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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel royally pissed off by H comment

112 replies

PickUpAPenguinn · 27/06/2024 19:07

I finally got enough evidence from various referrals to state that DS5 meets threshold for extra support beyond what the school is providing. And the school agreed to support the EHC application today in our meeting. The school tell me today that due to getting final report that says DS meets threshold - that they would hope we are successful in an EHC application

I have spent years doing referrals, school meetings, coping when DS wasn't able to go to nursery. It's so slow and frustrating. He's still on two waiting lists. I've got him private speech and language etc etc.

Anyway, today I came home to say we had this breakthrough that I had everything we needed and school support.

H has never been to a meeting. Doesn't understand or care to understand the process. He's just about understood what an EHC is but barely. He doesn't know what's going on!!

I work longer hours than H by the way.

H said to me tonight that it was good news and "great you've done this but also we need to stop outsourcing parenting by filling in forms to get other people to help. We need to teach DS how to interact with people, catch him up with his reading, in a way - we need to stop being lazy parents and do it ourselves and stop relying on forms and funding"

I said I didn't feel lazy at all and I've spent many evenings and hours on this stuff. And I do help DS myself too but I finish work at 5, pick DS up, then v hard to squeeze in lots of extra reading as he's got SEN and he's just been at school for 9 hours and he's 5 - so dinner, telly, bed, bath, book, bed - feels like enough!

H said I'm being defensive. I do get his point. Maybe I need to do more myself and not rely on school. But I felt so happy today I've finally got all the necessary evidence, school support etc and I just thought H would be happier.

Am I being overly sensitive? I'm exhausted and its hot so v possible!

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 29/06/2024 18:59

I'd wipe the floor with him. Bloody twat.

Purpleday1 · 29/06/2024 18:53

Is he 100% involved in everything regarding your child?
If he isn't, why do you think he will suddenly start?
Just because he says he will 50%, doesn't mean he will.
Selfish arseholes say they will, but reality is vastly different.
They start off all gungho, meet someone else and suddenly you have every other weekend.
Words are cheap and easy.
The hard grind of caring for children is vastly different.

Original poster
PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 18:52

What the hell am I going to do?? I've thought he was a bit of an arse for a long time but week after week he shows less and less respect and its nastier to me - and as it's clearer each month that my son's needs are pretty high and the school are taking it all v seriously - and it's become apparent H is going to try to dictate with no knowledge, no effort, no empathy. Feel so stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 18:43

He's not clocked out. He thinks he's dad of the Year. Hence lecturing me that I'm "outsourcing" parenting by focus on EHCP and school so much. He will 100% NOT be absent if we split - not for a v long time anyway - but he will struggle to cope but he would never admit that. Hence worrying my DC will bear the brunt of that - a proud, bitter man who thinks he's knows best.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 29/06/2024 18:38

I don’t think you should worry about your DC having 2 homes; he doesn’t strike me to be a person who’d parent when he has to.

Comtesse · 29/06/2024 18:26

What a nasty toad he is. Plus thick as 2 short planks.

DaggerIsle · 29/06/2024 18:14

Basically he's telling you that he will not lift one finger to help with his own child and will use you as a scapegoat for everything.
He can say he is a lazy parent because he is. He's adding you to that to make himself look good.

Denying ear defenders is shocking though- just get them. Poor child.

DrBlackbird · 29/06/2024 18:12

I’m so sorry that you’re DH is a horrible gas lighting man child. It seems so many of them are so you’re not alone with that.

More importantly, absolutely fantastic news @PickUpAPenguinn that you’ve worked so hard to support your DS! 🎉🎉🎉 He’s so lucky to have you fighting his corner! I’ve been there and done that and it’s a long hard battle but you’ve done the right thing by your child. Thank goodness he has you as his mum. He’s very lucky.

When he’s older, you’ll have to think about how to set boundaries with your self centred DH (dick head) as you won’t want your DS to think that’s normal or respectful behaviour. And be sensible about your finances. In the meantime, we of MN salute you for being behind your DS.

pikkumyy77 · 29/06/2024 17:48

Good god! You really have to kick this asshole to the curb on behalf of all the women in the world

Olenna Tyrell Meme GIF
Phineyj · 29/06/2024 17:48

I have just secured an EHCP. It took 2 years and I was beginning to feel I had a second job.

DH hasn't done much to help but he's been supportive and grateful. He certainly hasn't got in the way

You are just at the beginning of a hard 1-2 years (sorry).

I'm not sure you've got time to carry a passenger as well. Your husband is supposed to have your back.

Mirabai · 29/06/2024 17:48

Let him do it if he’s so keen.

Purpleday1 · 29/06/2024 17:34

Get legal advice.
Talk to your GP about his abuse.
Get yourself organised.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
Detach emotionally.
Even a hint of aggression, involve the police.
Start journalism his emotional abuse of you.
Better for your children to be in to two homes that 100% with a vile arsehole.
Pricks like him won't want to parent.
Bet he will be a BMD (bare minimum dad) despite what he will threaten.

adriftinadenofvipers · 29/06/2024 17:28

Oh god just caught up on your other posts - the man's a walking cunt. I'd have flung the poo right at him, bastard.

I don't think this excuse of a father who want to take much responsibility for his kids single-handedly seeing as he doesn't do much now when there's two of you. This man is horrible. I feel for you x

adriftinadenofvipers · 29/06/2024 17:24

Tell him to go and fuck himself!! And that he is the one who needs to be massively stepping up as you're the one that's been putting in all the legwork and getting obviously much-needed interventions in place.

