To think she didn’t need to try and embarrass me?

Shes not asking you to justify yourself, she's just making small talk.

Did your parents used to shame you into eating food you didn't want?

The restaurant server was not trying to embarrass you. They were worried that they might have got something wrong. It's only embarrassing if you associate being asked about your food with guilt and shame.

My grandma used to say “it’s the hight of bad manners to comment on someone’s food” I also hate it when I’m asked why i didn’t eat something at a restaurant. I’m paying for it regardless! Yanbu

yabu, there's nothing wrong with not liking the food and nothing wrong with asking whether you liked the food or not

I should perhaps add that not only do I work in hospitality I am a recovering ano. I can understand the fear of scrutiny when eating out as that is what you get with your family and friends, but I can reassure you that it will not have been personal.

Perhaps they were just really worried that you were vegetarian, vegan, pescetarian, gluten free, diabetic, kosher, halal etc and the company had missed it in the planning and you couldn't eat the food.

I went to wetherspoons tonight and ordered just a simple burger and chips but the girl serving knows I have a problem with my appetite and commented on how much I managed to eat as she knew I was pleased.

Tbf I had said to her I was surprised I managed so much and she said it was great.

I've lost about 3 stone in about 3 months due to my eating. I want to eat, I see so much I want and can't manage it. Its like a texture problem.

I've worked in restaurants for many years. To us, an almost full plate usually means there is something wrong with the food. So we ask. They said didn't you like it because they're hoping that's the reason rather than because it's over/undercooked, inedible, you found a hair etc. Also the server will get asked by managers/chefs if there was something wrong with it as well.

Why would you get a starter if you weren't that hungry? I just usually get a main can always order a side or dessert after.

What @PyongyangKipperbang said. It's not about you having to justify yourself, it's about the staff making sure that there wasn't a problem with your meal that you've not mentioned cos you didn't want to make a fuss. I've lost count of the number of times I've been in restaurants and the server has done a quick passing "is everything OK?" Happy customers are more likely to come back, spread the word and hopefully tip well, so they like to make sure you're satisfied with your meal/

That's what I would have done. The comment would be so innocuous to me, I would have been unlikely to remember it twenty minutes later.

Ah right.....if the person asking was the server as she cleared the table then yes that makes more sense.

I am in hospitality and if a guest has left a lot of their food I will ask "Was everything ok for you?" because we would rather know if it wasnt so we can rectify things. Its not a judgement on your eating habits, but concern that your meal wasnt up to standard. Its a perfectly normal thing for a server to ask if you leave most of your meal.

I also wondered if there was an eating disorder at play, the comment the woman cleared her plate, and then the sensitivity over such an innocuous question.

if there is though, the op should just own her issues and not try to make it this woman’s fault.

I cannot understand why you couldn't just say "Oh no, it was lovely, I was just a bit full after the starter" and move on with your life.

I understand your point, it was a pointed question but the only people I’ve known in my life get quite so sensitive about things like this are those with eating disorders and unhealthy ideas around food. To other people it’s no big deal, they’d just say ‘no I’m just full’ or ‘I’m not that hungry’ and think nothing of it.

People are allowed to ask questions in life. We exist in community. Food is part of life.

Let me guess, you have disordered eating and are worried saying that drew attention to your eating. It didn't and no one cares how much/little you're eating apart from your parents.

You don’t ‘need’ to do anything. It’s casual
conversation - make it or don’t. And calling it ‘justification’ would indicate that you think you’ve been accused of wrongdoing, which isn’t the case.

Again, this all seems to indicate food issues. Your reaction is irrational.

I agree. Who cares who eats the food and who doesn’t. No need to question this.

I've lost my appetite completely recently and wouldn't be amused if someone commented on what I ate. However I would've probably tried half of each and explained.

@AGoingConcern I also read "cleared the plate" as taking it off the table.

But, even if cleared the plate meant someone finished their meal and ate everything on their plate I still don’t see anything rude, offensive or inappropriate in the question she asked.

You embarrassed her so she was trying to do the same back.

The fact that you were too full to finish your main made her feel bad for clearing her plates. Her problem, not yours.

This is just an innocuous comment, she was curious, not trying to embarrass or persecute you in some way, the question is why you’ve reacted in such an extreme manner,

are you very introverted, and hate any attention , and then secretly get angry kind of person?

most folks would just say oh I was full or whatever and think no more of it,

She obviously enjoyed the food, as she ate it.

You didn't eat all of yours.

It's a work lunch, nobody chose the food.

She made a completely appropriate conversational comment. "Oh, didn't you like it?"

It's a question.

You have any response in normal conversational norms. Anything along the lines of, for example, why you were full, didn't like an ingredient.

To think you are being judged by the comment is a massive reach.

It's a work lunch.

I didn’t order it

Ooh, the plot thickens. Maybe she is concerned that the catering wasn’t inclusive enough and is actually trying to improve things for you in the future.

I’ve just got this feeling that this is someone you don’t like and you’d take offence whatever she said and did.

I had a serious eating disorder for years and even I couldn't get worked up over that. You just answer honestly that you are full. Conversation over. Nobody else is going to be remotely interested in you finishing your meal or even remember you being asked so nothing to be embarrassed about. I highly doubt it was about showing you up, surely she'd pick something slightly more offensive than asking if you disliked a meal? I don't think I'd have even thought about it beyond the couple of seconds you were asked the question if I'd have been at the meeting. Nobody has gone home tonight shocked to the core over you maybe not liking a main course. Don't worry about it -nobody else will be.