AIBU for making wedding planning "unromantic"?

I've seen this script too many times before - he doesn't want to marry you op, hence the procrastination.

Please don't pretend you are doing guests a favour by having a dress code. You are not.

It's your wedding, if you want a dress code, your prerogative but at least own it.

You are not coming across as you think you are. It's not "alternative".

It sounds like you are maybe from quite different backgrounds if your fiancé has previously had a 100k wedding and you’re happy with what you can put together for 8k? Perhaps it’s because he’s older, but it seems like some of his views might be from the type of traditional weddings he has experienced and his family/friends would expect to attend.

Re the black theme, we had black for ours but didn't make that the dress code. We did it using decorations - black table runners, black seat pads on the chairs, black ties round the bouquets, that kind of thing. My bridesmaids also both wore black and I wore my black Dr Martens!

Black definitely can be done but I do think it's quite restrictive to make that the dress code. As pp have said, a lot of people might own black stuff but it probably wouldn't be the kind of thing they'd wear to a wedding unless they bought it specifically

No one wants to attend a wedding in their work gear.

Where is the reception and what food have you gone for?

Is there a friend or family member that could make a big cake?

And my family members did their own flowers and table decorations - all the women get together a couple of nights before and make them over a bottle a wine. It’s lovely.

What is your partner actually wanting to plan himself? If he is willing to sort the food and flowers, for example, then get him to show you some options by the end of the month to discuss together.
Don't budge on the date or you'll just have more wedding stress for longer.
My partner and I got married in less than 4 months with 120 guests. It's definitely doable. He sorted florist, invites, photographer, and did the communication with the venue around food.
I think if you're partner wants a big say he needs to be providing actual options for your date and budget.
I'd also agree with the others about the colour scheme. A black dress is great for you but let guests wear what they want.

You totally can do a lovely wedding for your budget and not being too sentimental will help! Have a dress code like smart casual and tell people not go mad.
Do your outfit and theme in black if you want.

Black done well, thoroughly thought through is beautiful and very edgy, but that's when it's all done properly by design with hotel on board and with a table dressing company etc. Black done in the cheap will have kitchen Halloween party vibes that time in the year, coming right after it. The photos will look awful as actually, not everybody DOES have black to wear for a wedding. The only black items I own are gym wear. So you will have all sorts of shades of gray, navy, black etc and it won't be at all cohesive. It will just look cheap.

Let people wear what they want. Choose a colour scheme for your dress /suits /bridesmaids and table designs but don't insist on anybody else wearing it. Only the bridal party. That will give you the cohesive look you want. Black, Forrest green and bronze or rose gold would be glorious at that time of the year. A black waterfall skirt and green corset could be beautiful if you want to stay dark.

I don't blame you for wanting it to be done on the cheap.

Good call. You can always have a black theme for the bridal party, and even decorations etc if you want.

I don’t own any black clothes. I am (cringe alert but best way to describe it) an ‘autumn’ colour palette and I look absolutely dreadful in black.

I would definitely shy away from a) telling your guests what to wear because it’ll make you look like a wanker and b) choosing black. There is absolutely nothing worse than ‘mixing’ different tones/hues of black. Plus you know Sharon from the office will wear navy because ‘nobody will be looking at me any way’. It only works in TV shows where everyone is dressed by the same stylist and the budget is huge.
Your photos are going to be a mess.

@Lotus3 why would you invite people you aren't "close to" to your wedding?

Nearly everyone owns something black, yes. But I wouldn't assume everyone has something black that's wedding suitable. You very likely are going to oblige some people to buy something they wouldn't otherwise.

Having re-read the OP
They can also just book a restaurant for the other people.
Don't get a 'wedding package' just book it all out and have a set menu per head. Much cheaper!

That way everyone gets what they want, provide wine with the meal but a paid bar for everything else.

Or, the evening guests don't need a full meal, just drinks and something like a pizza van or buffet

Lots of.options outside 'weddings' provided you are upfront and state you don't want anything extra

OP, in a large wedding like that, nobody will notice if you and your groom or close friends go off somewhere by yourself for some peace and quiet at the evening reception. People will just be talking among themselves

I voted YABU because of the dress code.
I wouldn't dictate what people wore. It comes across as demanding. Whereas you say one of the reasons you chose black is that everyone has something already that is black so I think your reason may have been to save people trouble and expense.
I am an adult and would much prefer to wear what I choose.

I totally get not wanting to be the centre of attention or have a massive wedding with loads of fuss, I didn’t either - but you need to find a compromise on what your DP wants too, and then split out some of the planning.

I’d be really irritated he was complaining it wasn’t to his liking unused he’s getting involved in organising it.

@Lotus3 I don't really wear black apart from shabby loungewear trousers 😂
Seriously.....
I'd just go to a registrar office (in your goth clothes).
You, husband to be, 2 witnesses and your daughter.
You've been together for a decade and have a child. You don't need a big dramatic ceremony (I say "dramatic" because anyone that insists on a colour dress code is dramatic in my view 😂)

The first thing to do is agree your budget. You have some debts, so I would personally stick with the £15k gifted to you. If your partner wants a more lavish wedding and budget, he needs a debt payment plan and savings plan to make up the shortfall in the budget.

Once you’ve agreed your budget, you write your top 3 priorities and he writes his top 3 priorities. Yours can be an all-black aesthetic. His can be flowers. Whatever, it doesn’t matter. If your top don’t conflict with each other, work the wedding around those 6 things. If there’s a conflict say you want small and intimate and he wants 150 people, you need to compromise. You spend your money on the priorities, everything else falls into place around them. When you run out of money, that’s it. Or if you reach the end of the priorities and have £6K left you decide to either save it or spend it on fluff for the wedding.

The main things about a wedding is not the romance (and flowers and fluff aren’t romance) it’s having your nearest and dearest around you to celebrate with you. Otherwise you’d just elope.

Why "all black"?

Why not? It's a gorgeous aesthetic

Or a bit “look at me, I’m so alternative” which is an interesting stance for someone who claims to want “no-big-deal”.

OP, everyone owns a black t shirt or trousers at least yes, but they're not necessarily dressy. Unless you're going to tell people to come in their band t-shirts and jeans. You are being far more restrictive than a loose formal/semi-formal etc dress code.

Also , the 'dramatic and alternative' look comes with the decoration! You don't care about 'cakes or flowers' or anything like that so how exactly did you think it was going to turn out?

Unfortunately it's just going to end up looking like a funeral if it's just a sea of black. Different if you've already planned the entire aesthetic with decorations etc.

In which case, your guests do not need to wear black, the venue will look dramatic enough without using them as props.

Does your partner love black? And want everyone in all black?