AIBU for making wedding planning "unromantic"?

Well he needs to be doing the grunt work too. DH tried the “I’ve never planned a wedding before” to which I replied “neither have I”, although your partner doesn’t even have that excuse. We did Wedding Wednesdays, we’d open a bottle of wine, have something nice for tea, do wedding admin together and then finish our wine. The wedding wasn’t spoken about unless something urgent came up or just a general can’t wait comment outside of wedding Wednesdays. If we had no admin to do, we just drank the wine.

The all black theme makes you seem really uptight. No decent bride or groom tells guests what to wear! It’s a really rude thing to do. Apart from that it’s all fine.

Please don't prescribe what your guests should wear. How can that possibly enhance anyone's day.

I never, ever wear black, even went with navy for my own husband's funeral, I'm not spending £££ on something for your wedding that will make me look awful and I'll never wear again

All black in a church will look like a funeral. It will look awful. Post the pics when it’s done, I wanna see 👀 🤣

We had quite a relaxed wedding...and had quite different thoughts as well. It was also his second after his more traditional first wedding. I'm also quite introverted.

Anyway

The bride wearing white/cream is quite helpful for members of 'his' side who may not know you very well.

Seating plans - we didn't have one, sit down meal for 100, in retrospect I think we should have had one as it meant people who wanted to sit together had to go in and nab places early. It's actually easier and better for people to tell them where to sit but turn a blind eye to any name card changing going on.

All black will look like a funeral. I'd have rolled my eyes at an 'all black' request.

My DH didn't really get involved as his first wife loves stuff like this and would have planned everything....

The most important things are lots of food and drink - treat it like a party.

Edited to add - ours wasn't very expensive and was planned in about 4 months.

I wouldn't go all black either, I'm afraid. Black is a tad funereal. If you want a theme, there are plenty of more interesting, alternative ones about that might express your personality better, likes parrots, board game-themed or newspaper-themed.

I wouldn't attend a wedding with a dictated dress code, and being blunt, it will look like a funeral. Sorry OP but you've come across very controlling. It's both your wedding, you need to agree on what happens. It sounds like you've just done ahead and sorted it on your own. I hope you're both committed Christians to be marrying in a church. Your partner has a very sensible idea to pay debt before spending thousands on a wedding.

Have the wedding that YOU want. Not everyone wants to be the centre of attention. We don’t all want to be Disney princesses. If DP and I ever get married I’m absolutely going to be wearing black. It’s my favourite colour. And the wedding would be a city register office followed by lunch in a nice restaurant with only parents and siblings present. Possibly not even that - might just be me and DP.

All my black clothes are work dresses. Which I wouldn’t also want to attend a wedding in.

It’s definitely something you have picked based on only yourself. You wear mainly black, so have outfits for different occasions in black. Many people don’t.

I'd be tempted to tell him that you realise you haven't been taking his views into account enough and so you're handing over the rest of the planning to him to redress the balance

People go a bit crazy over wedding planning, OP, and you may or may not be one of those people, but tbh I have a lot of sympathy. Planning a big event is stressful for most people - most of us aren't events planners in our everyday lives and weddings/funerals are the biggest things we'll have to plan. It is infuriating when people criticise your plans, however bonkers, but do nothing constructive to help.

So your friends and family will know you are a bit showy, nothing wrong with that. But sounds like your friends are just expressing that it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be very ‘you’.

I am sure they know you well and know you don’t want to disappear into the background.

Getting socially nervous and drained around people you are not close to doesn’t also mean disappearing into the back ground.

It does sound a little like you are that desperate to be married you are just jumping at what you think are the easiest options to sort quickly.

Does your partner really want to get married OP? (Not suggesting he doesn't want to be with you, just for some reason doesn't want to get married again). It sounds like you got engaged a year ago and in that time he has done nothing towards practical planning, but now with 4 months to go he's saying he's not happy with what you're planning. Plus it sounds like he's concerned about budget (very sensible as you've got DC and debts to pay) but is insisting it must be a huge event with all the trimmings. It also sounds like from the start he was coming up with reasons to out off the actual wedding. Is it possible that he wants to be with you but does not want to be married again and that the gift of money towards the wedding has forced his hand (as now you do have a budget that can't be used on anything else so arguments around waiting until you can afford it won't work)?

Or is it possible that he feels a big fancy wedding is expected, particularly if his family have given you money towards it? I find it hard to believe that he is actually personally that set on a big wedding/enjoying the planning if he has not done anything to come up with plans for what he wants in the last 12 months.

If you’re having a sit down meal you do need a seating plan really, it’s much easier than everyone piling in and then trying to get seated, anyone who has allergies/specific meal requirements is then easily identified to serving staff & if you are catering for 50 people with meals the kitchen needs to know where everyone is sitting to bring the meals out.

Get a black dress for yourself if you want to but don’t tell your guests what to wear.

Also, speak to your husband to be. It’s BOTH of your day and so you do both need to be happy.

you could pick a theme which is "not bright" - ie dark colours, and not summary/light stuff.

would work in November, without dictating what people wear.

All black coming out of a church, I’d be respectfully slowing down my car waiting for a coffin and if I saw you in a venue wondering why you all looked so happy when clearly someone has just died. Not very celebratory. I’m another person who only has black leggings and black work wear. I’d have to buy something new. And themes that impact guests at weddings are just silly.

why can you do black accessories or have bridal party in black tie. Is your wedding dress going to be black? Aren’t you worried it’ll look like you’re wearing a Halloween costume in a black satin or lace dress?

I don’t think either of you are wrong but, whatever you choose, it won’t be romantic if you can’t compromise and reach a shared vision. Romance is a personal concept, for some people a small basic wedding is romantic because it’s intimate.

You need to find a middle ground between what you both want, it shouldn’t be one person gets everything they want and the other doesn’t. How do you approach other issues you don’t agree on? Do you normally accommodate each other’s wants and needs?

So he's much older, you got together and had a child while you were very young, and he's procrastinating and obstructing any move towards a wedding.

I hope you have a decent job OP.

On the practical front, don't make a dress code for the guests. Adults do not appreciate being told how to dress themselves. By all means choose the colours for decorations and what you and the wedding party wear, but leave the guests to their own devices.

You need to have a Proper conversation.

He can’t just not involved and complain. However, as it’s causing issues between you it could be that he just doesn’t feel he can, then gets annoyed and says something,

You can tell him, it’s annoying that isn’t doing anything but then complaining. But you also need to agree that if he gets involved you won’t keep shutting things down because it’s not how you want it.

Bit odd, why is he expecting you to do everything and just do as he directs you then?
Also weird that he wants you to move house, jobs and pay off debts over paying for a wedding but then wants a lavish wedding when you've been together so long... sort of feels like that's a bit of an excuse to hold things up.

You need a seating plan. Or it’s awkward when the family of 6 want to sit together but all the tables have no more than 4 free seats remaining and they have to split up. There’s a good reason why almost every wedding has a table plan.

I’d hate a black theme, trying to find something to wear to a funeral is bad enough. Everyone will go out buying nice black dresses. It will be a pain in the arse

Is he helping you plan, as in doing the actual gruntwork, or is he just telling you what he wants?

the only thing I have in black, is my funeral dress and my work t-shirt and trousers - I'd hate an all-black wedding