Do you think that you internalise what you're told you are as a child?

Yes definitely. I was always told I was clever but not pretty, and also that I would end up like my granny on my dad’s side - who spent most of her time in psychiatric hospitals.

I am actually pretty clever, spend lots of time worrying about not being attractive/money trying to make myself attractive, and suffer from severe anxiety and depression.

(As an aside, my mum always said I would never be pretty but that I was “striking”, and I have grown into thinking that is a good thing!)

Yes, 100%. As a child I was constantly berated for being ugly, dumb, etc by my stupid mother. It’s still so hard to get this out of my brain, it truly makes you believe what you are told. Perhaps not helped by the fact I am an introvert, extroverts May deal with it better. Also you end up feeling you aren’t capable of achieving better if that makes sense.

Yes definitely. It's called ' introjection', as opposed to projection. However something else can also happen, which is that in a very young mind, we can make assumptions about things that have happened to us and come to erroneous conclusions, which is just as damaging. For example, my mum who already had 2 children and didn't want any more, got pregnant and had me. The way my family treated me left me feeling I was ' unwanted'. It's a hard belief to shake and often we act as if these beliefs are true and it creates a kind of self fulfilling prophecy.

So if I believe I'm unwanted I may be quite defensive and guarded. People interpret this as being aloof and standoff and may not want to approach me. And so the cycle continues...

As a child my mum would tell me I was beautiful which I believed until I was a teenager. I remember distinctly the moment of realising that I wasn't actually beautiful by conventional standards and that she was just saying that because she was my mum 🙄

Very much so. I've spent years trying to get over being told how stupid and worthless I was as a small child. Even my own mother resented, disliked me and wished me dead.

Oh dad also refused to let me shave my legs or try out make-up or clothes so I always felt the ugliest girl in secondary school. Apparently 'who are you trying to impress'. I've struggled with dressing nicely ever since

i always believed in myself, even if people said i was dumb etc i used to tell myself as long as i can study x subject etc then ill get better

Yeah of course. I was told I was clever too. Also my mother randomly told me at 13 I would be about 6 ft and slim with piano player's fingers.

Nope. I'm 5ft and podgy. Pretty good with the written word but that's it.

My dad also told me I had a moustache and no friends (after taking me away from all my school friends to a different country)

I think my mum did parenting better 😅 still waiting for those piano players fingers though!

I was constantly told I wasn't good enough, and that message is VERY firmly internalised.

I was also told that fashion and make-up are for idiots and noone needs to make themselves look nice, and if they want to look fashionable or pretty, they're obviously thick as mince. Noone serious and intelligent would waste money on fashionable clothes, or wear makeup.

Everything that wasn't based around reading books was nonsense. My mother absolutely fetishised books, and children who showed an interest in anything else (sport, art, even music) were just wrong and silly.

It's a wonder I'm not more messed up than I actually am!

Not exactly something I was told, but my parents lived very frugally, to insane and contradictory levels (my mum would make us drive/traipse around the shops for bargains when it wasn't even saving much money).

It has made me so insanely good at delayed gratification that I have tonnes of disposable income, that I've kept spending on cheap unreliable shit because "cheaper is better" really stuck with me (and "you don't need fancy stuff").

I have just cracked the habit a tiny bit and started buying expensive shoes that will be comfortable and stylish for a decade!

Lack of choice as a child and bargain hunting has probably wasted me thousands over the years.

I expected to read I was told I was ...thick stupid fat ugly, so yours was more of apositive experience , but not necessarily true for you.
As fister carers we deal with lots of verbally abused kids and people think it's 'not really abuse' cos 'I never hit them.
Yet adults will tell you it's not the physical pain that gets you all through your life, it's the verbal.
This group was set up to try and get people to recognise the lifelong impact words can have on a child, hence their name,

WORDS MATTER

wordsmatter.org/

I had a difficult childhood in many ways but I was constantly told I was beautiful and clever....I'm probably more average than I was led to believe 😂

Absolutely. My parents continuously put me down. Never had hugs or kisses, and I grew up with very low esteem. Even now I get embarrassed when anyone praises me, because I don’t feel worthy of it. I often feel sad for the child I was.

I think you do. This is partly why I feel uncomfortable about children being told they can be born in the wrong body when they are too young to feel comfortable in their own skin.

Yes, I wish it wasn't true. I would have saved thousands on therapy and had a much happier life to date.

Yes.

I was fat as a child

The message i was given is being fat isnt okay/good enough and ergo i was not okay/good enough

I fundentally believe i am not good enough and being fat is wrong / disgusting/ a failure of character /visible demonstration of poor willpower.

My internal voice is pretty horrific tbh. Thousands of pounds of CBT hasnt improved this 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes absolutely, and beyond, into the teenage years.

I also thought I was clever until I met genuinely 'clever' people. I suppose I am quite intelligent in some ways (I can express myself well in the written word when required, I can be very quick at grasping some concepts, I often notice and make links between things things that other people don't seem to pick up on) but on the other hand I can be completely lacking in common sense and I've come to realise that I have very poor executive function which means I really struggle to reach my potential. I'm also socially quite inept.

I was told I was ugly as a teenager and that has definitely stayed and become an internal voice. I could kick myself though when I look at photos from my early 20s and realise I was actually quite attractive. I wish I had seen it then instead of listening to the voices of the bullies that remained in my head.

I try really hard to give my children a positive internal voice as I really believe that it comes from what you hear as a child.

I thought I had a temper. I was told so often because I have red hair. If ever I spoke up, that was my temper.

I haven’t; I’m pretty laid back, but I do hate injustice, so I will confront that.

Yes definitely. Also applies to "manners" and ways of behaving. So if you learn as a child that it's rude to take your shoes off in someone else's house and sit around in your socks as if it were your own home, then as an adult you can learn that most people want you to take your shoes off without asking, but it doesn't become "second nature".

The older you get, the more things change, and the more you find yourself behaving according to rules explicitly learnt rather than behaving instinctively according to what was the norm in your childhood.

Absolutely. Even things I know are absolute nonsense are carried internally as "truths".
Particularly things my mum said.

I agree. I am so worried I’m not showing my daughter that she is interesting, valued or that I want to spend time with her. I really do try but I always feel so frazzled juggling everything.

Yes for sure. I read something great the other day that said how you talk to your child becomes their inner voice.

I was told I was a shortarse.

I'm 5'7" tall.

My parents told me I always lied. They just didn't listen! They just went with their own narrative so when I did what exactly I said I'd do, and didn't do what they thought, that was me lying. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Of course. That is why so many people suffer with chronic low or non existent self worth.

Oh yes, I think this is definitely true.