To think my SIL is over the top for this?

It doesn't matter what you think - he's not your son. It is down to his parents to hand down whatever punishment they seem fit.

As someone who was bullied relentlessly at school, good for your SIL. He might now learn he can’t do things like that

Personally?
Punishment doesn't match the crime here.
Miss a hobby/socialising with his friends/tech/grounding etc - fair
One off family event - not fair

I would get him to do a research project on eating disorders in teenager and a SBI (situation, behaviour, impact) and then write an apology letter.

Ultimately her/thier children though and brother is backing/united front. Family as upset as they are don't really get a say.

Personally i would make him stand outside the school with a board that says I'm a bully morning and evening that would make him think about picking on someone and give him a taste of how it feels. Not going on holiday dosent show him anything

I had nasty things said to me at school and did end up with an eating disorder. My first reaction was well done to your sister in law, but in reflection a family wedding will promote a healthy view on relationship, love and respect. I would really be highlighting this to your nephew. . A letter is a tricky thing, she might be really embarrassed , but it does sound a good thing for him to do, but I'm still unsure who benefits.
discussing the impact of his actions with a few family members with whom he respects might be beneficial, he's still young himself and needs to know just being there and not standing up to friends is joining in .
My boy's are now in their 20s, I've had to pull them up several times on comments, it's on-going. Good luck

Agreed!

It's absolutely shit and lazy parenting to punish other people for your child's misdeeds. The two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other. What would SIL and her DH do if the wedding and/or holiday wasn't happening? They'd have to come up with something that didn't impact innocent bystanders, so whatever that would be in this case, is what they should do.

If it was just a normal family holiday, then leaving him behind might be an option, but seeing as it impacts other people (the engaged couple), then it shouldn't even be a consideration.

Plus, she paid half for the costs but my sister and her husband to be paid the rest. So it's not only the event, but also money she's wasting really

In your sister's shoes, I'd be absolutely livid that you were using my wedding as a means of punishing your child, because in the end, he's unlikely to care, and quite frankly, I wouldn't want you there either if you think my wedding day is something that can be weaponised. I'd also make you reimburse me for all the money I'd outlaid for you.

As the mother of a child who has been bullied relentlessly with parents who do nothing I think your SIL sounds brilliant and he won’t do it again.

I would be very sad if my niece missed something like this. I think some people have very stereotypical views on teens in this country and can’t understand the impact on close families.

We are a close family. My teens would have been devastated to miss this. They are at uni now and would be gutted even now.

I've been the girl in this situation. I'd be devastated if I thought it meant some stupid but otherwise OK boy in my class was being punished in a way that affected others that badly.

A hand-written apology would be so much more meaningful. And why did the school NOT punish further? Was it only a recent thing or go on for a couple of days or has it happened since September? If it were the latter it would've been dealt with before then. I suspect it was a week or so of (still nasty) thoughtless teasing. If the boys weren't suspended then the school clearly thought it was only worth a telling off or a school detention.

Your SIL will have to deal with the breakdown of the lovely relationship she apparently has with a kid who sounds pretty decent to me. I'd point out that he may never forgive her for not letting him attend his aunt's wedding - and neither will the family. If she wants to be hated for evermore then she's going about it the right way.

I had a student be this dumb once. We dealt with it and the students concerned had to apologize and got a School Detention from me for it. While some of the students' parents complained about my Draconian measures over a bit of fun, this student's Dad insisted on a Video Chat to discuss how poorly his son had behaved and how he was planning to further punish him because he thought his behaviour was abhorrent. The student hadn't been the main instigator so I told the Dad I thought he'd learnt his lesson. Dad took away X-Box etc. Which even he saw as enough. Your SIL is way over the top to the point I wouldn't be surprised if the school reported it as emotional abuse if she goes ahead.

Agreed.

I can’t see my 21y boy doing this. But if he did, I would be absolutely furious. I am sure that he would be absolutely mortified too after and hate himself. We would come up with a punishment. But I know our intense disapproval and his own remorse would be significant and probably ‘enough’ His sister would kill him too.

Every kid is different of course.

I would not ruin a big family event and upset the bride and groom over this. No way. There is more than one way to teach a lesson.

You're making things up now, I read and understood her post and that was not what she meant. She was very clear her nephew and the boys were wrong and should be punished but somehow you're trying to paint the picture that she thinks it's ok because they fancy her when she never said that.

I definitely agree with the SIL's stance to punish him because he was wrong but I would probably not use the wedding because it is a family event and just brings more drama and attention and now involve the bride and other people etc. I

would find another appropriate punishment.

I don't think it was a one off and they are a group really awful behaviour

Shes ever so right but might change her mind before the time.
The amount of guilt and unhappiness she must feel .

You can have an opinion but you don’t have a say. Keep your nose out of their business!

I am not sure why it is so terrible to call a girl butch when other people are celebrating young females being 'non-binary' and having healthy breasts removed.

This is not saying that I think boys should go round calling girls names. But really the problem is part of something much larger. Society doesn't celebrate butch lesbians, but only Taylor Swift lookalikes. Sadly the preferred slution for many young women now is to opt for saying they are trans. If the young woman had claimed it was transphobic bullying, the school would certainly have come down on him a lot harder.

QFT. What he did was nasty and what is most needed here is some kind of genuine apology to the girl. A handwritten note that shows remorse and the ability to admit you are wrong is going to be a much better life lesson than being banned from a holiday.

Agree with this! Typical double standards.

Complete bullshit

I think saying sorry to the girl and promising to not do it again is good enough. This severe punishment seems really over the top. What a shame he'll miss the holiday and wedding, he won't be in any of the photos either.

If another family member has covered half the cost for him to attend, if the parents stop him coming I'd be charging them for the entire amount for him that's been wasted. Sounds like they just want a child free holiday for themselves tbh 🤷‍♀️

its obviously EXTREME but- its helluvaa wake up call for him. What if he decides the bride could of lost couple of lbs?...or waxed her top lip? pre big day?
She KNOWS her son.
be 100% more effective if eeeeeeeven if everybody thinks is ott they bite tongue n support her.ESPECIALLY cos bro is step up.
actions=consequences.THATS TOUGH
Commenting ,negatively -particularly directly at target is brutal . in wee gang of merry men adds to that considerably. ive got 2 ds.ones 28 nd NEVER woulda got self in situation...others 14...and no track record similar...but i wouldnt rule anything out with him,hes not as "grown up" as he needs to be yet.
stick a hand rit note up your bum.whatsat gony do???
There is literally NOTHING that will undo the impact.the damage is 100% done.
School is a shitshow. id make sure they know that
Regardless s to the girls sexuality-or even if they didnt make it up n she is butch.hell,even if she bees butch on purpose.....its nasty.
alternatively they could pull fight fire with (immature\cruel\vengence)shave his eyebrows off,provide frilly dress and heels for the big day.
would that be easier?
Generally good kid is not on balance with the onetime he really husni been.thats not how the world works.
tough. sorry.but totl tough
hnd write his aunty full polgy n request some sorta "live feed"(tht he prob little/no intrest in nywy)but sorta respectful.which hes needing to polish.

Regardless whether she is over the top or not this is none of your business.

You would be well advised to keep your opinion to yourself and certainly don’t drag your brother in the middle against his wife and the mother of his child.

@babyOnly it’s called “having an opinion”. You may not be aware, but this is allowed.