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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my SIL is over the top for this?

337 replies

killingpeeve · 28/06/2024 08:57

In short, my nephew has been found, alongside a few other boys, to be calling a girl 'butchy' butch. This is their nickname for her and they found it hilarious to call her this. SIL was called into the school by head of year. The boys got nothing but a slap on the wrist, in reality. We suspect because they're all Set 1 (top set) and still in process of doing their mocks.

SIL says this is not enough. And she is punishing my nephew by saying he isn't coming on the family holiday - Which is also the wedding of my sister.

BIL is backing her.

AIBU to think this is too much? By all means yes, the school have been to soft here as a consequence. But, surely this is too much?

It means missing his aunt getting married. She is really upset and cried on the phone to me about this.

Knowing SIL, she is very likely to follow through.

It would mean him staying with his nan. And she would continue onto the holiday as planned with BIL

High chance she will see this thread of course. But the family is really upset. It's a wedding.

OP posts:
katepilar · 28/06/2024 10:08

It sounds like noone really knows how to address the bullying issue. The punishment of not going to the wedding and holiday isnt going the boy to really realize what he had done and what consequences it might have on the girl. Its just his mother exercising her power and expressing her anger. Not sure what does this teach the child.

summersofdoom · 28/06/2024 10:06

Has anyone even thought to wonder if the teen not going to a family wedding is even a punishment for him?

Most MN posters seem to think being invited to a wedding is the worst thing that can happen to mankind.

Is staying with lenient nan instead of going away with pissed off parents who will keep under a strict and firm hand, is that even a punishment?

The whole thing is not proportionate, and the completely wrong punishment frankly.

Thudercatsrule · 28/06/2024 10:06

Totally over the top and if she goes through with it she'll cause irreparable damage.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 28/06/2024 10:05

YANBU, OP. He should have his phone taken away/no gaming until the wedding or whatever. This will have repercussions for ages, rather than be punished, learn lesson, move on.

killingpeeve · 28/06/2024 10:04

@Mrsjayy those reasons that are most likely behind it don't excuse the behaviour of minimise it.

They aren't the same thing

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 28/06/2024 10:03

Poolstream · 28/06/2024 09:52

I agree.
However she’s punishing the bride and groom too.

They'll have worse before they die.

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2024 10:02

killingpeeve · 28/06/2024 09:48

I have said, more than once on this thread, it's misogynistic.

I have also said a more serious punishment was needed by the school. And a serious punishment at home too.

But you keep harking back at how attractive she is and how unreachable she is and using it as an excuse for boys calling her names and mistreating her .

MotherFeministWoman · 28/06/2024 10:02

CultOfRamen · 28/06/2024 09:11

Why is bullying a lesbian girl worse than bullying a heterosexual one?

what he’s said is awful regardless of her sexuality

Straight girls can be the recipients of homophobic bullying.

killingpeeve · 28/06/2024 10:01

Exactly. She's repeatedly said the girl is attractive and they must fancy her to minimise what they've been doing.

I'm not minimising it ffs. I've said so many times it's misogyny and needs a harsh response

I haven't once suggested otherwise. But keeping him away from a family holiday and wedding, that's already been paid for, is wrong. It impacts the poor bride and groom who want him there, and all the family who want him there

He would be the only one not there and I don't think it's right that we look back at those pictures knowing he wasn't there

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/06/2024 10:01

Wormfanclub · 28/06/2024 09:51

A whole group of boys name-calling this girl is disgusting. Guaranteed she will remember it for the rest of her life. She’ll probably be talking about it to her therapist in ten years time.

I don’t think the punishment is too harsh. Your sister will survive getting married without her teen nephew there.

We are generally quite gentle parents, not strict about schoolwork, tidying etc. But kindness to others is the ONE thing we come down hard on.

Your sister is trying to shape her son into someone who is kind and considerate. There’s not really anything more important than that. It doesn’t matter a jot if he’s in top set, a good teen etc. That’s a load of crap. I’d rather a teen that was middle set and went to house parties, if they were kind to a fault. Maybe your sister has the same outlook.

Me too.

killingpeeve · 28/06/2024 09:59

@Flopsythebunny no, I'm not making excuses. That reply was in response to a poster about what the girl might be like, and I explained what I knew about her from what I'd seen

It is not an excuse and doesn't excuse the behaviour.

OP posts:
3DayStockpiler · 28/06/2024 09:59

It does need dealing with more seriously than the school has done. However, holidays are relaxed times for relationship building and if she and her partner havestruggled to pass their values on to him so far, this is another good opportunity for lots of casual conversation in the matter.
I think this might be more successful than alienating the boy.

user1984778379202 · 28/06/2024 09:58

Flopsythebunny · 28/06/2024 09:57

She's making excuses

Exactly. She's repeatedly said the girl is attractive and they must fancy her to minimise what they've been doing.

keylimedog · 28/06/2024 09:58

I actually am really impressed with her for being so firm!

