Can someone explain married people’s surnames?

I was born in 1960s and grew up in a very traditional English suburb. All married women took their husbands surname and their children had that family surname. The only children (and there were only a very few), who had their mother's surname were those born out of wedlock. As my uncle put it 'the poor lass couldn't even get the chap to do the decent thing and give the child his surname'. At least one relative gave birth to her son in a Mother and baby home with view to the child being adopted within the wider family. Instead the relative met a bloke who was prepared to take her and the baby and so she got to keep it. Today it is different women can chose to take the husband 's name or not. In my professional working days there were an increasing number of women who were Ms X professionally, but quite happy to be Mrs Y in social settings.

I understand what you are saying but I do think berating women for being Mrs husband is a bit myoginistic in itself because it's implying women are surrendering to husbands.

Sorry I misunderstood your post that's all .

Exactly this.

I don't understand why some people can't see this.

Internalised misogyny that they aren't even aware of.

Because choice doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are societal and family pressures brought to bear on some women. Do they think differently or are some coerced and think they have no option?

It's not a free choice in many cases.

No they didn't as it didn't bother them, it's not about sex but about how we individually feel. It was an inconvenience to me (partly due to a business I ran and also the fact I have to travel more) so I changed mine, it didn't bother them so they didn't. I don't like the fact that this thread is full of people thinking women who change their name have been railroaded into it by family or tradition. I wanted to do it so I did. If I didn't want to I wouldn't have and wouldn't care what the rest of the family or anyone else thought. I applaud the fact I can choose myself but I dislike the fact people feel I have to justify it or it's implied I'm lying about my reasons.

This one.

My son has my name. So if he gets married and they decide to use his surname, does that mean it's actually his grandfather's name? It never gets to be my name?

My name is the one I was given at birth - yes it's the name from the paternal side of my family, because that's how things were almost always done in the 70s. It's still my name.

No. It was your name for (let's say 30) years until you got married. For your whole life you were Jane Smith.

and even if you do think like that, why would you want to change your surname to be the same as FIL's? because surely your husband doesn't own his name either, by that logic.

I sort of never got the feminist arguement as my maiden surname came from my father.

Do what you want. You don't have to do anything. You can keep your surname. You can change it. You can double barrel. You can even make up a new one. It's your name.

@Mrsjayy Nope; not a minor thing at all. Adopting the husband’s name is part of the same patriarchal system that kept women oppressed and submissive for ages. Why is it that as a “wife” you are branded with the man’s name and therefore advertising the fact that you are married to him but nobody is ever to know that he is married unless he chooses to disclose it? It isn’t free choice when it’s standard, accepted, majoritarian practice. A lot of women I know went on about becoming Mrs “whatever” in the lead up to their wedding but never heard a man say the same.

I've kept my dad's surname as much as I dislike the connection to him, because I've lived with it 50+years already, have an established career and I'm lazy. I choose to use DH's surname informally.
DH has children from his first marriage so I was never going to ask him to make up a new name with me or double barrel with mine (which I personally think makes everybody sound like Margo Ledbetter). It's a personal choice but I will never not eye roll at the "taking of a man's name" - what? So I can preserve another man's name...?

Do wonder if making up names is tough on those tracing family trees later.

Been married 14 years and still go by my maiden name. You can do what you like!

We both kept our surnames at marriage, but changed them to the same (new one) when I was pregnant with our first. We wanted everyone in the family to have the same name, and this was the fairest way.

I never said I didn't accept it, why don't you learn to read lol.

Yes I (I'm allowed) believe it is old fashioned to replace your surname with your husband's surname after marriage.
Why can't you just accept that other people might think differently to you?
Ps. Why did you use a full stop followed by a question mark.

Sometimes it is more complex if a blended family and so the loss of a name is more important. Double barrelling I guess might help in that scenario.

Do what you like! We kept our own names. Kids have one as a surname and one as a ‘middle’ name…

Fair enough but why did it have to be replaced with another man's name - if those are your options. It's not a judgement merely an observation.

I use both! Haven't formally changed my name, so legally I'm still Ms Maiden-name, but my husband's name is easier to spell (i.e. I don't have to spell it at all!), so I'll often use it for other things, even though I don't have any legal documents in that name (think supermarket shopping deliveries, etc).

I always wanted to keep my maiden name for work anyway and it was too complicated to try and get the bank to recognise two different names, so I haven't bothered.

My husband didn't like it to begin with, but I pointed out that he doesn't wear a wedding ring, so I told him I'd change my name if he wore a ring, so we agreed to be happy with each other's choices!

The person that seems most offended by my choice is my own mother, who I still share a name with!

We don't have any kids and aren't planning to, so it doesn't make any difference to us really. It doesn't make us any less married that we don't share a surname.

Ultimately, OP, you can choose whatever name you want, whether it's one that's been given to you at birth, one you take at marriage, or one that you choose at any other point in your life (like Phoebe in Friends, or should I say Princess Consuela Banana Hammock?!).

If anyone is telling you anything different (at least in the UK), they're talking bollocks.

I’d never change my name to my partners (not currently married). But annoyingly I never questioned NOT giving our kids his surname. And even more annoyingly he never questioned it either.

I don’t understand the need to have same name as their kids. Are people just not secure enough in their family bonds?

if I was to even change my name or my kids surname I’d choose my mums maiden name as I think that’s the ‘family name’ I feel most affinity with. I kinda regret not putting it as my kids middle name but I think that would have been a personal slight in my dad given his name wasn’t in there.

Never changed mine
I dont understand why you would
My name made me who I am

@Mrsjayy "
What do you mean, have you never come across a double barrelled or hyphenated name?"

I have. I was thinking about the people who say they don't hyphenate because they think it will lead to future generations having multiple hyphens.

As I said, you can do what you choose.
This was my choice that works for me.

What do you mean, have you never come across a double barrelled or hyphenated name?