Difficulties with asking Ukrainian refugees to leave after 1+ year of hosting them

I don’t think anything you’ve said is unreasonable op and i think from what you’ve said, it does sound like what was originally a form of needed help, is now a situation where your bf is being taken advantage of.

My impression from what you’ve said is that the lady won’t ever leave or her own accord, so your bf needs to be tougher and more direct with her, with no more extensions, if he does genuinely want his house back to himself. And wanting to take his relationship with you to the next level is a valid reason.

You said he’s contacted the council and they’ve been supportive, do you know what advice they’ve actually given?

There is never a need to quote the original post though, it is assumed that all posts are responding to the OP. Only quote if you are responding to another poster. HTH

Tell her she won’t get a council flat while she is housed. She needs to present herself as homeless and go through the process.

Because they’ve been there two years, she won’t learn English, she won’t work full time, she’s sponging for money and favours, she’s spoiling the relationship…

In terms of how long they’ll have to wait for a social home, and what it will be like if they become homeless, it depends where you are in the country. Overall, there are very long waits for a social home. In London families with priority wait over 10 yrs. But in less populated areas it can be quicker - less than a year.

Temporary accommodation for families who are homeless is hell. Can be months in one room in bleak locations with limited transport, with frequent moves at 48 hours notice. A lot of it is out of the area, which means kids having to move school or 1-2hr commutes. It’s extremely unsettling for children, especially teenagers.

There are many lone parents, who work full time, going through hell right now in temporary accommodation.

The council may help her into a private rental. But rents are increasing at record levels, so if she can afford it now she may not be able to when the tenancy has to be renewed the next year. If she works part time (earns less than £793 a month) she may also be household benefit capped, which means she’ll likely not be able to afford a private rental.

Your approach to being self-sufficient is commendable. But being a lone parent with no family support is very difficult and frightening, even if British. As a refugee it can be even harder, especially if struggling to learn the language, which can be more difficult as you get older and less confident. How is her child doing? Are they settled in school or still struggling? Have they made many friends? They only have 4 years until important exams. What happens to them next could have a profound effect on their life. Also, where is their father? Are they very worried about him? Worry can be debilitating.

I suggest your partner and you as a team try to speak to the council, or a local advice agency like Citizens Advice or Shelter to find out the reality of her options and how long she’s likely to wait for a social home. They won’t talk to you about her specific case, but her scenario. If it may not be too much longer, it’s probably best to continue hosting them until then, to avoid disrupting her child. If it’s an incredibly long wait, then perhaps you could help her look for a private rental, so you have a sense of her options. I’m sure it’d help them a lot to take the next step if you both let them know you’ll be there for them when they move and try to help her find somewhere close by.

Don’t let your frustration with her (or judging her against yourself) come between you and your partner. He’s clearly a very kind man to invite a mother and child into his home and continue to support her. Don’t see that as a weakness.

I hosted a Mum and kids who now live locally in private rented accommodation (they’re an amazing family and we’re still very close to them). Our council told us that there was zero chance of them getting a council place so private renting would be the only option. But this differs in different areas.

It’s really tough but you just have to say something along the lines of “You’ve been in the UK now for over two years and lived at no cost to yourself. This can’t continue forever, it is not <boyfriend>’s responsibility to keep you, so for your own sake you must start taking the next steps. A council property is unlikely so you will need to save for a deposit and to do this you must increase your working hours”.

Once you explain the reality of temporary accommodation (moved round different hotels out of area every few days and teenager won’t be able to attend school, and no cooking or washing facilities) she might make more efforts. Tell her that she can’t be fussy.

I think that understandably, many Ukrainians have just fallen into a depression while they wait for the war to be over and they’re struggling. Others (often the younger ones) have thought “I’ve been given a great opportunity (albeit in awful circumstances) and I’m going to make the best out of this experience”. She needs a bit of tough love to push her into the second category. Can you talk to her? You can probably be more straight with her than your boyfriend.

Also, is she in touch with your local Ukrainian society? They’ll often send someone round to tell them how things are. It might be worth you contacting them, along with the council. If she’s told the same things by you, the council and the Ukrainian society it might sink in.