Is he totally bloody stupid?!

Aria999 · 29/06/2024 17:21

PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 17:01

The dog is a friends dog. He doesnt really want to look after the dog (he loves dogs generally) so I guess he was saying "not my problem" because I'm the one who said yes to the dog. But I'm only the one who said yes but he doesn't reply or get involved in anything. He just seems to take pleasure in those moments. Even when we got in the car and I was sat in the back dealing with the kids and he looked in the car mirror and said "kids, I can't reverse because all I can see is your mother's massive face". It all just makes me feel horrible.

I'm afraid I did pick up the dog poo!

I said to him quietly as I picked it up next to his foot "you're acting like a real arsehole" and he said "good job I'm not one then eh".

I'm not reliant on him financially. Its the other way round. I just don't want my SN kid to have two homes. I don't think he'd cope.

Oh my goodness that is incredibly unkind and unnecessary. It made me feel so sad for you 😢

He sounds horrible in general and horrible to you in particular.

I'm not sure the kids would need to spend much time with him if you split as it doesn't sound like he would be very interested in the work involved caring for them?

Or is he the type who would insist on contact to be annoying and then forget to feed them?

WishfulThunking · 29/06/2024 17:10

PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 15:59

Thanks for all your comments. I feel really bloody sad today! H has continued to be fairly dismissive of the EHCP progress and telling me lots about being a "weak woman" when I let DS do certain things.

And then today, we are looking after a dog for a friend, and it did a poo in the park while H had him on thr lead. And H stood there pointing as the shit shouting "penguin, penguin" with a smirk on his face, to tell me to come over to pick it up, and I saw a random woman see this interaction and I saw her look at me with pity

I think I might be married to a bully.

Wow! 😢

what does he do to help your DS? And well done - battling the system is bloody hard work and it never stops x

Purplepeoniesdroppingpetals · 29/06/2024 17:04

Oh that’s horrible for you to live with. Your Sen kids need a happy mum and he doesn’t sound like he likes you. I’m sorry.

Original poster
PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 17:01

The dog is a friends dog. He doesnt really want to look after the dog (he loves dogs generally) so I guess he was saying "not my problem" because I'm the one who said yes to the dog. But I'm only the one who said yes but he doesn't reply or get involved in anything. He just seems to take pleasure in those moments. Even when we got in the car and I was sat in the back dealing with the kids and he looked in the car mirror and said "kids, I can't reverse because all I can see is your mother's massive face". It all just makes me feel horrible.

I'm afraid I did pick up the dog poo!

I said to him quietly as I picked it up next to his foot "you're acting like a real arsehole" and he said "good job I'm not one then eh".

I'm not reliant on him financially. Its the other way round. I just don't want my SN kid to have two homes. I don't think he'd cope.

OP posts:
Icannoteven · 29/06/2024 16:40

He sounds thick. He also sounds as if he isn’t really involved in family life at all, hasn’t taken the slightest bit of time or energy to understand the the needs of the rest of the family yet thinks he gets to have a say in how everything is managed. It sounds like there is no acknowledgement from him about the work you put into everything and your knowledge of the situation. Just criticism of your approach. Sounds like a dickhead.

Purpleday1 · 29/06/2024 16:39

You ARE married to a bully.
An emotionally abusive bully.
What a total arsehole.
Shit husband, shit father.
Do you really need to be married to him?
Life is too short.

Scammersarescum · 29/06/2024 16:36

Well he has both told you and shown you who he is with the dog shit fiasco.

As for his behaviour regarding your son, well it beggars belief.

Hope you can ltb so both you and your child can have a better life

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/06/2024 16:35

You are married to a bully. Plus a complete cunt.

Ugh. Sorry OP.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/06/2024 16:33

Christ almighty what an arsehole. SN mum here and single parenting has been the best thing that has happened in terms of caring for my son. My ex was useless too, utterly pathetic, not helped by OW saying that autism didn't exist and it was "attention seeking". This is not what you and your son need. Your husband is an ignorant bully. The ear defenders thing made me rage. Has he got any idea how useful they are and how comforting for children with sensory needs? Ask him how he'd feel if every noise sounded like a bomb going off?

I don't know your circumstances but this would be the end for me. If he's not prepared to learn, do some courses and back you up, then I'd be looking to do that alone.

Serenity45 · 29/06/2024 16:27

YANBU OP and your further posts make him sound worse. He's a nasty little prick. How fucking dare he disrespect and belittle the mother of his child? I have the absolute rage on your behalf (tbf I am peri and it doesn't take much but still)

Happilyobtuse · 29/06/2024 16:22

PickUpAPenguinn · 29/06/2024 15:59

Thanks for all your comments. I feel really bloody sad today! H has continued to be fairly dismissive of the EHCP progress and telling me lots about being a "weak woman" when I let DS do certain things.

And then today, we are looking after a dog for a friend, and it did a poo in the park while H had him on thr lead. And H stood there pointing as the shit shouting "penguin, penguin" with a smirk on his face, to tell me to come over to pick it up, and I saw a random woman see this interaction and I saw her look at me with pity

I think I might be married to a bully.

Why does he think you need to pick up dog shit?! Whose dog is it? Did you offer to watch it and does he think it is nothing to do with him?! Is this his general attitude?! Was he like this with your kids when they were younger and needed diaper changing?!

Like my H is not a dog person, so if I offered to watch anyone’s dog he would say if you agree then it is fully your responsibility as I am just not a dog person and will not take it on. He would refuse any mate saying sorry, Not possible. But he was fully hands on with diaper changing for our kids.