To feel royally pissed off by H comment

He can’t function without you picking up the slack. And you can function better without him gumming up the works.

You really must attend to these panic attacks and the nausea. There is a very ild joke. Man goes to see a psychiatrist who asks him “what’s wrong?” “”nothing, doctor, everything is fine and normal. Im like everyone else. I get up every morning and get ready for work. Throw up. And go out the door.”

It is terrible that you are living under this strain. I feel for you. Your body wants to flee but your brain and heart keep it chained in a house where it is terrified. This creates the panic, the sense of suffocation.

If you have to stay please go get help and try to work out an alternative to the mirning that takes care of you a little better. Maybe listen to music so loudly on headphones that you screen out dh. Or do so much prep the night before that you basically leave before he knows you are gone? Anything you can do to alter the morning routine may reasure your body that you are protecting it.

I expect you fairly often do it all by yourself...?

I’ll pm you

I do know that my situation is having an impact. I've been getting these weird panic spells. They hit me randomly when I'm trying to get everyone ready in the morning for example - I feel really hot, my chest goes tight and I feel SO sick. I've had to run to the loo because the nausea is so bad and I'm gagging. I can only think it's stress or something as it's random and I have nothing else wrong with me seemingly!

You are reaching crisis point. Please go and see your GP as soon as possible. Don't dismiss these warnings because, quite frankly, how are you going to help your child if you have a breakdown? You really think your H won't use it against you every single week to berate and belittle you, or when in talks about child custody? Of course he has spells of being nice or helpful otherwise you wouldn't stay for the abuse he gives you. It is called the cycle of abuse for a reason. (Please look up emotional and/or mental abuse - you,ve documented classic signs).

After you have called your GP, please contact Women's Aid (they have email if you don't have peace/time to call). You now need to be strong for yourself, so you can be strong for your child. It's time to put the oxygen mask on.

OP, I feel for you so much, your situation really resonates for me (hence very long message) and what my son and I have been through with his dad.

I split from my sons dad when he was nearly 3 and have spent 10 years having to pick up the pieces almost every time he comes back from contact for exactly the reasons you have outlined.

My son is probably nd (awaiting the results of Assessment now) and it has been traumatic. Dad has persistently done outrageous things which have attracted social services referrals from various different professionals, where it’s been obvious that I have to take action because my son is suffering to an unacceptable level and dad won’t engage with me I’ve ended up on a couple of occasions withholding contact for a day or two whilst waiting for dad to discuss things sensibly which has resulted in him making multiple applications to court, so we’ve been through that as well. It’s been never-ending, his childhood has been ruined by it. Finally we are out the other side but he is now 15 and has been really severely impacted by it all. There is not a simple answer here, but with the benefit of hindsight, there’s a few things I would say.

if you seek legal advice, I always think when it comes to the family court you will get a more realistic view by talking directly to a barrister rather than a solicitor, I’ve had to work with so many of them, I do have an excellent name if you want to DM me. It’s a lot cheaper than going through a solicitor and also just much better quality advice because they are the ones on the front line.

get professional documented advice to back up exactly what your child needs in terms of parenting/ home environment. the more of a paper trail you have if/when you go to court the better, work with OTs, SEN specialists, any medical needs…whatever. i would be looking to get advice about experiences of family Court from other parents of kids with SEN, try to get as many perspectives as you can

I realise now that my sons dad is actually clearly autistic, and they both exhibit PDA type behaviour, as I’m learning to be more skilful with my son (low demand parenting) I keep reflecting on how those strategies would have helped calm things between us. Dad also probably thought “well, I didn’t have all of this help and I’m right, so why should my son… “ It’s common, that sort of thinking. It’s like having to confront what we weren’t given, we can really bring out the avoidant/belligerent side of people.

Don’t underestimate what a tight spot you are in, dealing with a child with additional needs plus a partner who behaves like that. you can do it and life will be easier at some point but It’s okay to say no to helping other people with their dogs or whatever.

You may or may not decide to separate, my situation was intolerable. One good thing about us separating is my child has at least had half of his life in a home where his needs are met so he has been able to disentangle the two experiences, it’s been so rough, but I did the right thing leaving and my relationship with him has survived (he refuses to see his dad). I just didn’t know what I was walking into and wish someone had told me all of this.

you sound like an excellent mother, give yourself as much cheerleading and support as you can. Next time you have happy news, to celebrate it with someone else first, don’t let him rain on your well deserved parade

Can second TheFormidableMrsC: I struggled to hold my relationship together for the sake of the children. As soon as it was over it was like we all breathed a sigh of relief; they've been so much happier since.

