To think my SIL is over the top for this?

They just want a childfree holiday and here is their perfect excuse. As if this is solely because of the name calling, if it is she is a bit twisted.

Yanbu. I think it's ott.

I have three sons and would absolutely come down hard on any sniff of bullying or misogyny from them. But I wouldn't ban them from the family holiday, much less if that holiday included a family wedding.

I fully expected this thread to be full of 'good for your SIL' type posts but in reality I don't think the vast majority of people would punish a child in this way.

Personally I think your SIL and DB are tapped and setting themselves up for a NC child in future.

There should certainly be some punishment but not what SIL has suggested which affects a lot more people than the lad himself.

I agree a punishment should be something that punishes the person who did it not a whole load of others who are now upset and have missed out financially

also the longer term impact of always knowing you missed a family wedding could be huge

i agree it needs something but not this

It’s none of your business.

Your SIL and her DH sound brilliant. They were bullying her for her looks and weight. People have taken their own lives for less. Stop minimising it and butt out.

But does he care he's missing the wedding? Has the bride asked him, seeing as they are so close?

I think this is a decision that belongs with your brother and SIL - OP herself called him a “misogynistic twat” - if more parents took control when this type of behaviour started the world would be a better place - it is irrelevant if the OP/PP are in disagreement. OP I think you are probably making things worse - there is a chance the parents could relent and set a different punishment but pushing them to do this could just make them more entrenched.

A punishment for one person shouldn't cause deep hurt for another.

SIL is punishing your sister for her son's misdeed. That makes no sense. Had anyone pointed that out to her and your brother @killingpeeve ?

So he’s singled out and ostracised.
isn’t that exactly what he did to this girl?
seems like a perfect punishment

I also think it’s a bit weird that the bride and groom are so upset about a nephew not attending the wedding.

Good on your SIL. No wonder kids are awful now days with all the harking on about irreparable damage will be done because he misses a holiday! LOL

He’s in fuck around and find out territory

Yes but that wasn’t the point the previous poster was making

Ahh I admire your SIL, fantastic response from her.

I think you SIL is awesome. I would keep out of it.

It's all about what everyone else wants – does he even want to go?!

It’s none of your business. And stop blaming your SIL when your brother also agrees with the punishment for his son.

If not having a 15yo at a wedding blights it for the bride and groom, they are clearly bonkers. It’s not up to them if he attends, it’s up to the parents. The parents have decided no.

The wedding isn’t the treat for a 15yo lad, the holiday it. He is being prevented from taking part in a trip abroad because he was a bully.

She’s absolutely right, as if a 15yo boy cares about a wedding. The only thing he’ll be upset about missing is a holiday. And he doesn’t deserve it, the damage he and his friend could do to the girl they were bullying.

The school should be having an assembly about being kind and not being homophobic. I know it's not generally liked on here, but a bit of humiliation for those boys in front of their year would probably go a long way. Make them feel like the girl felt.

I think his punishment should be more educational, so he can learn the impact on any person that is/has been bullied. I don’t know if the girl in question would be up for a meeting for him to apologise but maybe start there. Or tell him to research and write an essay about the impact of bullying. I think in the long term that would be more likely to get him to see the error of his ways.

OP, this isn't up to the rest of the family to undermine your SIL (and incidentally you have focused on her when her husband your brother is also supporting this, so why isn't he the focus of the family ire? Backstory with SIL?).

You all need to let it go, and your sister needs to stop being a bridezilla. This is passive aggressive bullying of your SIL.

I think that this is an excellent idea - clearly aligned to the offence. To make it hit home even more, the essay should be handwritten.

I’m team SIL - however, as others have said, is it really a punishment or actually a win for him? Many 15 year olds would be delighted not to have to go to a boring wedding. I don’t really understand why the bride or other family is upset either. His presence won’t make or break the day. What if her wedding had coincided with him being on a school trip or having an exam, would she have rearranged it to have him there? If I was the bride or another family member I’d say damn right the gobshite homophobe isn’t coming!

Ridiculous punishment!

He should be grounded and have his phone taken away, but also the best one was a poster up thread who mentioned he should have to write a 2000 word essay on the effects of bullying and mental health, he might actually learn something then!
Lots of talks with the adults in his life about being kind as well.
To punish the bride groom and rest of the family is pathetic especially as every time they look at the photos he will be missing, but also what will he be doing at his nans the whole time?? Maybe hanging out with the same boys who behaved so badly?