To think my SIL is over the top for this?

You do realise them "fancying her" and bullying her is mysogonistic I don't know why you are focusing on how attractive a teenage girl is and other teenagers reaction to her are you trying to come across as cool aunty or something?

Yes. If more parents were like this, school would be a much better place for everyone.

Perhaps she was bullied at school and knows what it is like.

Good for your SIL! School can be a horrible place for some kids, and those kids who suffered grow up never forgetting what they went through. It's just unfortunate that it's your sisters wedding.

Based on what you've said I would also want to come down very hard on this but also wouldn't have picked this unrelated punishment that alienates him from his family and likely drives a wedge between mother and son in a way that is likely to do more harm than good.

THAT SAID I would also recognise that I am not his parent and this is not abuse of a child so it is therefore none of my business and I have no right to a say.

I'm with your SIL on this. Finally a woman who's taking a zero tolerance approach to misogyny. Good on her.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. For all you know there is a way bigger back story. I think fair do’s for calling him out on this and actually parenting him. Rather than them moaning at the school which often seems to happen these days

She‘s right to be tough. The problem with this punishment is that it also negatively affects other people - people who had nothing to do with the situation.

It‘s the wrong punishment. But I’m afraid it’s also her call to make as a parent.

Also - are you sure the name calling is the full story? For all you know, he could’ve done something worse along with it, and begged his parents not to tell the wider family?

Personally I’m not sure it follows as a cause-and-effect punishment, but I sure as shit wouldn’t be interfering with this as a wider member of the family. Clearly it’s important to your SIL and brother that their son grows up to be a decent human, so good on them.

What he will take away from this most likely is that women/females/mothers are horrible.

Probably but he's already demonstrated he has some fairly misogynistic ideas about women so blaming a woman for the consequences of his actions would be consistent.

Perhaps if women were just nicer to misogynists they'd respect us. 🤦

I'll get chastised for this but, did the girl even mind being called 'butchy butch'? I'm a lesbian, have been in queer circles for decades and I've never known anyone feel insulted by it. Most I know and have known take it as a compliment.
I agree it is not the right punishment. It is punishing other peopel for a start.

OP, this is none of your business. Your SIL is privy to things you are not.

You seem to have very little sympathy for this bullied girl and seem to be trying to justify it.

Mind your own business and learn to support women and girls.

Maybe he’s generally been a good kid up to now BECAUSE your SIL’s boundaries have been so firm.

I’m with her

Can't imagine he'd be that bothered about missing his auntie's wedding? Not many teenagers would care about that so I can't see that being much of a consequence.

Well ....I think you should see that's it's not your business. I'd have taken the one thing that he was really looking forward to/really wanted and made him write a letter and volunteer/donate to with domestic violence charity. If the thing he was most looking forward to was the family holiday that's what would have gone.

Naaas too far.
She is right and I admire her commitment to teaching him a lesson but the punishment needs to fit the crime

Like you said he's generally a good lad so this seems way too much.

Maybe she just wants a holiday without him to be honest

Hand written note seems an appointment response and to be warned if he does this or similar again he can kiss goodbye to something he loves or enjoys

It's up to your SIL and brother to decide how to discipline their son. Your Sister will still be getting married whether he's there or not.

The family is free to think the punishment is heavy handed but, providing the punishment is not abusive, they should stay out of it and not undermine the parents.

Your SIL is correct to be appalled but banning him from a family wedding and upsetting the wider family is wrong.

She needs telling of this firmly and kindly, that she has really upset the family with her choice of punishment.

He is a pup and nice teens do not do this.
So he needs consequences that impact his teen life. The phone, wifi off etc., no out late with friends, will have a far greater affect.

My daughters friend got drunk and her parents took her phone for a month. My daughter described it as "inhumane"😁
THAT is a punishment, not causing family upset at a family weeding.

Butch sounds like a slur so I would be very, very upset about it.
Your SIL sounds decent, so have a chat with her.

Honestly, I think this is the wrong punishment for the crime. I'd be livid if it was my boy and also sad. A properly written letter of apology to the girl and removal of elactronics for the rest of his life, yes.

At least he should learn his lesson. Well done SIL👏🏼

The punishment has no bearing on what he did.

He could write a letter of apology to the girl, take it her and apologise to both her and her parents.

He could donate his spends to a mental health charity

He could volunteer at a mental health charity shop

Parents need to look in to whether they were insinuating she was a lesbian and if they were he can donate to a lesbian charity and look at his potential homophobic remarks. He does not want to be labelled homophobic at such an early age - this might knock some sense in to him.

There are so many proactive ‘restorative justice’ things he could do rather than a knee jerk -‘ your not coming on holiday’

He is a kid at the end of the day - and they can be little arseholes. It’s how you deal with it and hopefully they learn something from it.

What he will take away from this most likely is that women/females/mothers are horrible.

When a woman is killed every 3 days by a man in the uk I would consider that a hate crime too 🤷‍♀️

I would stay out of it, it's none of your business how your brother and his wife choose to punish their child. What he did was nasty and unpleasant and I don't blame his parents for coming down on him hard. It's not the punishment you would have chosen (nor would I as it happens) but so what? This is what they have chosen to do and you just have to accept that.

I agree that a slap on the wrists isn't enough.

But being kept away from a wedding is too much and punishing others too.