AIBU to have told my friend about my concerns over her husband

So you didn’t report to anyone other than your friend?

That has really shocked me.

@WitchyWay I stroked my children, rubbed their backs, patted their bums, tickled and rubbed their bellies. That is a normal parental relationship with lots of physical affection. How weird to claim otherwise.

None of us knows whether the touching the OP saw falls into this category or not (because OP won't tell us). But of course touching/rubbing/stroking are normal between parents and young children.

You can't genuinely think the kids are are at risk and also not have reported this to anyone for 2 years.

If you have witnessed something then report it and let the authorities investigate and decide on appropriate action.

But of course you're not getting your friend back.

YABU.

If you felt it was concerning then you should’ve reported it to social services. If you didn’t then what is there to gain? A paedophile isn’t suddenly going to change behaviour because you tell their wife you think they’re inappropriate.

If you’re worried you report. It’s that simple.

How on earth could you think you’d keep your friend after telling her that?

You may be right. You may be wrong. You’re not getting your friend back ever. You’ve not protected the children if they need it.
The correct thing to do is alert social services and let them investigate.

Your 'intuition' is telling you something is wrong? Yet he's not done anything wrong?

And it was 2 years ago..... you lost your friend, so you are actually clueless as to what's been happening

You did the right thing, your friend didn’t. Apparently a lot of mothers are “blind” to issues like this because of the fallout.

I’ve done similar and lost most of my family over it, but absolutely know I did the right thing. Children need safe adults looking out for them and it would have at least made the mum conscious of it.

See, in my eyes, she was letting her friend know that his behaviour isn't normal. Sometimes when you've been together a long time, or if you're normalised to something, it can be hard to know what's normal/acceptable and what isn't.

If someone told me something similar, I would absolutely be telling my partner not to do that, that it's giving people the wrong idea. And after reflecting, I would also talk to my girls to make sure there is nothing untowards happening and that they're happy.

I really don't understand people who get defensive about this. I've been with my husband 20 years and I'd be shocked to think anyone thought he was abusive in anyway, but equally, I will defend my kids to the earth and if there was any risk that they were being abused, I would absolutely be rethinking the situation and making some changes. Even without proof.

No rubbing of young children is normal. None. That doesn't mean he knows it looks perverted, but equally it won't cost him to stop doing it.

Too many women choose men over children.

YANBU
You felt strongly enough to speak to her about it..you did the right thing in my view. There is loads of married peadophiles out there and some women are in deep denial...
I don't think you will get your friend back..only thing I can suggest is Sarahs law check but it only works if he has a record

All of this is irrelevant now. You haven't seen any of them for two years and after an accusation like that you never will.

You witnessed, what you felt was, inappropriate touching.

You spoke to several other people about this.

You then spoke to the kids mum about this.

At no point have you reported it to anyone who could investigate.

From your behaviour it seems like you just wanted to gossip about this guy and not protect anyone from anything tbh.

If I had genuine concerns I would have reported to SS and not uttered a word to anyone else.

This is 2 years ago!

If you were that concerned you would have gone straight to police or social services.

Not only did you accuse your friends husband of being an inappropriate with his own daughters you also discussed it with others, the friendship is over.

If your concerns were that great you should have contacted social services.

You’ve accused your friend’s husband of “sort of” sexually abusing their children. To your friend. And you really thought she’d get over that? That if enough time passed she’d come over to your way of thinking? Whether he is or isn’t, that’s really quite naive of you.

FWIW, seeing as you don’t think it’s serious enough to call the NSPCC for advice even, I might well have assumed you were a twisted shit stirrer in your friend’s position.

Without knowing exactly what happened who can say. You need more then bad vibes to make accusations like this. If all that has happened is what you said here no, you will never get your friend back.

You accused her husband of being a paedophile, you aren't getting your friend back.

I mean I get it tbh, your clearly a good person who doesn't feel they've seen enough to report anything but enough to be concerned.

Your just a good person trying to protect innocent kids. I'm not gonna berate you for that.

What a horrible place to be in OP. You've done all you can in the circumstances. I mean you could report it to social services and the kids can be spoken to a school if needs be to check they are safe, it's probably what I would do tbh.

So you haven't seen him touch the children in an inappropriate place, you have bad vibes.?

So would you think the same if it was your friend? Because it is a massive issue to raise a concern like this without proof of more than bad vibes.

It's been two years, you're not getting your friend back.

2 years?

So this all blew up 2 years ago? You're not getting your friend back.

But what happened for you to say something?

I think ‘very concerning touching’ is probably one for SS, to be honest.

You can let them be the judge - call them, Anonymously if you want, and tell them what you think. Their bar for action is very high (sadly), so if the friendship is over anyway you have nothing to lose.