My girlfriend is pushing me away - how to help her

She made herself clear , and you feel being pushed away - why are you not leaving her alone?? For some reason she is struggling to be assertive with you but just listen to her and leave. You clearly just staying because it's comfortable, for whatever reason...

Run away. Now and fast. Or you will regret it forever.

This behaviour is shockingly manipulative. ASD is no excuse whatsoever - several members of my family have it. It doesn't sound like ASD to me anyway.

It’s very sad that’s she’s struggling, but she isn’t able to have a functional relationship at the moment because of her low self esteem. She has to fix that, it’s not up to you and nothing you can do will improve things for her. If fact, having you around to focus on, blame, and worry about will likely prevent her from making the changes she needs to.

This sounds like a horrible situation for both of you, trapped in a stressful vicious cycle
of arguments and insecurity. She clearly uses guilt and being unwell to pressure and control you - sadly, many people do when they are deeply insecure. That’s no way to live, for either of you.

I’m not sure how old you both are, and I’m not trying to be unkind, but her behaviour is that of someone quite young - a teenager - who isn’t yet confident, can’t control their emotions, and tries to manipulate people into getting what they want. I don’t say that maliciously, and in fact it’s a hopeful comment because teenagers can grow out of it. She can too. But not unless her situation really requires her to. If you stay you reward all this toxic, childish behaviour, which is no kindness in the long run.

You are deluded. Sorry but there is no way you can be happy with this woman.

Shes manipulative and selfish and you need to run

And yes it could be borderline personality disorder (which is a common misdiagnosis for ASD).

Even if it is I’m not sure you have to do this for the rest of your life to support her.

Life shouldn’t be this hard.

If this is a recent thing I would be wondering if she’s trying to push you away deliberately - she no longer wants to be on a relationship but doesn’t want the responsibility of ending it so she’s pushing you to do it.

She could genuinely be in a crap mental state, but she’s being very unfair to you in the way she’s handling it.

Either way I’d leave. Life’s too short and there is much happiness to be had, don’t waste precious time here.

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder

Op just leave, please. I'm not sure if you're a guy- watch abused by my girlfriend in bbc iplayer, read the testimonials on the man kind forum. I've specialised in domestic abuse for years in the justice system. She was a dream at the start because she was setting you up not to leave, this is the real her. Believe it and go.

If you are in the UK tell her to talk to her GP, they can refer her to therapy on the NHS. She could try CBT to manage her need to constantly contact you to say how worthless she feels.
You perceive her behaviour as 'pushing you away' because she is vulnerable; but its possible she is engaging in the Karpman Drama Triangle (Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.) Its not that she doesn't understand. Its that she needs someone who will fit the roles on the merry go round, and your reasonable, reassuring behaviour doesn't fulfil her need.
But it isn't going to fix the problem either.

You need to end it. When she's in a better place mentally she can think about dating, but right niw she's dragging herself amd you further down.

The best way you can support her is to tell her to get therapy to sort out this issue, and put boundaries in place to shut these unhealthy conversations down when she starts.
Make both of these a condition of the relationship continuing.

I was in an 8 year relationship exactly like this. It didn’t start like that of course. We had really good times and loved each other so much. But the insecurities, the questioning, the probing. You having to constantly try and comfort that person and say the same things over and over and over.
My ex partner was so mentally abusive it took me years to heal. I look back now and I honestly don’t know how I did it. Having the constantly think about every little thing I’m saying so he couldn’t pick it apart. Having to confirm I love him and no one else and he is worthy 20 times a day.
the whole “you could have anyone, why me? I don’t deserve you. You will leave me and find somebody better”
It’s just draining. Absolutely mentally and eventually physically draining.
We broke up around 10 years ago and are still friends. I am good friends with his now girlfriend, and he hasn’t changed. I’ve seen how it’s taken its toll on her too after years of being with him. He won’t change, he can’t.
We went for therapy and even the therapist basically shrugged him off and said “with some people, it’s just part of their grain”
My honest advice is to either help her get some
therapy or see a GP for maybe antidepressants, or leave…. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It truly is hell 💕

This is one of those where, if your partner was a man, everyone would be telling you to walk away. And that (in my opinion, as a woman!) is what you should do. This is essentially emotional abuse. There may be mental health problems or a personality disorder at the heart of it, but that doesn't mean it's OK for her to treat you like this. It IS abusive and it IS controlling and it IS manipulative.

There’s absolutely no way this relationship can continue as it is. She’ll bring you down with her, it sounds harsh but life is short and she needs professional help. I got exhausted just reading that!

She needs to not be in a relationship right now. To work on her self esteem and learn to love and respect herself.

Then ahead of can start a healthy relationship

This isn't about you, it's about her low self esteem, her negative thought patterns, her self fulfilling prophecies. She is trying (subconsciously) to test you and push you away, if you stay then you must love her to put up with it all, if you go well that just proves how awful she is, and in her head proves she was right all along.

The only way she can change is with great effort and lots of therapy. And its probably better for her to be single for this, as it will be incredibly difficult to change her thought processes while she is in the cycle of a relationship.

You aren't a mental health professional, and even if you were it wouldn't be a good idea for you to treat someone so close to you. There is literally nothing you can do. Even if you were the perfect partner she would convince herself of something (you're faking it because you're cheating, you bought her flowers as you're hiding something etc).

You need to leave her so she can get help. And before she drags you down with her. Sorry. There is literally nothing else you can do, other than stay and accept you're going to be in a permanent cycle of emotional exhaustion from trying to reassure someone constantly

How long have you lived together? When did this behaviour start? Do you have any idea what may have triggered her?

I was going to say this. She sounds like she has an extreme fear of rejection

You say in one of your updates that this is a recent thing. Do either of you know what triggered it? Is she doing anything to seek help if this is out of the norm behaviour for her? If not, I'd be asking why.

The barrage of messages and trying to cut you off from your sport does sound dangerous though. It'll take its toll on your mental health and you need firm boundaries around that.

Personally, I'd say to her she needs to seek help or you're out of there

Does she have a diagnosis of BPD or trauma history? I’m not saying the way she’s treating you is ok, it’s not, but some of what you’ve described does potentially suggest there are other things going on.

No way would I stay with her, she sounds abusive.

How old are you both op? Is she getting any support for her mental health? Any therapy/meds/under a mental health team? Honestly I agree with pp. I’m female and had a female best friend for many many years who was like this. I watched her sabotage the only 2 long term relationships she ever had. The first man tried for an entire 13 years with her, the second for 5. It took the first man many years to get over the damage she caused him during the relationship. The second one is now under a mental health team himself, and also seeing a therapist and on medication, she absolutely destroyed him in the end. I’m good friends with him now, he says he’ll never get in a relationship with anyone ever again, and I believe him. It got to the point where I was helping her so much that it started to affect my own life and relationships, until eventually one night I completely blew up at her, ranted all the home truths about the toxic way she treats her family and friends no matter what we do for her (and we’ve done a fucking lot), and we haven’t spoken since. People like this are damaged beyond repair and will never change. Imagine staying with her and your entire life being like this. The constant arguments, accusations, and she’ll not stop until she has control of everything that you do as she’ll make your life not worth living otherwise

I'd tell her you are only friends while this is going on. Absolutely nothing more. You'll support her, you'll be there for her, but you can't be more invested due to the impact its having on you. No way I'd stay in this relationship.