To not want a relationship with dh's dd

I agree with this. She sounds ghastly, but it's just one day. Show up (if you have to) and just be charming.

Then just get on with your lives.

Which if course will be the unvarnished truth. Typical MN . Sometimes younger people are c*nts, sometimes the older person is not actually at fault. Shocking, I know.

YANBU, OP, and in your situation I'd struggle to go with a good grace, but I'd try to do it for my husband.

I do have some (scant) sympathy for his DD as it does strike me that a frequent, unintended consequence of family breakdown is that the NRP's (and I'm assuming your DH was the NRP) relationship with the kids becomes somewhat scheduled and transactional. CM provided at this level, EOW scheduled at these times, holidays split in this way. It's hard to maintain what should be a balanced, loving, reciprocal, constant, accepting relationship with good boundaries if actually you have quite limited time with your DC. The temptation is always not to rock the boat, to make it positive, to treat them and give them what they want - since there is so little time, it all has to be 'quality'. Whereas an 'outstanding' parent is one who isn't afraid to rock the boat when necessary and tell a few home truths when required. It sounds like the DD was used to her father over-compensating when she was growing up and that she hasn't moved on in adulthood from associating him giving her stuff with his love for her. Which if true is not a happy situation for either of them.

I feel sorry for the siblings of this greedy young woman, she's going to milk him until the well runs dry.

Although it's difficult I think you have to simply support your DH. Don't point out that she's only around for what he gives her - he must know this and wish things were different. She sounds vile but she is his daughter.

I can't imagine my husband telling me to come to the wedding or we're done. It would make me feel rather disposable and and a very clear message, that despite these alleged terrible behaviours by his daughter, I'll be dropped like a hot brick of i didn't comply.

I get that he wants you there and I'd be said something like I know DD has been difficult, but I really want you there to support me I'd be more likely to go along with that and attend.

The way it was said, shows who holds the power in this relationship. This is where £££ talks.

I read a number of posts like this from SMs and I struggle to understand how the dads seem unable to assert themselves, with these adult children and their financial demands, if they're really as bad as this.

My sister and I have a big age gap. This means we had vastly different experiences growing up, especially of my dad. My dad spent much more time with my older siblings but they got less material things. By the time I was born, this changed and I had way more stuff, but didn’t see him much. My sister sounds a bit like your step daughter, and my dad still gives her hand outs because she will guilt trip him. Your husband probably won’t change so I think you might just have to accept it. Two siblings can have totally different experiences of the same parents. Maybe there was some financial favouritism, we don’t know her side of the story, but your husband will probably keep handing out the cash for the rest of his life because on some level he feels bad.

Are you sure you’re even invited to the wedding? It’s not a given. Lots of posts on MN where the stepparent isn’t invited, especially if she doesn’t have a relationship with you. So the decision might be taken out of your hands.

I can't understand pp saying don't attend the wedding. Your DH says it's a dealbreaker for your marriage. You say you want to support your husband. So the choice is clear: go to the wedding or get divorced. I fail to see how the latter choice is supporting your husband in any way.

The only reason she's back in contact now is she wants him to pay for her wedding. No doubt she'll cut him off again after the wedding.

If she has kids in the future, they'll be used as weapons in a 'pay per view' scenario.

I wouldn't attend the wedding under any circumstances.

Personally I think there must have been a reason she cut him off and it sounds like that might have something to do with her feeling that he favoured his other children over her?
It's his money and his daughter and his decision and I think if you love him you will put your feelings about her to one side and accept her.
I have a feeling her version of events might be quite different to yours.

When I saw the headline of this thread, I thought you were a bit nasty tbh, but reading your post I feel for you. It’s hard to imagine your dh being taken by such a money obsessed child. He deserves better. I don’t think you can forewarn him unfortunately, you need to keep your finances separate and help him pick up the pieces. He’s being taken advantage off, but it’s his child, so he’s not going to see that unfortunately. Show face, be nice, but be careful.

I don't think I'd want to stay in this marriage, the money grabbing isn't over by a long chalk. If you stay, watch and wait. The first time he refuses her anything she will ghost him again. I'm sorry but I would be so resentful. Good luck.

No answers though. Are you the newish wife with kids in tow, busy using all his cash and occupied with trying to rubbish his daughter?

I know two sisters like this. The older one got married first, the younger one demanded to know exactly how much money dad had paid for the wedding and demanded the same. That's just one example. She was jealous of nieces and nephews if money was spent on them. It was all quite twisted.

Be civil but cool for your husband's sake.

I'm just saying, sounds like you're happy enough pocketing his cash and reaping the rewards for you & yours. Bet you won't leave him over this, the money is too good to leave 😂

Oh god, OP, this is a horrible situation, especially given how happy your DH sounds while you know what’s coming - just waiting for the other shoe to drop. She sounds a nightmare, you sound perfectly sensible and lovely - sip the champers and plaster on that smile during the father of the bride speech, and it will be over reasonably quickly.

Knowing this won’t ever be over must be so wearing, though.

Well at least you know why she has no longer cut him off, she has a wedding that needs paying for.