Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invitation asking for cash gifts in advance

330 replies

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 17:49

We are invited to a good friends wedding next summer. The invitation has arrived today, the wedding is going to be at a country house quite a fancy one, and there's a card for a gift list.

I usually do give cash these days so not sure if IABU to find this offensive:

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

I think it's the fact they're having what seems to be an expensive wedding and asking the guests to pay towards it - is this the done thing these days??

OP posts:
OVienna · 30/06/2024 20:50

I'm not bored by weddings but the bit about choice of what to spend is blindingly obvious. And yet ignored by so so many couples.

OVienna · 30/06/2024 20:49

Ragwort · 30/06/2024 20:47

Why do people have weddings that are so extravagant and expensive if they can't afford them? Unless you are the Duke of Westminster just stick to a modest wedding. So many people bleat on about how expensive weddings are ... but can't seem to grasp that apart from the legal ceremony everything else is entirely optional and your choice.
So crass to ask for money in advance .. personally I think it's pretty crass to ask for cash at all but I accept that seems to be the 'norm' now.
But I've got to the age / stage in life where weddings absolutely bore me and I politely decline the invitation.

This x 10000000000

OVienna · 30/06/2024 20:48

FishPhoods · 26/06/2024 22:09

DH feels the same as me - that it's really rude and vulgar. I'm going to send a message to friend but not sure how to word it. Something like:

"Thank you for the wedding invitation- we are very excited and hoping to attend. To clarify - do you need money transferring beforehand to make payments for wedding suppliers? We have never encountered this before and would have given cash as a gift but on the day of the wedding not in advance. Hope that's ok and the planning is going well."

I wouldn't shame them in an email although I agree it's incredibly cheeky but also from a practical standpoint I'd be worried about the outcome and whether the wedding will come off when they say. They're strapped for cash clearly. I could see you getting an email saying they haven't raised enough cash, event is postponed. They who knows if you'd even be able to attend.

Can you ignore it?

Ragwort · 30/06/2024 20:47

Why do people have weddings that are so extravagant and expensive if they can't afford them? Unless you are the Duke of Westminster just stick to a modest wedding. So many people bleat on about how expensive weddings are ... but can't seem to grasp that apart from the legal ceremony everything else is entirely optional and your choice.
So crass to ask for money in advance .. personally I think it's pretty crass to ask for cash at all but I accept that seems to be the 'norm' now.
But I've got to the age / stage in life where weddings absolutely bore me and I politely decline the invitation.

AyrshireTryer · 30/06/2024 20:39

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:28

Hey guys, im gonna be 50 next year

Could you all transfer some cash so i can throw a party?

Are we invited?

Closetheblinds · 30/06/2024 20:37

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:31

@Closetheblinds

I can't. Ill be up all night pondering

Ah sorry. Maybe mute mumsnet on days you want to rest. Goodnight anyway

Thevelvelletes · 30/06/2024 20:32

Don't have a wedding you can't afford.

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:31

@Closetheblinds

I can't. Ill be up all night pondering

Closetheblinds · 30/06/2024 20:30

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:27

@Closetheblinds

Then the request for cash almost a year in advance of the wedding is even more baffling

Lucky for you it’s not your wedding so you can rest easy and not try to figure it out

MooonDreamer · 30/06/2024 20:29

Crass and tasteless

you get to choose what you give and when

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:28

Hey guys, im gonna be 50 next year

Could you all transfer some cash so i can throw a party?

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:27

@Closetheblinds

Then the request for cash almost a year in advance of the wedding is even more baffling

Closetheblinds · 30/06/2024 20:26

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:20

Call me old fashioned but.. cant afford the big flash wedding? Dont have it!!

the post doesn’t state that they cannot afford it.

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:23

Can all cash donations please be deposited at Vera Wang Bond St or Claridges 9 mos before the big day… ta

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:20

Call me old fashioned but.. cant afford the big flash wedding? Dont have it!!

hoggyhedge · 30/06/2024 20:16

what a bloody cheek

Closetheblinds · 30/06/2024 20:15

I wouldn’t do it myself but I also think all of the negative and judgemental comments are from people who have no confidence to ever ask for what they want and just settle for what they get. Also cannot stand when people “translate” take it as it is.

TessTimoney · 30/06/2024 19:49

Itsrainingten · 26/06/2024 17:58

Honestly I don't understand why people get outraged at stuff like this. Seems totally reasonable to me. They're not demanding cash! They're just saying if you want to give cash please do it before so it can go towards the wedding. Maybe they're going to put the money behind the bar or something.
Are all the people who find this rude older? I think it might be a generational thing.
We didn't want "stuff" when we got married. Didn't ask for cash either, just didn't mention gifts, knowing most people would probably give cash if they wanted to give anything.
I don't actually think asking for cash if you choose to give anything is really any different to having a gift list.

No it's not an older person thing! I am in my 60`s and I completely agree it's no different to having a gift list.

AyrshireTryer · 30/06/2024 19:23

Cornflakelover · 26/06/2024 20:00

But what happens if the wedding doesn’t go ahead

i bet you won’t get a refund

What happens if a couple separate after a year or two or five. Do you get a percentage back on what you paid for the gift?

purser25 · 30/06/2024 19:12

I suppose having cash in advance stops the risk of the cash being stolen at the wedding think I read on here of someone who had a lot of their cash stolen at their wedding

Mel908 · 30/06/2024 19:05

SmudgeButt · 30/06/2024 18:06

"To our lovely guests. We really hope you can join us on our special day. We ask that you don't bring any gifts on the day, but would prefer for those of you that choose to give a gift, that you make a cash donation ahead of September 1st 2024 which will help to contribute towards the celebration. All our love"

Your response...."Oh yes I made a cash donation to the local food bank. What? Isn't that what you meant when you said make a cash donation? Oh gee! I didn't read the rest of that!! Silly me!!!!"

Edited

Yes, we had the word ‘donation’ in one too. Ironically, it was in the same sentence as them saying they will have a piggy bank to post said ‘donations’ into at their wedding. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Mel908 · 30/06/2024 19:03

TortillasAndSalsa · 26/06/2024 17:56

When I put my invitations out I made no reference to gifts whatsoever. If the guests who are coming want to give me and my h2b gifts then that's up to them. Their company is gift enough for me

Same approach here - absolutely no mention of gifts on our invitation.

I’ll put my hard hat on for this but I think asking for cash full stop is in bad taste and grabby. It always makes me cringe, regardless of how poetically it’s worded. Asking for it in advance? No chance! CFs…

Ilovecleaning · 30/06/2024 18:50

I get totally pissed off with these over expensive posey weddings. What’s wrong with ‘ would you like to come to our wedding ceremony and join us for food and drinks afterwards?’
But no, we often have to put up with big show-off weddings which have more to do with ‘ swanking’ than celebrating.

Supersares · 30/06/2024 18:36

Weddings are SO expensive I wouldn’t have any issue with this. It’s only a request and not an expectation..

Wickedmum · 30/06/2024 18:35

Years ago, we received one of these type cards in the evening invite (was my then boyfriends cousin), They were a fairly new thing then, we always gift cash at a wedding wether day or evening Invite, family or friends.

Receiving this card put me right off and my now husband refused to gift them anything, felt it was very presumptions of them - it was towards their honeymoon.