024 14:47

andfinallyhereweare · 28/06/2024 13:29

Did you post before about texting your boyfriend about being sweaty at the gym trying to iniate flirting?

I remember this! Not to be cruel, but it sounds needy and desperate to me, which is the opposite of sexy 😂 I hope if it’s the same OP she can be confident in herself and stop all this, if I was her partner I’d be put off and exhausted by it! It also sounds very “young” behaviour as others have said.

Be confident OP! And chill! 💐

Sunshinethrumywindow · 28/06/2024 14:30

SunshineSky81 · 28/06/2024 13:43

Think you need to calm down op and stop reading so much into things.

Not very many people feel like a sex god everyday. I fancy the pants of my partner, but some days i just want to be left sexually alone so i can crash out wearing ugly pajamas and mainlining malteasers like some sort of slightly hairy couch goblin.

Snap but then I've been with mine 20 years 😂 swear I look like the exorcist some days and if he says I look beautiful I just look at him like he's mental!

Sunshinethrumywindow · 28/06/2024 14:28

You know why, because it's all lust at the beginning and now it's love with lust on the side so its more sweet then dirty as you say.
I don't see anything wrong with his response tbh, could be worse he could say,, "not tonight love...."

ginasevern · 28/06/2024 14:25

Perhaps he doesn't want to spend his life in a "Carry On" film filled with bum slapping and innuendo.

Waitingfordoggo · 28/06/2024 14:07

It sounds as though he has moved from the crazed lust phase into something more like love while you are keen to keep it in the lust phase. As many PPs have pointed out, most good relationships move through that phase and into something fuller, a whole lot calmer and less intense. If dirty talk and not being able to take hands off each other is important to you, perhaps you might be better off with more casual relationships rather than something long term.

MissingMoominMamma · 28/06/2024 14:02

Has he talked during sex previously?

My vadge would stitch itself together if anyone talked dirty to me; I’d much rather be told afterwards that it was ‘amazing’, but it all depends on your shagging history.

swimlyn · 28/06/2024 13:56

I think I would chuck it in right now. Get yourself into a new, exciting relationship just like this one was.

In eighteen months’ time, rinse and repeat.

SunshineSky81 · 28/06/2024 13:43

Think you need to calm down op and stop reading so much into things.

Not very many people feel like a sex god everyday. I fancy the pants of my partner, but some days i just want to be left sexually alone so i can crash out wearing ugly pajamas and mainlining malteasers like some sort of slightly hairy couch goblin.

Bountiez · 28/06/2024 13:38

andfinallyhereweare · 28/06/2024 13:29

Did you post before about texting your boyfriend about being sweaty at the gym trying to iniate flirting?

I remember this, and yes it sounds really familiar.

Circumferences · 28/06/2024 13:36

He sounds lovely!
Stop giving him a difficult time for being normal.
You sound like a really good couple, I'm happy for you that you've found love.

trextape · 28/06/2024 13:35

i look forward to the Op’s next thread about this issue

KreedKafer · 28/06/2024 13:35

andfinallyhereweare · 28/06/2024 13:29

Did you post before about texting your boyfriend about being sweaty at the gym trying to iniate flirting?

Yes, I was thinking of that post too. And also of a poster who constantly asked her boyfriend if he was 'going off her' over every tiny imagined thing that he did/didn't do.

Sunshineclouds11 · 28/06/2024 13:34

Agree you asked why and made it awkward.

Things do fizzle out on the flirting point after so long tbh.

You seem to be quite needy to me.

Cosycover · 28/06/2024 13:31

You're the one being weird and awkward.

Chill out.

KreedKafer · 28/06/2024 13:31

You sound really insecure and quite needy. It's perfectly normal for the hot-and-steamy phase of a relationship to settle into something more comfortable and relaxed. It doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you - he clearly still thinks you're hot. Asking him for constant reassurance and trying to fish for compliments all the time is just a bit cringe. It sounds like you really need to look at your own attachment style here because you're being quite OTT about this.

andfinallyhereweare · 28/06/2024 13:29

Did you post before about texting your boyfriend about being sweaty at the gym trying to iniate flirting?