I totally get this. However, in my situation my husband had an affair and left. Literally every routine I put in place was ruined. OW resented the very bones of (2.5 year old) son and was so vile to him she's now subject to an injunction. Ex didn't want to lose his meal ticket partner so he decided to dump son. Our lives were turned upside down overnight. My constantly screaming non sleeping son slept through for the first time ever. His loud, shouty, useless father had had much more of an effect than I'd realised. Being a lone parent has been the absolute best thing for my boy. He's come on in leaps and bounds and at 13 is well supported in mainstream. If you have to do this, you can. You'll be ok

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been in a v similar situation, I really feel for you. I think, as a pp said, you have to accept that your marriage will end, the only question is when. So start planning, work out a strategy, and get some really good RL support. Do not make the mistakes I did, of thinking I could endure it till the dc were grown, and thinking I could make sure our dc weren't affected.

God he talks to you with utter disdain and contempt. I don't know how you can bear him.

I'm so sorry, it's the last thing you need when trying to do the best for your child as well.

What an inadequate man.

What is he doing for your child's future? Does he do the things he mentioned?
To me what he said would have been the pie in the face moment for me.

You can go two ways one hand him a reading book daily tell him ds needs to practice reading or you can divorce the cunt he won't cope with his own child and will hopefully see him less and less (my ex did this as did a few other sen parents when they split) eventually the one that does the most work gets to continue doing the most work (shocker) but they do it without the input of the other parent

Really, @Cherry8809, @Screamingabdabz? Have you not read OP's posts? This is a man who won't even pick up dog poo if he can delegate it to his wife, let alone get hands on with challenging parenting.

This.

Don’t think that what he says now is the real him. He may pose as dad of the year but he will abandon it when its unrewarding and unremarked.

I’m not surprised you’re upset, I get it totally, my DS is a similar age and autistic and school have just agreed that we’ll go for an EHCP after multiple meetings, me chasing various things and pushing for things to have in place - I was over the moon about it. Thankfully my DH appreciates it and says nice things like “I don’t know how you do it, I could never have done all that.”

Honestly he is being a dick. Tell him he can do as much extra support at the weekend as he likes, but you obviously need to secure support for when he’s at school! And as for his red line being ear defenders I don’t have the words 🤬 My son wears his whenever he feels the need, because our red line is our son feeling uncomfortable when he has a tool to make his already challenging life a bit easier.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job navigating all the admin stuff and advocating for your son.

He really can get fucked.
You definitely can get divorced at the same time as doing the admin for a SEN child and raising these exhausting little blighters, I'm just coming out the other side and the difference in energy not having the life drained out of you by their dad while you're doing it is notable.
Of course he will say he will be extremely involved after the split, they all do, it's part of the bullying that got you to this point. I only know one woman who's ex has actually staid the distance and kept up a 50:50 split, it's extremely rare with SEN children.

He thinks he’s dad thebof the year because of all you do. Once you’re not there to do it for him he’ll realise it’s not for him

He sounds awful. Don’t worry about your son not coping with two homes when you split up. Men like that will not actively seek custody. They say they will, to everyone, all the time - but it’s just words. He won’t. He doesn’t want it - if he did, he’d be an engaged father now, which he isn’t.
If you’re financially independent I wouldn’t give him a second thought. He’s a nasty bully who doesn’t deserve you.

He sounds like my ex husband. Did absolutely nothing for DC's EHCP. Whenever he spoke to friends it was 'we did this and we did that's. It seriously pissed me off.

Just save yourself wasting your time and get rid.

Also if you are thinking about your kids' welfare remember every time they hear him speak to you like that it's going to hurt them, teach them something unhealthy about relationships, or both.

It would be good to remove them from this awful drip drip drip effect sooner rather than later.

It's going to be exhausting but you have to dig deep and stick to your guns because you are right about what your child needs and your other half is definitely being emotionally abusive. I know it because I have lived it and I recognise the things you are saying. If you can get some sort of counselling for yourself this may help in building up your emotional/ mental resilience to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. I've been recommended to contact women's aid in the past. See if they can help at all

What are you going to do? You’re going to leave him, sooner or later. He shows you contempt, and that’s the death knell to a functioning relationship.

It’s whether you do it sooner or later.

Tbh, as you know he’s going to be an arsehole, and make things difficult, at least you’re forewarned. He already thinks you’re in the wrong when you’re married to each other, so bring unmarried to each other will at least be a relief in that you won’t have to actually deal with him face to face much.

Start planning. You sound organised and capable. Quietly see a solicitor, look at the likely financial implications, and so on. At least you’ll have the knowledge then.