Do you think that you internalise what you're told you are as a child?

My parents didn’t believe I was being bullied the entire time I was at secondary school because I was bullied for having ginger hair and they just didn’t believe that was possible, so they never did anything about it.

I’ve no idea why, they’re both from the UK and this was the 90s where newspaper headlines made fun of celebs like Chris Evans for having ginger hair.

I used to cry all the time and tell them I was being bullied, how could they think I was lying for five years and why would I? Anyway it taught me that I wasn’t important, I wasn’t worth believing or making a fuss about, it has undoubtedly stayed with me into adulthood and I sometimes wonder what I could’ve achieved if I’d been supported and believed as a child.

I think the whole red hair thing is so insulting - almost a form of unconscious bias maybe even a bit like racism.

Read this article as a starter;

https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs

A shedload of psychotherapy if you can afford it.

My mum said she didn't love me and I'd ruined her life.
How do you unlearn these things? Genuinely?

Absolutely. Watched inside out 2 the other day and they demonstrated this beautifully.

I was told I was a whinger and a blarter. I still feel this now. It has impacted me greatly.

I’m very thankful to my parents and they way that they encouraged me - I grew up in apartheid South Africa, which as well as being very racist was very sexist too.

My dad in particular would always make sure that I knew that I could do whatever I wanted and that being a girl wasn’t a bad thing. He also made sure that I could do practical things that girls weren’t typically encouraged to do. There wasn’t a pressure to do one particular thing but to find something I liked and was happy to do.

Both my parents worked incredibly hard to counter the racist messages we would get at school so that we wouldn’t grow up thinking that it was acceptable. I’m now very sensitive to the privilege my skin gave me and get quite worked up when people say things like they “don’t see colour”.

100%
I was always told I was SO tall as a child. I was talking about my height at work once, in a way that suggested I was a giant and was met with VERY confused looks from work colleagues.
"Well I am very tall after all"
Ended up resulting in me being MEASURED and it transpires I'm the very average height of 5.5.

The catwalk won't be calling anytime soon!

100%. I was always the butt of every village idiot joke in my family and I became obsessed with gaining a Dr title because I thought that was something tangible that proved I wasn't stupid. I was awarded scholarships to study and got my PhD and now I feel stupid for spending 9 years studying and getting into a career that pays f* all. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes I was told my sister was the clever one but I'm the one who ended up with a professional qualification.

Definitely! My internal voice always tells me I’m not a good enough person even though I know logically I’m actually a very nice person. The reason being is my mother is almost certainly an undiagnosed narcissist (and I mean that literally) and what she meant was I wasn’t following the narrative she had in mind.

My 2 sisters and I are half Malaysian and grew up in the 80s in a very small and narrow minded town in Wales. (Wales not necessarily relevant to the point I am trying to make). Mum moved to UK from Malaysia at age 15 and went on to study medicine at St Bart’s college in London before moving north after she met my English father. We were the minority by far and stood out.We were taught impeccable table manners, and personal care habits etc but also to hush, not make a scene and float ‘under the radar’ somewhat as I believe mum felt that the country was doing us a favour by having us. I was bullied incessantly, laughed at and made fun of for years for looking a little different to the Welsh people we went to school/s with. I had barely any social skills and very low self esteem until I hit my late 30s I’d say. (Sorry for the disjointed post)

More in my case it was drummed into me to never lie. Not a bad thing, but as an adult I’m brutally honest 🤣

This hit home for me recently when a customer of mine , a man in his 80s, with a PhD, couldn't find the bag he thought he had traveled with and returned to look for it (it was in the boot of his car). He called himself a Stupid Boy. A lifetime of achievement, but had probably always been absent minded and this insult had stayed with him.

Thank you for posting this. DS has a very... quirky style. Think socks and sandals, green trousers with tigers on, a colourful stripy top, and swimming goggles perched on his head like sunglasses.... to go to the playground. I absolutely adore it, but reading your comment has made me realise that I often laugh or joke about it - affectionately IMO, but he might not realise that's how it's meant. I'd hate to be the person who makes him think he needs to change or that he's not good at choosing clothes. I'll start offering more sincere compliments ☺️

Of course! These things often become self fulfilling prophecies too. I was always ‘the big one’, ‘chubby’, ‘the wrong build to do ballet’ (at preschool age!), just plain old fat, and voila, have struggled with my weight my whole life. Which is annoying as why do we end up identifying with these things we wish we could be free of? I want to just identify my way out of being fat. Hmm!

Also my parents never ever paid me a compliment or said much positive to me, meaning I'm shit at giving or taking compliments and don't really believe people who compliment me.

Yes absolutely. My DP was always told by his mum that he was a 'bad' naughty child, and he really internalised that and has a very negative view of himself sometimes. It took therapy to work it out and see that he was actually just a curious and intelligent child (asking questions, boisterous) born to a mum who was a bit young and not patient enough to deal with him. Even she now admits that he wasn't at all as 'bad' as she used to think.

True. Also the fact that one tends to remember the bad rather the good makes it worse sadly. Your parents might have said lots of positive stuff but the few bad things will be distinctly etched in your mind.

@TheBirdintheCave it’s a really tricky one. I would have loved my mother to have told me I was beautiful, even if common sense told me I wasn’t, because it would have meant I was beautiful to her, and that therefore she really loved me. Instead I was made to feel defective, and in later life it really sunk in that the one person who is supposed to be on your side, wasn’t on mine. A very isolating feeling.
On the other hand I see it would be a bit deflating if you had been falsely built up - but at least you’d think, oh well at least my Mum loves me.

If I were writing a handbook for mothers, this would be one of the most important topics to be addressed. The personality and attributes a mother projects onto a child in the early years - and I do mean projects - affects a child profoundly for the rest of its life.

I can never compliment my dd as she just says "Ypu would say that, you're my mum!"

It's so true. A bitchy girl at school told me I had big calves. Been paranoid about them all my adult life but guess what.. I don't! I was bullied for a few years at school and I can't believe it had no effect on me as an adult.

*kind not kid

I always call my children beautiful. 4 year old DD challenged me on it recently. 'Why do you keep saying I'm beautiful'?!

I actually think she is and I said so, but I also said it's because she has a beautiful kid nature and that's more important.

Hopefully this will give me a get out clause if she decides later on that my thinking her beautiful is just 'mum goggles' 🤣