To think my SIL is over the top for this?

You’re welcome to think as you will. If you ask my now 23 year old son, he will tell you I was right, and that he was farting about on his games console when he should have been studying 🤷‍♀️

It's up to the parents how go discipline their children and I wouldn't be disagreeing with the parents on this. Doing his mocks indicates that he is old enough to know how awful his comment was and he needs some serious consequences to prevent it happening again. The world would be a much better place if all parents took bullying as seriously as your sister

It is not the punishment I would have chosen because of the ripple effect on other people.

however, I agree with your SIL that this type of bullying requires a serious punishment at home. I simply would have chosen something else equally severe.

Quite. I admire the fact that she's not the type of parent to let him get away with it. Too many parents seem to leap to their child's defence, even in the face of obvious wrongdoing, but this is definitely a step too far IMO.

Imagine being at the wedding and someone saying "Where's DS?" and they have to say "He called someone a rude name at school so we didn't let him come".

My nephews were at my wedding and I'd have been really upset if they hadn't been, as we're very close too.

As they say, the punishment needs to fit the crime and there are plenty of other punishments that would get the message across without upsetting other family members too.

Op maybe don't get involved.. it's not your wedding and it ain't your son. Let the ppl who it does involve manage it ... I always find it's family members like you that aren't even directly involved making the situation worse then it needs to be. Maybe go and do some holiday shopping!

Wow, good for your SIL, she doesn’t take prisoners does she.

I would be upset too at a nephew or niece missing a family wedding but it’s not really for you to say.

He was out of order no question, and school were crap.

Sanctions (grounded, no phone etc etc ) would be a far more immediate and effective consequence.

Removing from a family holiday seems a bit extreme, and liable to push him away from family, at a time when he needs to be brought closer, in order to really address any of this behaviour.

Making him angry, upset and outcast is likely to result in worse behaviour patterns from a 15 year old boy.

I'm going to presume he's a generally good boy at least partly because he has parents who instil boundaries.

Now he'll know they have a zero tolerance for bullying. Poor girl for having to deal with that appalling language.

Janehasamane,you don't believe in harsh punishment and think "words" are enough! My 14 year old DGD has been bullied verbally by a gang of girls in and out of school, and ended up suicidal!

Exactly! Your ’lovely’ nephew will view wider family as soft & how would your family feel if they discovered he had attached names for certain characters/members within the family too.

OP can you come up with a more appropriate punishment? I agree that a witten apology isn’t sufficient but maybe he could be deprived of his phone and all social media while he is away at the wedding. Internet should be simple to ensure he takes nothing with him. If he is left behind he will be possibly tempted to collude with his mates in bullying on social media. Tell the boy in way of explanation he cannot be trusted so needs to accompany the family. Other consequences may follow.

Combining the OP’s comments about how the buys “just fancy her”, the weird OTT drama by the wider family, the undermining of parenting decisions and the unexplained focus on SIL being the bad guy while the brother is doing exactly the same…. I wonder if the parents haven’t actually identified that the misogynistic rot in their son partly comes from this side of the family and, in reality, the wedding ban is not in place mainly as a punishment but as a first distancing step or at least a way to limit the son having unsupervised discussions with other family members saying “boys will be boys, you’re mom is over reacting” etc.

Hi, I wouldn't consider myself a 'snowflake', more someone who has a different perspective of the seriousness of what the 15 year old has done 'wrong'. I admit name calling isn't good but there are seriously worse behaviours that teenagers can engage in. And the boy's parents admit to being very proud of him! Sums it up perfectly, I appreciate we all have different perceptions of seriousness and I respect yours.

This is a tough one. On the one hand i admire her for coming down tough but on the other hand it’s also a punishment for the bride and extended family to a degree. Would there be a way of him attending the wedding but then missing the extended holiday?

it’s not the same scale and v different ages but I’ve always been careful about not threatening attendance at parties because while it’s something my own children really, really care about - there’s a knock on impact on another child which doesn’t feel fair.

The word you're looking for is 'consequences'.

Nothing wrong with consequences.

@killingpeeve What punishment would you give then?

It’s none of your business how she disciplines her child.

Lets not get it twisted, you all think that you are all being inconvenienced by her decision and that’s why you’re all grumbling, you don’t give two figs about his appalling behaviour.

Name calling OP’s nephew to the degree demonstrated on this thread is shameful. We don’t know him and yes, we don’t know the true circumstances surrounding this incident, but he’s being demonised to a ridiculous extent.

What is important is his response to what has happened. Is he ashamed of his behaviour? Does he accept the impact that his words could have had on the girl being name called? Does he want to apologise and put things right because he wants to, not because he’s being made to?

If all the above answers are in the affirmative then punishment is not necessary. What matters is that he will never behave like this towards another person again.

Devastation and collateral damage FFS! Get a grip

IMO that is shocking behaviour from a parent and is bullying in itself!

Woah, Nellie 😂

Shockingly and frighteningly so??
’Try and minimise the effect on you?’

What a bloody snowflake.

Hi OP, yes your SIL is completely OTT, SHOCKINGLY AND FRIGHTENLY SO!
I can understand why you are upset and your nephew will be to. However, you have no control over this and as hard as it is, you need to try and minimise the effect on you. Enjoy the wedding as best you can.

I’m team SIL.
Maybr they know he’s really looking forward to it, and this is the punishment that will shock him into realising how unacceptable his behaviour is. I wish more parents had the balls to do this.
Your adult sister will have to get over the fact that he isn’t there.
One thing for sure though; the whole thing is pointless if he hears you all saying his mum was wrong. Then he misses out and doesn’t learn from it.

Sorry but I'm with the SiL on this. Also the guilt tripping by the rest of the family is IMO pathetic. If you really cared about your nephew you would back the parents and support them in trying to raise a boy into a man who actually cares about women and girls. if all he gets is a slap on the wrist then what message does that send...." oh it's ok son, what you did was wrong but let's all go on holiday and have a good time, it doesn't matter really"?