That sort of "it's obvious they just fancy her and don't know what to do because they can't have her" is just a ridiculous thing to say, it's sounding like an excuse for his behaviour. So what if she's pretty and well built. What would the excuse be if she wasn't? "Oh they're just boys being boys"

A group of 15 year old boys spreading and assigning rude nicknames can be really hurtful, especially to a 15 year old girl having a group of boys calling her butch.

They're 15 not 4!! They can fully understand consequences not related to the immediate incident

Wormfanclub · 28/06/2024 09:58

Mistymountain · 28/06/2024 09:55

He's 15 not 5, the punishment doesn't have to be related to what he did. It's up to your SIL and brother, they know their son best, I think the rest of the family should keep out of it.

Yeah this is a good point. Rest of the family should stay out of it anyway. Interfering and annoying.

Flopsythebunny · 28/06/2024 09:57

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 28/06/2024 09:55

She's giving context Hmm

She's making excuses

Flopsythebunny · 28/06/2024 09:56

Your SIL is fabulous.
Your nephew needs teaching a hard lesson.
Why are you just blaming your SIL when your brother agrees with the punishment?

SpikyCoconut · 28/06/2024 09:56

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/06/2024 09:53

You might not mind, as an adult, and I know it isn’t an insult in queer circles, but this is a fit, sporty teenage girl very obviously being insulted by jealous boys.

I understand that, I'm referring to decades of experiences of me, my friends in different circles, people i speak to online etc, beginning in primary school.. I've never known it be an insult. I can see how it potentially could be, I've just never known of it.

Mistymountain · 28/06/2024 09:55

He's 15 not 5, the punishment doesn't have to be related to what he did. It's up to your SIL and brother, they know their son best, I think the rest of the family should keep out of it.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 28/06/2024 09:55

user1984778379202 · 28/06/2024 09:48

I also sincerely don't hope you have daughters, OP.

'Don't worry about those boys bullying you and making your life hell, darling daughter, they're only doing it because they fancy you! Isn't that great! You're such a lucky girl that they're interested!'

🙄

She's giving context Hmm

ACynicalDad · 28/06/2024 09:55

I think she's right to punish him severely, but perhaps given the rest of the family dynamics it's the wrong one. Perhaps add in an extra long weekend this summer and take his siblings (if any) and not him, or work out a mechanism for him to earn it back over several weeks, including a direct apology to the girl. But if all parents were on top of things like this and gave a f* the world would be a better place for it.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/06/2024 09:55

Alwaystired23 · 28/06/2024 09:50

To be honest, I actually admire her for this. Finally, a parent who is teaching her child being a nasty bully has consequences. There was a recent photo of my son shared in snap chat, saying he was a rapist (he's 12). The other parent was "opps, sorry." My dc could have had really horrible consequences after this. I also got called giant haystacks and cubby chucker and the fat boys by ex twat of a partner. Not nice.

That’s awful, people are vile.

Doingmybest12 · 28/06/2024 09:54

She's not over the top to be concerned about his attitude to girls at school. The punishment doesn't fit with what has happened.

lazyarse123 · 28/06/2024 09:54

I agree with most posters that he needs proper sanctions but missing a family wedding isn't it.
When my son was about 9 he and some friends bullied a poor boy who had a shocking home life. We were called into school as soon as it happened and school took break time away from them for two weeks, I also grounded him for the same period (no such thing as gaming or phones in those days). One of his friends actually said to me "me and my mum think it's a harsh punishment". well I don't think it's harsh enough because what you've all done is awful.
My son never did it again he was mortified at what he'd done and hadn't realised the consequences to the boy on the receiving end of this shit.
Sorry bit of a rant but I sometimes wonder what happened to the boy as he left the school and no one saw him again.

user1984778379202 · 28/06/2024 09:54

killingpeeve · 28/06/2024 09:52

Don't worry about those boys bullying you and making your life hell, darling daughter, they're only doing it because they fancy you! Isn't that great! You're such a lucky girl that they're interested!'

Not sure why you have that idea. I have said more than once it's misogyny and needs coming down hard on both at school and home.

That response about the girls success and looks was in response to a poster asking if she was in fact a butch lesbian (not my words), because she herself is one and never found that offensive

You're still being an apologist for your bully nephew though. That because the girl is attractive, the name-calling doesn't count and won't hurt her. Yet your SIL mentioned her being vulnerable, suggesting there is a back story you aren't privy to.

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