To worry he won't do it

Hence why I said set a joint deadline - it's joint, it's not micromanaging, and if he misses it then there is a conversation about consequences which means she is NOT caving in, it's literally holding him account to something he signed up to.

When did you ask him to do it?

This behaviour would drive me mad and I would probably get the passports myself as I couldn’t stand the stress. In the long term you could accept him as he is and be the organiser for the family or ( after the holiday), have a frank conversation saying that you don’t want to live like this and can’t see the marriage surviving unless he makes a genuine commitment to take more responsibility. Good luck, but in my experience, it’s hard to change a grown man.

" I get people wanting to call his bluff, but it isn't fair if the kids miss out to prove a point to him, that's just wrong "

Men know this, they know their wives and girlfriends/mothers of their children will cave in because of the children.
We need to stop this, they emotionally manipulate us with their own children to get away with shit behaviour.

You could argue that letting the children see mum do it all and having to micromanage dad is also very wrong.

I get people wanting to call his bluff, but it isn't fair if the kids miss out to prove a point to him, that's just wrong.

Can you just set a deadline by which you BOTH agree everything needs to be done - i.e. end of August for passports, insurance, any other essentials? If you both agree to it together then you can commit to together. If he hasn't done it by then you have every right to have a firm conversation with him about consequences. But don't just take the task away from him, not least because there are still 4-5 months to go...

why should the kids lose out or be weaponised?

If he doesn't do it, you go on holiday without him and the children, he has to stay at home and use his annual leave looking after two very pissed off kids and you get to relax & see your family, I think that will be a lesson learnt for him.

I understand your frustration but you could have applied for your children's passports online in the time it took you to post this on Mumsnet.

Even taking the kids to get their photo taken is a colossal waste of time. You can do it with your mobile phone and a white wall.

Ask your husband if he has done it yet and I'd the answer is no, do it yourself.

I think you've picked the wrong hill to die on here.

he often forgets to do things like clean the bathroom when he said he would so I end up doing it.

Pick this one instead ^^ as it's so ridiculous.

This. if you want him to experience consequences then choose something that won't result in such a big screw up.

You haven’t left him in charge.
your trying to micromanage him.
either leave him to it or tell him you don’t trust him to get it done and do it yourself
otherwise you will just wind yourself up into a ball and annoy him in the process.
if you want him to take more responsibility do yours and the kids and leave his in his own hnds

I'm assuming that there's history here to this situation? I think it's hard because you're totally justified in being nervous, but, on the surface, he's totally justified in telling you to back off and leave it to him.

Assumign there is a history and this is an ongoing issue (my guess is that he's agreed to step up more and this is the way you've suggested it starts?), I would say something like, "Look, I know I've been asking you about the passports but it's really stressing me out. So, I'm going to trust you because I do completely understand that it's frustrating that I don't. But this is really really important so if there are any problems, I'm telling you know that it's going to be a huge issue for us."

That comment is not ideal but I think you sort of have to acknowledge the Elephant in the room. He might turn around and accuse you of threatening him or whatever, in which case I think you can even acknowlege that, "I know, that's what it sounds like. The truth is though that I want to trust you, but in the past you haven't stepped up so I'm finding it very hard and I know that if this falls apart I'm going to be angry and upset. I need you to know that."

You really need to learn to leave it with him.

You may end up going alone and you should absolutely go if he fucks this up.

Stop stepping in for him, this is the only way he will learn.

Well I guess it depends on how much you want this holiday. If he has form for this, you're setting him up to fail really. A passport is a pretty important thing, why would you leave the one vital thing for him to do? But I guess if he doesn't do it you could just go off somewhere on your own and leave him with the kids.

Normally I would say leave him to it, but this affects you and the children too so it doesn't really make much sense using this as a lesson to him. Maybe start leaving things to him that impact him more than you.

Yes, exactly.

He's not going to do it because he knows you will. Call his bluff, accept the consequences will be a huge loss, and benefit from them within your day to day life. Unless you stop rescuing him, he will always expect it.

@AmelieTaylor interesting, they're her children, or their children?

@Testina fair enough, I'm no holiday insurance expert and don't bother with it because I presume they will find an excuse not to pay out, so not being arsed to get the kids their passports would certainly be on that list of reasons not to pay!

I would make a date in my mind whereby if it wasn't done, I would either be a) badgering him every single day to pull his goddamn finger out; or b) doing it for him.

Only you know which is the most appropriate. DH and I tend to do these things together, so we both have awareness (in our case it means I do the forms as he's dyslexic as fuck and might spell his own name wrong!) but then he might go and get someone to sign the photos, or take them to the PO to post them.

Does any insurance cover, “didn’t bother to check passport”? I doubt it!!

Totally agree on your second point!

Out of all the jobs to have given to someone who is a bit useless, it wouldnt have been passports. It's up to you whether you're happy to risk him and the kids not being there. If you're ok to go alone, leave him to it.

How long ago did you ask him to do it?

@GoldDuster it's not about putting 'guard rails' around him for HIS sake, it's about making sure her children can go on their holiday!

@Pickingmyselfup with a DH like yours, it's not the job I'd be delegating. I'm way too much of a control freak for that. It wouldn't be worth my stress.

with my current partner, he'd put it in his diary and it would be done by next Friday though he'd whinge about it - not about having to be the one to do it, but about the process. He's a bit of a grumpy bugger. Though previous one was more 'sunny' but would 'forget' stuff.

if only you could pick & chose the bits you want I'd have the perfect man by now!!

If you have reason not to trust he'll do it, I'd do it myself and make sure he does something equally or more time consuming instead. Equal division of labour is important, but it's worth playing to your strengths. I'd think the control freak would be better suited to a job like passports than the forgetful one.

Leave it with him, it's his issue - and take the trip alone if he hasn't sorted it

There have to be consequences for his shit behaviour