Do you think that you internalise what you're told you are as a child?

Not necessarily what my parents said, but what teachers and peers said.

My late parents had many faults but they never denigrated me. I was a confident child. My DF in particular always made me believe that I was anybody’s equal which has helped me throughout my life. That maybe sounds arrogant but I have never really felt that inferior to anyone. Of course I have had doubts and I am obviously realistic about my level of intelligence and capabilities.
My parents were however very superstitious and also great believers in ‘serves you right’. My DH and I laugh about it because his parents were the same. We say if a mad axe man jumped us in the street our parents would have said ‘serves you right’.
My late MIL worshipped her father when she was a child. He used to tell her to rub down the sides of her nose to try and alter its shape as it ‘wasn’t a pretty nose’ I just couldn’t comprehend any parent saying that to a child. She remembered this into her 80’s.
So sorry to previous posters still suffering from the terrible things said to them as children.

My mother always told me I had an inferiority complex (when I look back it puzzles me where she picked up such big words) it didn't know what she meant but thought it was something bad.
She also told me I wasn't like a normal girl and that was why I was bullied at school and I was my fault not the bullies. She was always criticising all of my decisions.
I still have the insecurities of being not good enough despite having a lovely family and worry about making decisions.

Very interesting subject.

Seems as though whatever we're told as children can affect us negatively. Not just how bad but how good we are too. It seems obvious that being put down will have a negative effect but I also find it fascinating that telling a child they are clever or pretty is a bad thing if the person doesn't feel deserving.

It brings back a lot of memories... Like a pp I was occasionally told to stop showing off as a child. Looking back, I was pretty well behaved on the whole and never knew exactly what "showing off" meant other than telling me to sit down and shut up. It made me feel confused and hurt sometimes. But, I do remember being (and feeling) quite outgoing and confident as a small child. I was probably being put back in my box.

In later childhood and even now I often feel shy and unsure. I also tend to be more reactive than pro-active. Maybe those reprimands affected me more than I realised. Lots to think about ...

As I said, fascinating discussion.

Can relate to so many of these, particularly @EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon . Hard to believe parents can be so shit to kids and yet it is so very common. It’s sort of comforting to know I’m not the only one with a mother who did her best to put me down.

Isn’t it interesting how much of it comes back to you when you bring up your own kids? I hope I strike the right balance with DS - I don’t think the world should fall at his feet, but I tell him frequently how lovely he is, what a nice person, how he looks great, and how he works hard, and how much we love him. Never the things I was told - that I was argumentative, stubborn, had a big nose and dark facial hair, that no one would ever want to marry me, etc etc. How anyone could say those things to their only child I will never know.

I have a good life but sometimes I still have to shake myself out of thinking I’m not good enough, and it took me a long time to get on with other women because I thought they would always judge me like my mother did.

I was always told that actions have consequences.

Just a couple of days ago I was trying to balance too much on my dinner tray. As I was trying to open the kitchen door with my elbow my glass of water slid and in trying to save it the plate with my dinner on fell off the other side and smashed on the floor. My husband immediately offered me half of his but I refused and made myself a sandwich. I could hear my lovely Mum's voice in my head telling me that that is what happens when you try and cut corners and not do things properly.

It wasn't my husband's fault so why should he lose half his dinner. (He still thought I was daft though). I 'm 71.

Or it affects you so deeply you deliberately go the opposite way. My parents always said my sister was the clever one and I was the pretty one. She spent her life trying to look beautiful (which she already was btw but didn't think she was) but she dropped out of school at 15 and I worked insanely hard to be as educated as possible getting a PhD and achieve in my career but care very little about my looks.

Yes, adults are always telling kids what they are.

We do it to each other though.
We make opinions about others for the most superficial reasons and then stick to them.

I can so relate to this. Primary school labelled me gifted at a young age which I'm not, I'm smart, but in much the same way as loads of other people, not 'university at 12' fodder or anything like that. Unfortunately my dad got very excited about my 'potential' once the school had stuck that label on me, and although he and my mum used to tell me it was enough to do my best, so many contradicting things were said that made it clear to me I was supposed to be head and shoulders above everyone else. I was often pushed to read improving books etc rather than just playing and doing normal kid stuff.

There was also an assumption I'd fall instantly into a high-flying (and high-earning) career after uni just because I had a degree, and my dad wasn't quite able to hide his disappointment when it didn't really pan out like that, so I ended up feeling like an underachiever. The reasons he gave for my apparently being 'held back in life' (which wasn't how I felt) were my 'shyness' and my weight. Yes, I can be shy, but I've never been anywhere near as shy as I was perceived to be. I've held teaching jobs, I do amateur dramatics, things I was warned away from at the beginning because I was 'too shy' for them. And although I have had my struggles weight-wise, when I look back on old photos I realise that for a lot of the time when I was being told I was fat, I ... wasn't fat.

Unfortunately, in addition to being too fat and too shy, I was also frequently labelled difficult, awkward, argumentative, moody and bad-tempered which looking back I actually don't think I was any more than the next child/young person. Apparently I'd never have any friends, never find anyone to marry me etc. They were wrong on both counts. They did love me despite how it sounds from this post, but it was a very controlling sort of love; they both had very authoritarian upbringings and I think they had assumed they could just mould a child of their own into a meek and docile little thing (probably why I was encouraged to see myself as shy) and it was clear to me that it had been a disappointment to them that that hadn't panned out. I was an only child which didn't help, because I grew up hearing these labels only being applied to myself and didn't have any perspective (in the form of how they might have treated my siblings) to tell me I wasn't universally disagreeable and unlikeable as they seemed to think.

