To think my SIL is over the top for this?

Absolutely! This 'doing it because they fancy her' rubbish is what leads to the kind of men prevalent in society now, particularly the OLD misogynists, who become abusive to women because they dare to turn them down or just don't fancy them. I've been on the receiving end of this multiple times, so I'm totally Team SIL - bloody good for her for trying to raise a respectful man.

And that poor girl, who swims and goes to the gym and keeps herself fit and active and healthy, being called names for being attractive. What if this bullying is extreme to the point that she stops all the stuff she enjoys because of a bunch of pathetic teenage twats who can't take rejection?

I work in a secondary school - both girls and boys can be unbelievably cruel to each other, and it's totally correct that schools don't punish properly. My friend's clever, lovely, and talented Year 10 daughter in my school has been horrendously bullied because of jealousy and peer pressure and she is often in my office with me - it's heart breaking to see a confident, well-brought up child fall apart because of the attitude of nasty kids who have no consequences.

Why are they being punished because he wont be there. That sounds more illogical to me. Im sure noone would have noticed until this all came out?
How close is this family for one nephew not being there to make such a big impression and totally spoil the whole wedding day.

No, you are right.

Teenagers are usually distraught to miss family weddings, miss holidays with strict parents but being left with a nan where they can do whatever they please at whatever time they like.

Sounds awful.

Yeah as kids love missing out on holidays and being excluded from their immediate family. Relish it.

I tip my hat to her!

I did similar to my son. He hadn't been knuckling down at school, and I warned him that if his mock exam results were terrible, he wouldn't be coming to Florida, where we were going for a wedding. Guess what, his exam results were atrocious, so he stayed home.

It was, in part, the kick up the bum he needed, that and the realisation that he was messing up, big time. HIs actual exam results were the polar opposite. Sometimes, you do have to go nuclear to get the message across.

Thing is you can’t teach a kid not to bully by being a bully yourself. And his mother is bullying him. Way worse than he did to this girl. All she is teaching him is she needs to parent with fear and control, excessive punishments, and she’s breeding resentment and dislike.

I wouldn't be surprised if the nephew were quite happy to get out of going to the wedding...

I was also wondering why you are focusing on your SIL @killingpeeve - surely your brother is in agreement with her about the punishment, so why are you blaming her?

All of this!! I think your brother and sil are great parents in their attitude, but I don’t think the punishment is fitting. But they know him best.

wow "Bridezilla" someone upset because her nephew won't be there?
You sound charming.

No, the punishment is hitting the bride where it hurts.

He wasn't rewarded with a nice holiday. The wedding and the holiday were already planned and booked. The bride wants him there as planned. But apparently her wishes don't count.

Again, the bride and groom and her family are being punished for his actions. That is entirely illogical.

YABU - They have both agreed the punishment SIL and BIL and now would be unwise to backtrack on it. Maybe could have been a better punishment but its done. Can't see having the nephew there will make much difference and overreaction by bridezilla. No need for the whole family to be upset - why so much drama over weddings I never understand.

So these boys probably fancy her so are insulting her appearance to bring her down? Disgusting. I'm with your SIL on this. If my son behaves like this when he's older I'll be on him like a tonne of bricks.

This. It doesn't make it better that she is actually conventionaly attractive and the bullying isn't true. There is a recent thread about how words said to children become internalized - you should read it.

He needs to learn that the reaction to a girl not being interested in him romantically is to accept it and move on without treating her like shit.

I think you should support his parents. They know more about what's going on then you do.

So is his Dad, Uncles and other male relatives talking to him about this? Has ge gone down the Andrew Tate etc wormhole? This needs full discussions, from men who he respects, not just punishments.

Read the thread about how women forever internalise what is said to them. However it's important to stay close to teen lads so you can be of influence. He's going to lose family connections because he's missed an Important family event.

I admire your sister's attitude and protectiveness towards this girls mental health but I don't think banning him from the wedding is the right approach, it's a huge family event and your other sister is understanding upset at not having her nephew at her wedding. Plus if he's generally a good kid and this is out of character it's going to make him feel misunderstood by his parents and like he's punished severely for mishaps, getting carried away with his friends and lapses in judgement. He's a young teen, he may explore and experiment as he grows up and he should feel safe to come to his parents if he needs help, not that he's going to get punished and judged for 'not knowing better'

The more OP says the more I agree with her sister

He's having a holiday at his nan instead, how is that a punishment

Agree. The consequence should bite hard on him. But only him. This affects your sister too. Your sister should not be punished for your nephew's offence. Also, any consequences that interfere with his connection with wider family is not going to help his social or emotional development. SIL needs to find another way.

Well I guess the punishment has to be something that he'll miss otherwise it's not a punishment. Sounds like she's found something to hit him where it hurts and good for her.

My friend is a secondary school teacher and is always saying that parents don't believe that their little angels are capable of anything so it's refreshing to actually see a parent teaching consequences to their kids.

They really are the same thing. I really don't want to derail but I really think your thinking is skewed about this it doesn't matter why they did it they did it.

I dont think a nephew not going to a wedding will have much effect on it. Have you got daughters?how would you feel if yours had been bullied like this and found one of the perpetrators has been rewarded with a nice holiday. I think your SIL is right he should be punished. I dont think you and your DS like your Sil in the first place. Sounds like there is history.

Boys will be boys eh op? Must be her fault for being too attractive.

The school deemed this serious enough to call the parents in. Would I fuck be allowing my son to go off on holiday after bullying a girl in this way. This will stay with that girl for life. Give over with the “sister will be so upset” bullshit too. The gravity of what he has done outweighs some bloody wedding by miles.

You’re subscribing to the tired old trope of ‘boys only tease girls they fancy’, as if it’s harmless.

I was the girl teased by the boys at my school for being pretty (they talked about how I was the only girl they’d shag, how they loved me etc) as a teen girl it didn’t make it any better, it made me feel self-conscious and like it was my fault.

You sound utterly naive about these things OP.