To think my SIL is over the top for this?

OP if this was a girl who was calling a boy a fairy, then no one on here would agree with the punishment.

It’s massively OTT. All your nephew will learn from this is that his parents are nasty. They’ll regret it in future.

I was bullied as a young teen (13/14) - called “skateboard” by a group of lads and girls, because I was small, skinny and straight up and down. As my way of essentially controlling the situation (or at least my reaction to it), I developed an eating disorder. All that said, I personally think your SIL has got this wrong.

Putting aside the missing out on the wedding aspect, given the (soon to be) bride and groom have partially paid for the cost of the holiday/trip for your nephew, I don’t think it’s right for your SIL to unilaterally decide that that money goes to waste with him not travelling.

If she wants to impose a meaningful and relevant punishment on him, why not get him to do some fundraising/volunteering activities for a anti-bullying charity or a women’s charity?

Tell him he has to give up x number of weekends over the summer holidays, he misses out on time with his friends/computers etc, he learns more about the damaging impact the kind of behaviour he and his cronies indulged in has in a real and tangible way, but also gets the chance to make some kind of atonement through raising money/supporting and contributing in a positive way.

It’s none of your business. Parent your own kids. I can’t believe you’ve come here to moan about this.

What he did was horrible and if that was my daughter, I would be really angry with the school for being so soft on him, so good on your SIL for coming down hard on him.

I think the punishment has to hit him where it hurts, so it would depend to me on whether or not he wants to go to the wedding. If he doesn't want to go, then actually, she should absolutely make him go - staying with a Nan might actually be quite nice for him (depends on the Nan, of course). Generally, grandparents are quite indulgent.

So, if taking away phone/tablet/internet and/or grounding etc for a set period is going to upset him more, then she should do that.

If he's fanatical about a sport - no sport for x weeks etc etc

Does your nephew care about missing a wedding ? I wouldn’t have thought most teenaged boys would. I also find it hard to believe that the bride to be would be bothered.

This but OP does not say what the nephews response to the whole situation is. Could be that he is an arrogant little shit and does not care about the hurt he has caused so it could be justified.

I had to do something similar with my teen behaviour absolutely awful school and home disrespectful to teachers me etc etc I’m sure he was close to being kicked out
i cancelled his trip to America it was a school trip I followed through I felt awful
can’t say it made everything better he did improve slightly got him through his exams this year

So your own SIL wants to do this - what is your problem - surely she knows how her own son behaves? Sounds like there is a another story here that only your brother and SIL know which is why she is being as she is. Leave it be, give it a rest. Nothing to do with you. BACK OFF

He got the obligatory slap on the wrist at school and a more severe punishment at home, it's called good parenting.

He's a bully, though. Finally some parents that deal with it, and you're annoyed because it's an inconvenience to your family event.

If more parents were like your SIL and brother the world would be a better place.

the Parents are still going

Good for her, I’ve a daughter bullied relentlessly about weight I wish everyone was as good a parent as her

Sounds like, they didn’t want to go to the wedding snd have found the perfect excuse.

I agree with her. A gang of boys are bullying a teenage girl. Bullies don't get privileges imo.

Then stop being naive and/or ignorant about the impact homophobic slurs have

Yes, I agree. I would have removed the phone - but I don’t think it’s right that the wider family is weighing in here, wedding or no wedding.

"generally good kid". Clearly not. I admire your SIL for taking it so seriously

Imagine being at the wedding and someone saying "Where's DS?" and they have to say "He called someone a rude name at school so we didn't let him come".

I would think no wonder the kid is a trouble maker, if the solution chosen by his parents is to dump him somewhere and go on holiday alone instead of dealing with him directly, but each to their own...

Or "where's ds?"
"He's been bullying another child for months, so we didn't let him come"

Maybe there's more to it than the OP is aware of.

Absolutely agree.

More parents should be like your DB & SIL.

You sound like you’re blaming SIL and your poor DH is going along with her. Maybe they are united in their teenager who should know better being a bully and want to make sure he never forgets his actions have consequences. It’s pathetic taking his phone away or grounding him. This has a real impact on his life just like what him and his gang of mates had on their victim. Stop trying to defend him by saying his punishments to harsh and he actually fancies his victim, it’s pathetic.

Finally and most importantly, it’s none of your fucking business how someone else parents their child, regardless of your family connection.

Would you think it too harsh a punishment if it was your daughter some little shit was tormenting at school?

I’m with SIL and your brother here

you should butt out of it not your child

My only comment is that when I was a teenage boy no way would I have considered NOT being taken to a family wedding as any sort of punishment. Quite the reverse.

They are punishing the bride and groom as well as their son.

yes needs harsh discipline and I understand dad backing up mum but it sounds like a knee jerk punishment, as in not thought through just pick the first thing that comes to mind that they know will really hurt him.

It’s not too difficult to say they have reviewed and the only reason he’s going is because they don’t want to impact a wedding. But he is going to lose his phone, social media access (which includes most gaming consoles) grounded. I’d also look for him to volunteer somewhere so he can see how privaledged he is/donate his spending money to a charity that supports bullied children. He needs education around what’s he’s done and to see the impact of his words