PurpleyDog · 28/06/2024 13:25

Mounjaroooooh · 28/06/2024 12:42

I've read a very similar post to this, have you posted it before?

Yes it all sounds very familiar!

Lifeisamysterytome · 28/06/2024 13:25

Really if he sounds awkward then perhaps it's his reaction to you trying to force him into talking/ behaving in a way he isn't comfortable with?
He must be feeling pressure if you are always trying to turn every conversation into flirting/ innuendo.
I really think if you dont relax a bit and just enjoy your conversations and life together, you will really have the opposite effect on him from the one you want to achieve. He will feel he is having to go through hoops to please you.

Therealjudgejudy · 28/06/2024 13:19

You sound immature and overly needy....sorry 🤷‍♀️

StatelyGardens · 28/06/2024 13:15

Unlike others, I do agree that, the fact that you are having regular s3x is not much of a pointer.

Many many blokes (especially the young ones but even some older guys) are happy to have regular sex even with a female friend. Some even hate their gfs and planning to break up, but would still have regular sex with them until the day they break up!

StatelyGardens · 28/06/2024 13:12

There is only one valid thing here n your op.

Why are you scared 'he might look elsewhere?" What makes you think so? So weird to just suddenly worry 'he might look elsewhere'.

At 18 months of relationship, the only consideration is, is this relationship good for me and is it good for him? I have never been in a relationship and my overarching concern is 'would he look elsewhere'.

Are you employable? Are you developing your career or is he your 'be all'?
That is what OP needs to examine. 28 is too young unless your only focus is sex and flirting in all your relationships at your age.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/06/2024 13:11

It’s normal for the initial “can’t keep your hands off each other” novelty to wear off once you’re in a long term relationship and living together. You’re having regular sex and when you’re together, he shows that he finds you attractive; that’s the important stuff. I have a high sex drive and we have a lot of sex; but my libido would immediately shrivel if DH were constantly trying to instigate “sexy talk” or wanting to talk about taking my clothes off when I was busy doing other shit and kept persisting even when I wasn’t responding enthusiastically to it. OP, he has a job and a life and other stuff going on, and you trying to make it all about sex when he’s at work trying to eat his lunch is clearly way too much.

EveningSpread · 28/06/2024 13:05

It sounds like you’re insecure about the (quite normal) changes to your relationship OP, and are now forcing the issue and creating awkward conversations, which are making you feel worse.

It’s not reasonable to feel the first intensity of attraction to last forever. Things change. If they change well, you remain attracted to each other, becoming increasingly committed, and build a life together.

I sympathise with you, because I think women are often encouraged to see their value as primarily sexual, so the natural cooling off of attraction that happens in a relationship can be very worrying. But your worth and value is not purely sexual - you have many other things to offer in a relationship. And your boyfriend will only look elsewhere if (a) he is a dick or (b) the relationship is failing.

Confidence and being relaxed are key. Don’t make sex into an issue before it is one. It sounds like the relationship is fine, but you’d benefit from looking inward to see why you have certain expectations and fears.

C1N1C · 28/06/2024 13:04

I'd say stop being clingy and requiring affirmation. You're almost 30, you're still together, life is going to 'settle'...

Ease into the blandness of maturity. If you need sparks and rainbows every day, life is really going to kick you in the balls! :)

You're together, and happy. That's pretty much as good as it gets.

Bountiez · 28/06/2024 12:58

You asked why, that was so awkward. It was already flirty and needed leaving there! All of what I'm reading sounds like he is fine and it's a you problem. But I suppose we are all different and you have the comparison to how it was before. Telling you the sex is amazing...? That's fine, what is it you want him to talk about during sex? 🙈