How to forgive DH (not affair)

How old are the dc ?

Narcissist or stupid and immature?
In my experience,iIt is not an uncommon dynamic for people to still act like children until they not longer have a parent.

Does he know how you feel? And the impact of how he treated you, or have you quietly bitten your tongue and put up with it? People can and do change as they get older, sometimes for the better. You don't say how long it is since your MIL died, so perhaps with time and counselling, he can learn to meet your needs.

On MN, people throw away relationships as if they were last season's fast fashion. Unless there is overt abuse, I would start with a cards on table conversation about how you are feeling.

You've answered your own question "he isnt a loving husband". And the children ARE affected as they see how he treats you (and will model this behaviour in future relationships) which is far more damaging than a 'broken home'

He can still be amazing with the kids after you divorce him, Please don’t condemn yourself to a loveless and lonely life!
Also you ask if you should forgive him? Has he realised his behaviour has been terrible and shown remorse and asked for forgiveness? If the answer is no, that’s also another reason to leave this man! You are only 43… I am 46 and after I got divorced found my dp and we have been very happy for 4 years. He doesn’t live with me yet but when he stays over helps with chores so I can rest more as I work ft and have dc (50% shared care). I used to be a slave to my ExH and his demands plus his mum used to come and live with us for months in end and cause so much trouble!

Have you ever had the conversation with him about how he treated you and made you feel? If not, that might be a starting point.

If he genuinely feels remorse and is trying to make amends, it's easier to forgive. However if he sees that he did nothing wrong, then you have a starting point to go from.

Your home is already broken.
It’s not being a good parent to treat the mother of your dc badly.

You need to consider therapy to understand why you allowed it to happen rather than focusing on why he did it.
But ultimately as pp said forgiveness doesn't mean you should stay. If he is not a loving husband then why stay?

You can forgive him and still divorce him if you're not happy.

Divorcing him doesn't have to be because you're punishing him. You could meet someone better for you. Find actual love and companionship.

Wouldn't that be nice?

He isn’t a loving husband

Leave him.

Your bar is ridiculously low. He was an absolute shit to you for ten years and you now want to forgive him for that because he does a bit of housework now and again? Do you even like him? I’d loathe him.

Sometimes us humans do this - we live through a period of time and look back with hindsight and find that with years of wisdom we'd have never have put up with it again.
You seem to have reached this point, maybe therapy just for you might help you to work through how you feel and what you want to do next?

If he is not a loving husband then divorce if you are not happy. You do not have to justify your decision.

Well sounds like you should have left him long ago. How do you feel about him now? Does he make you laugh, do you enjoy time with him? Is he your best friend? Do you love him/fancy him?

if it’s no to any of the above seriously think about moving on. The kids will cope.

And will life be better if you leave? Is 50/50 custody what you want?

If you stayed then, and now his behaviour and the situation is different, why do you want to leave? Have you discussed this with him?