Tbh all of this has been very hard to shake, and it's only in midlife that I've really had any success at unpicking/debunking any of this in my own mind. I still don't have the confidence I should have, though, because lacking it in the past drew me into unhelpful friendships and relationships which perpetuated the vicious circle.

MIL should read this thread

She constantly and I mean constantly harps on, in front of her grandkids, about how much she adores her eldest granddaughter and what a special bond they have, and how shes got no bond with her grandson because she didnt see him as much when he was a baby (her and SIL had a falling out)

Shes basically digging at her little grandson because she doesnt have the bollocks to have it out with her daughter

He's just coming up 4 and I've witnessed his reaction when she brings the subject up; his head and shoulders droop, he looks at the floor, bites his lip, and appears like he's trying to be as small as he can. He's a lovely sweet quiet little lad and my heart breaks for him.

DPs whole family seem to accept this as normal behaviour so she never gets pulled up on it

I'm waiting for the day she says the same about my DD, so I can take great pleasure in putting her in her place

Of course, that's why there are so many fucked up people in the world.

My dad was very similar. Lots of fat jibes that he thought were funny. He wasn’t a bad person just didn’t understand how his words could sting. I am completely different with my own sons. I’m their greatest cheerleader. I’ve never criticised them or put them down. I was on the receiving end for too long and it’s made me totally self conscious

Yes.

Definitely, the good and the bad.

I also was also told by my family constantly that I was so clever. When like you, I was just a good reader and quite quiet and studious and at school. It meant when I got D’s in my science and maths GCSE I really struggled because it was like, here it is in black and white I’m not as smart as everyone thought I was. I got As in all my other subjects and did a literature degree but my brain really struggles to process numbers. I also really do think I have dyscalculia but nobody thought to check this as I was ‘so clever.’

I remember one summer when I was 13/14, wearing a vest top and my aunt said ‘wow your boobs are so big they’re covered in stretch marks!’ And I have lived with a life long anxiety about my boobs since this comment. My dad once told me I had ‘footballers legs’ and so I never wore shorts or skirts until very recently - I’m now 33.

Onlyhereforthebiscuits absolutely agree about primary school! And secondary. Some people really shouldn’t be teachers! Having said that, I did have some brilliant teachers that I still think of fondly after all these years.

Yes

I grew up being told regularly by DM that I was spoiled, selfish, not pretty enough.
I'm a grown-ass woman but to this day I'm still so insecure about my looks I cant even pop to the shop without a mask of make up, and feel guilty for self-care or buying myself anything, because it must make me "spoiled and selfish"

Pathetic huh

On the flip side, my grandmother would always praise my reading and writing skills, and would brag to her mates that I'd be a top journalist or write novels one day.
I just do admin, but I'm very confident at it! And its still using words right? 😂

But all parents should be VERY careful about what teachers at school are telling their children.

Teachers (especially in primary school) can cause untold damage. I have so many issues that have shaped my entire adult life …and not in a good way. My life would look so different now if it wasnt for them. 😢

My parents were great (exemplary even) but that didn’t stop the damage that happened for years in primary school.

Yes, it's why I'm trying to move on to telling my kids I'm proud of them for being such hard workers and always doing their best instead of telling them how clever they are. I'm hoping it'll make a positive difference, but who knows!

I had a similar conversation with DH last week.

I always knew that I wanted to be a SAHM, it was a be all or end all, I remember breaking up with my boyfriend at uni as he had a different opinion on it.

As soon as I was made redundant I felt it was perfect timing to start a family as I always wanted to be a SAHM. My mum was very vocal grouping up about mums who worked. ‘What’s the point having kids if you don’t want to bring them up/trusting a stranger with your child…’

DD is only 9 months, and I am genuinely happy to be a SAHP. I’m struggling slightly as all the mum friends I’ve made are going back to work. I’m the only one choosing to stay at home, I guess it doesn’t help that I used to be career driven and the friends I’ve made are similar.

The penny dropped last week that it was my mum’s opinion on nursery’s/working mums had skewed this massive life choice.

I think it was my mum’s insecurity as all the other mums worked, and she was a single mum on benefits.

My Grandad loved me and I could feel that . He never said anything critical and we were very close long walks to parks , I wasn’t a naughty child but I must have annoyed him a bit sometimes. Children are like sponges .
I worked with pre school and if there was one thing I would blow my own trumpet about it was helping the shy children feel more confident, relaxed and safe .

Yes and it takes a while to unlearn

Yes absolutely - it can change if it’s negative but in my case took years & years. As a teenager I was put on diet after diet by my Mum when I was a normal weight for my height & actually when I look at photos from back then, I had a lovely figure. I am overweight now in my late 50s but I have already lost 2 stone from quitting drinking & am planning to lose more but on my own terms & for me, not for anyone else. Parents really need to think about how what they say to their children can damage them.

Yes absolutely. But I do think there are ways we can work on them as adults. I haven't really had any positive messages internalised from childhood but plenty of negative ones. I do think that's gotten better over time though through lots of counselling. It's good to hear you had positive messages internalised though 🙂

Yes I do especially the sensitive ones which is why children need nurturing. My Nan on the whole was such a positive influence on my life encouraging me to paint, and teaching me Italian and to bake and knit but she also made a few personal remarks about my shyness that really hurt and I will always remember to this day.

Everyone here who was told they were clever , is clever. It's that a lot of other people are also clever . But your worth is measured in comparison with others, it is valid in your own right.

I get quite anxious about things, and often it's due to things I've been told . My parents often gave me the idea that I should be anxious about things. I'm sure my dislike of parking has come from my df.