To not want a relationship with dh's dd

Think I'm in the minority but I'd have lost a lot of respect for him for handing the money over irrespective of whether there had been a gap in money over the years or not.

His daughter, his decision. He says it's a dealbreaker. So unless it's worth ending the relationship for then I'd keep out of it.

There's time yet for her to say you are not invited.

Is dh paying for the wedding? Or is that demand yet ti come?

As others have said, if you do go, smile through gritted teeth, say very little & leave as early as possible.

Best of luck.

He's a high earner and has lavished it on you and your kids, in your words. How long have you been married? How old are your kids? How much do you earn? Have you lucked out on his generosity? Just trying to join the dots here.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

Try and look at it a different way.

Your husband must be so emotionally hurt that his daughter only wants him for money.

He's happy to have "the crumbs " of her love.... don't make it any harder for him.

Go to the wedding and put a brave face on. You're doing it for your lovely husband, not the daughter.

OP please ignore the few PPs painting a new scenario where he neglected her in favour of her sisters and you are jealous of her.

My DH's eldest is exactly like the person you have described, in fact the situation is nearly identical. If you haven't encountered it personally it's hard to believe there isn't a major backstory. But some people are simply entitled grabby manipulative wankers. I'm sure there is a reason dating far further back into their childhoods.

But does 'a reason' excuse everything? Should I let paedophiles into my home as the vast majority were abused themselves as children?

My SD hasn't been back in touch for ages but I know it's always a possibility and I know it will go in a similar way except our finances are very tied up and as I earn a substantial portion I won't allow her hold him to ransom.

I have decided that when they do 'reconcile' I will not be getting involved.

I would, in your shoes, go to the wedding, paint on a smile, stay relatively sober and not stay too late - for your husband.

You either choose to support your husband or you don’t. You say you want your marriage but your husband has made it clear that you accept his daughter or he doesn’t want to be married to you, and good for him. He is allowed to draw his line where he wants and you are allowed to choose which side of it you want to be on. You don’t have the right to control where he puts his line, especially when it comes to his own children.

OP says he didn't spend less on her.
Her behaviour doesn't say 'wounded child'. It says 'entitled, manipulative, coercive person hell bent on grabbing what she can'

He had cancer and she didn't care.

You seem unwilling to accept that some people are just arseholes

Have you never met any arseholes in your life?

You seem to have some sort of personal issue relating perhaps to your own experiences because nothing the OP has said makes her sound jealous in the slightest.

I would question how much someone loved their partner if they were happy about an adult dc behaving the way his dd has.

A spreadsheet?
Demands for money? You do realise adult dc aren't owed money.
Coercive behaviours
Rudeness.

I'd do this. Frame it as supporting your husband not condoning her behavior in your mind.

Hi OP
I totally understand how you feel. However I think you should go to the wedding for your DH.
There is a middle ground between refusing to be near her and welcoming her back.
If I were you I would choose to support DH. She is irrelevant. He is the important one. He wants you there, so you go. He wants to spend time with her, you don't put obstacles in his way. I would be there to pick up the pieces when she pulls another stunt whilst hoping that you never have to.
It's not easy watching someone you love being hurt, supporting them then watching them invite more hurt. Hopefully she will learn to appreciate him and it will be better.

Not to tempt fate - but are you even invited to the wedding ?

There's been many a story on MN about step parents not being invited to weddings

If it's true - and I'm assuming it is as you don't say it's not (and she has a spreadsheet) then isn't that the terrible part?

Op said it’s not true.
You’re making up a false narrative.

Some people are selfish, grasping and nasty. This dd sounds like she falls into this category.
The sad thing is that if her df stood up to her she’d probably behave better.

Advice? Go to the wedding, smile and nod, nod and smile. Or, prepare to divorce. He's had cancer, she's his daughter and he wants to have a relationship with her on whatever terms she is setting. Familial relationships can be complicated, whether or not he is to blame for the split. Don't get in the way of it.

you can go to the wedding for your H and make it clear to him that you are doing this FOR HIM

If she so much as looks at you funny, you CAN and should pull her up on it. "Your father has decided to forgive you for how you treated him when he had cancer, but I'm sorry, i'm not there yet. I wish you well, but that is it. Don't talk to me like I'm lower than you, don't treat me like something you stepped in and we can co-exist."

Why is she hideous ?

A better question would be 'why is she less favoured' ?

Why did he spend more money on her sisters than her ? 🤷‍♀️

If it's true - and I'm assuming it is as you don't say it's not (and she has a spreadsheet) then isn't that the terrible part?

I can't even imagine how awful it would be to go merrily along in life and then you find out your dad bought your sister a house or £50 grands worth of shoes but he didn't get it for you

WHAT IS THE REASON ?

She sounds hideous but you go to the wedding for the sake of your DH.

I couldn't live like he's asking you to do. It would make me miserable to have to pretend and fake things, and to go along with his codependency.

So I'd not be going to the wedding, and I'd probably be ending the relationship if he didn't. I want a man, not a doormat who thinks he can buy happiness. Instead he's buying the poison that will ultimately kill his marriage.

Unless she is violent or abusive, you can manage the occasional visit where you talk about the weather.

if your finances are separate, you can’t do much about how he spends his money.

you have no idea about what happened in the past, that may have made her happy to treat him this way.

his daughter will always come before you, you seem jealous.

so childish to say you aren’t going to the wedding also.