Can someone explain married people’s surnames?

I kept my surname but added my husbands on to the end so I have a part of my name that the children also have. I also have my maiden name as I wasn't happy to just erase a part of my name that's always been there. I don't have a middle name though, so I actually quite like having three parts to my name now, as it always felt "too short" before! The kids both have middle names, so didn't give them both parts of the surname too, as it would have felt too long. It's definitely easier for travel having the same name in there somewhere, before marriage I was quizzed quite alot when travelling abroad without the kids dad, as we didn't have the same surname, and this was the main reason I added his to mine after marriage. We travel alot as a family and separately, and it just makes it easier not having to take birth certificates and permission letters from Dh, which I was asked to show before marriage.

God, why do so many women on here always have to jump on those who take their husband’s surname? I’m not antiquated or promoting old fashioned sexism. I just never liked my original surname - it was clunky and I constantly had to repeat the spelling. Used to get people telling me I was pronouncing or spelling my own name wrong because it was just weird. I took DH’s surname when we got married purely because it’s a lovely name and flows very well with my first name.

literally this... it's not that deep

When I married, I double barrelled, my husband did not, but I ended up with a ridiculously long surname which everyone cut down too my husband's surname and I hated it, as I just didn't feel like Mrs Husband Name, so after a few years I changed my name by deed poll back to my surname and feel a whole lot happier, so do what ever makes you happy.

No you don't have to have the same surname you can call yourself whatever you want. I have Dhs surname I wanted the same surname as my child. My dd has a double barrelled married name.

It’s because it isn’t yet a level playing field

The default is still ‘woman changed her name’

And women meet significant opposition if they veer from that. New DH objects, his family refuse to use her name, more so if she wants the children to have her name or both names. We see this all the time on MN

Women change their names to avoid a hard to spell or pronounce name, or because it illicits a snigger. Men never seem to do this. Did any of your male relatives change their name to lose your birth surname?

Of course people do what they like, but It’s a discussion point.

Traditionally, a woman married a man and took his surname.

Now, you can do whatever you like! Marry a man, marry a woman, civil ceremony, take their name, keep your name, both double- barrel, one double-barrel, be Mrs, Ms, Miss.

Did your brothers (or cousins or uncles… any male family members with the ridiculous sore thumb surname) change their surname to their partner’s on marriage?

My maiden name was always spelt wrong, mispronounced and was of a particular geographical area. I took DH name as it's easily understood, easier to spell and is understood abroad as well as here. I would have been happy to keep my maiden name in concept but changing it was more of a convenience to me. DH couldn't care less either way. It's odd how many people on here care though.

I kept my name.

My name. My birth name.

It is not my ‘maiden’ name.

I was not a ‘maiden’ frolicking about in a milk maids frock waiting for a chivalrous husband as a young woman and I am not an ‘old maid’ as a recently retired person.

And had I changed my name for any reason (e.g it was hard to pronounce or spell, was associated with a euphemism or I chose to change to a new family name) the name on my birth certificate would be referred to by me as my birth name.

My friend has been married twice . Her maiden name is very very popular in the UK . She then married with an unusual surname . Divorced , and then married with another popular name .
She kept her 1st husbands name.

A former colleague got married mid 90s her DH took her surname and not changed it to his. Otherwise she would be called Rose West!

A similar situation happened with a distant relative as she would be called Karen Matthews. She got married in 2008 when the Shannon Matthews case happened and said she wants to take DH's name but the case changed her mind.

Why if thats what they want?
It would be antiquated and old fashioned if there was no choice but since there is a choice why can't you just accept that other people might think differently to you.?

I kept my own name when I married over 30 years ago, it goes better with my Scottish first name…it doesn’t bother me in the least if people call me Mrs Husband’s name, most people probably assume I changed my name upon marriage because I’m in my late 60’s and it was the ‘done thing’ years ago. I never think of it as being my father’s name, it was our family name 🤷‍♀️

I took my husband's name because mine was ridiculous and I stood out like a sore thumb, but
funny though as 99% of men have nicer/easier to pronounce surnames so women always seem to be the one who changes.
What is that all about?

In some countries - Iceland is one of them, your surname is your dad's name then son for male or dottir for female.

When get married, the names don't change and any children they have will have take on the husband's name for the first part of surname.

My surname is my ex fiances name, I disliked my surname so decided to change it via deedpoll before we got married as soon as I gained citizenship so all my original British documents were in that name. So my husband and our children all technically have my ex fiances surname.

In practice it depends on the whims of the organisation you're changing it with. Me and DH both double barrelled our names and both made a deed poll. In theory you need a deed poll to double barrell your name as a woman but basically everywhere was happy to do it for me with the marriage certificate. Some even preferred the marriage certificate. For DH some organisations would only use the deed poll and others still preferred the marriage certificate. NatWest didn't accept either document for him, not accepting the deed poll because we made it ourselves and they insisted you need to buy one. We complained and got compensation for that.

The “husband’s name or father’s name” thing just demonstrates how deeply ingrained internalised misogyny goes.

The name you were given at birth and lived with your entire life doesn’t belong to your father- even if it’s his name too. It’s part of your identity. Girls aren’t their father’s possessions. It also assumes that the child was given the same surname as their father at birth, in spite of that now not necessarily being the case.

@MollyButton The point is that you don t have to wait for marriage to do this. Two witnesses and you can change the name you use today for free. 50 quid to "enrol" the change and make it official.

I changed my name to exH’s when we got married nearly 20 years ago, just because it seemed like the normal thing to do. It seems like a crazy thing to have done now, wtf change names? I would never dream of taking current DP’s name if we got married, I don’t know if I’ve changed or society has.

The cat has my surname in his file at the vet’s. This resulted in DP also being called by my surname when he took the cat in recently. He came back and told me about it as though it was a noteworthy event, even though people sometimes call me by his surname (we’ve been together a long time) and that’s normal apparently 🙄

One of my school friends didn't change her name after getting married as DH's surname would have rhymed with her first name.

On the other side, divorce. Knew a couple of people who kept their ex's surname one of them - a colleague at my mum's last employer - there was another colleague with the same name and pre married name. Having 6 colleagues with the same first name was bad enough - let alone two colleagues with the same first name and surname!

I changed mine when I got married (25 yesrs ago) as did most people I know who got married at a similar time. It just never really occurred to me not to. (Socual conditioning)
But I do find it easier that the whole family has the same name.

I do think in lots of ways it would make much more sense for the default to be kids having their mum's surname because realistically it's much more likely the mum will do most of the childcare/school admin etc and if the couple splits it's more likely the kids will primarily live with the mum. (Not saying this is right or how it should be, just how it is)

I was quite surprised when a youngish acquaintance of mine got married the other day and took her husband's surname. I'd have thought it was less common now but I guess not.

Good! This should be advertised more, then maybe more men would use their wife's name (as there is zero admin faff).

It’s not judging on a surname but it’s always seems to be women claiming their name is awful. It never seems to be that the men have the horrible surname and want to change to their wives?