Good luck! слава україні 💙💛

Kind and weighted opinion?
Sorry, no can do, as I was born in Prague and that city now hosts more Ukrainians than officialy in the whole UK. Major decision factor for me as to whether to leave the UK or not.
Difficulties?
Did you expect different?

He has been more than generous and homes for Ukraine was never intended to be permanent housing. Of course she would like cheaper rent, wouldn’t we all, my rent is so expensive but that’s life in the U.K. He needs to give a date and advise her that if she’s not found private rental by then the council will temporarily house her. He’s got to stop just extending and make it clear he’s serious as you guys want to set up home together and unfortunately his time for hosting is over. I’ve seen many people with this problem unfortunately

There would be someone at the local council supporting the scheme and those placed. Your bf needs to contact them and ask what the options are as the set up is no longer working.

I don't understand the handwringing. Give appropriate notice and follow through. Change locks on the day they need to leave. Inform council and just leave them to it. They'll be fine.

Your boyfriend has been very kind. But he needs to be firm with his guest and the council that his offer of accommodation has come to an end.

If the woman is not happy with the temporary accommodation you may find (as other hosts have found) that suddenly she is happy to rent privately.

I am fortunate that my guest has established themselves in a job and at university and although they come here in uni holidays they have already explained what they hope to rent when uni finishes.

@uainuk temporary accommodation is not what you are imagining. They have different places for families so you shouldn't be concerned about her having to go there with a teenager

The Homes for Ukraine scheme was a very needed immigration route, but the problem is that we thought the war would be over now. They have extended visas twice now, and technically, if Zelensky decides the war is over every Ukrainian on that scheme would have to go home. They are not incentivised to learn English through work like other visa routes so it isn't as comparable to someone on a skilled worker or family route. It is all really temporary and sad for people that need stability.

Not necessary when you're only the second response on the thread like they were, you can literally see what is being responded to right above it!

Him being kind hearted is one thing but she's taking the piss big time.
I was slated big time on here for not taking refugees with one free bedroom but having read some of the situations on MN...

Wrong thread

The whole scheme wasn't properly planned and thought out. I wonder if the Uk was so keen to be involved as Ukrainians are " like us"

Sorry OP , you find yourslef in this situation.

Is your boy friend getting rent paid?
I don't live in UK but presume there is funding to pay host Ukrainian. Does that same system not reassign the people when host no longer wants to be involved?
Agree with idea asking around anyone want to rent room to these people...
If they living rent free for 1+year he doesn't have a hope of getting them out why would they leave such a situation

She is going to be there forever! Your boyfriend has to stop being such a wet drip!!! He needs to wait until the day after her last night. Take her to the council and present her as homeless. They will fill in the paperwork and place her in temporary accommodation, until they find a council flat. I'd let her bring a suitcase and box up the rest for her to collect later on. So by presenting her as homeless, she will actually get what she wants, a council flat. He needs to explain that to her and take her to the council house.

This.

@Custardslices I should imagine the OP wants to show that not all Ukrainians are like her boyfriend’s lodger, and many have made the effort to assimilate and pay their own way. I can imagine it’s uncomfortable for her to be judging someone from her own country who has obviously been through hell - but is still taking advantage.
And what has it got to do with her? Quite a lot if she can see her boyfriend’s good nature is being taken advantage of. They are now living together and so these are now her unwanted guests too. And I can imagine, given the ongoing war etc etc, it’s complicated - and that she feels a tinge of guilt, even while knowing that this woman is absolutely outstaying her welcome.

Is your boyfriend asking for your advice and help with this issue? You’ve already made your position clear to him, it seems. There isn’t a clever sneaky way to “address this as a team” because there’s no team there, it’s his house and his decision.

He might be kind and all that but he’s being kind to his lodger, not kind to you - because it must be obvious to him you want her out.

You can either accept his decision or move on, you can’t push him into it.

This thread is so self indulgent OP. You work so hard, you pay private rent in full, your taxes pay for few others on benefits....tell me what has this got to do with your partner of a year and his lodger?

Maybe he doesn't want to boot her out. This is not up to you to sort either.

Ffs you don't have to quote the OP! We can all read. Madness

This was the second post on the thread. Pretty obvious she's responding to the OP and unnecessary to quote the entire, very long, post.