To not want a relationship with dh's dd

Honestly, suck it up if you love your DH enough. I have adult step kids, adore 1 I look at him the same as our joint children, cant stand the other 2, they actively spent years alongside their mother trying to destroy our relationship. BUT.. at the end of the day they are his kids and of course he wants them in his life. I don't have huge contact with the other 2 ( Neither do they with him - also the mobile bank thing) and I'm often honest with him regarding their behavior however I am not going to lose a marriage over it. If they got married i'd be there with a big smile a fabulous outfit and drink a bucket load of champagne!!

Does he pay for you all of the things he funds dd for or does he expect you to pay your way?

Given that you're his second family and his DD is so financially demanding, I really hope you've both taken some independent legal advice about inheritance planning.

If your DH predeceases you, it seems likely that his DD will try to obtain as much inheritance as possible. If she challenges his will, it could cost you a fortune in legal fees.

I would ltb and get some of the joint money while there is still some left.. Dh is only interested in preserving 1 relationship here and it isn't with you.

I think you have to support your DH. Whatever she has done, she is still DH's DD and he wants her as part of his life and if you want to be with him, part of your life too.

It's none of your business, though. It's up to them how they negotiate their relationship. Maybe things will change over the years - that's normal. Maybe when she's a mum, she'll look back at her previous behaviour and see it in a different light. Maybe the fact that he's stuck by her when she's been less than great will bring them massively closer in the future. Or maybe she'll become so awful that your DH will cut her out.

It's nothing to do with you. Just be supportive to your husband, support him having a relationship with his daughter, and try to find something to like about her, since she's probably going to be in your life for a while.

And if you really can't do that, end the marriage.

There’s no win/ win situation here .

You need to decide what’s more important- your marriage and family life with your husband, or a 1 day rejection of someone who couldn’t give a shit about you followed by the total implosion of your family.

I don’t take kindly to people throwing ultimatums around. But this is his daughter, and it seems like the ultimatum is not you vs his daughter, it’s whether you trust your husband to make his own parenting decisions regarding his children.

If your marriage is happy, support your husband. If you’re invited to the wedding, be there for him. If you’re not invited, then you’ve got what you wanted.

It sounds like this woman has behaved horribly to her father. It’s not going to get any better if she destroys the family for the sake of a day.

I don't think not going to the wedding will achieve anything.

He has been incredibly generous to my kids too which they are grateful and appreciative, and I suspect that has been part of the problem with his dd. She only wants his money spent on her

There's a lot missing here, I think. How long have you been together and is your ex still in the picture? I can see how being 'incredibly generous' with children who are not his responsibility may grate on a biological child, particularly one who has struggled with the break up, or who perhaps hasn't had as much of her dad's time as she would have liked. I think as adults with children and the limits of incomes you learn that treating everyone fairly doesn't necessarily mean spending the exact same amount on everyone but if you're the one getting less than everyone else, again it's not hard to see where the resentment might come from.

Of course, she's old enough to know better and it's crass demanding money all the time and no, you don't have to have a relationship with her any more than she has to have one with you. Will you even be invited to the wedding?

The thing is op, as this concerns your dh's DD, it is your dh's role to draw the boundaries. He is not prepared to do that, but that doesn't mean that it is your role to do so. Go to the wedding and support your DH. Young people sometimes don't have the insight in to their own behaviour that you gain when you become older, and she may well look back and regret her actions.

It doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it's quite likely that the money represents much more than just cash. To your dh's DD, it probably represents love and time, and being a priority in his life. And she is insisting on those things BC she obviously felt that they were lacking, or distributed unevenly, during the time her parents divorced. And your DH may well have capitulated BC he felt guilty about his own behaviour in some way.

Adult dc do suffer when their parents split, I have seen it happen among my friends, and sometimes parents don't attend to their emotional needs because they think they are adults and don't need love, reassurance etc during this period of transition.

And sometimes adults can be very wrapped up in their own affairs and the adult dc become an afterthought. And sometimes, very unwisely, both parents use them as a sounding board against their former partners, so they are exposed to conversations that should be left unsaid.

You don't know what went on here op and it's not your place to draw a line in the sand. If anything it's your role to support family harmony, not the reverse. This isn't about you. 💐

I totally understand why you feel like you do and probably half of it is down to the fact that you want to protect your DH. There is a saying 'keep your enemies close ...' - could be a case of giving it a go, for DH's sake and to get a measure of her (ie any signs of turning a leaf or is she still willing to walk over him). Is it worth saying you'd meet her with fiance (to take the pressure of just having to speak to her) and DH, for a coffee. Do this on the basis that you'll see how it goes, you don't want any heavy family roasts any time soon etc, but you'll do it to break the ice and see how it goes.

I would assume that her next request will be to pay for her wedding so brace for that.

Sadly, I think your DH needs to plan for the worst, given his medical situation, and have a an iron-clad will in place. The daughter sounds the type to either contest the will or turn up with a van to take away prize possessions after he passes.

Go to the wedding and practice a few stock sentences in advance. Haven’t we been lucky with the weather. The bridesmaids look lovely, you chose just the right dresses. What a beautiful setting. etc..
And as lots of pp have said make sure you have your own money in your own account.

This scenario certainly gives the classic “father of the bride speech joke joke” - “I give the groom the hand of my daughter, whose hand has been in my wallet” extra meaning, sadly.

It might be a delusion but it is a wedding day.
You should bury the hatchet and be on the arm of your DH.

You need to support him in being the father-of-the-bride.
Don't make the wedding about you at all - for that is not what you want people to remember forever.
Be your nicest. Enjoy the other guests and the party.

You know to watch out for the daughter, just be polite without giving her money.