Difficulties with asking Ukrainian refugees to leave after 1+ year of hosting them

It was always a poorly implemented scheme open to abuse , and with all the onus on the unwitting hosts .

She can go into private accommodation and claim housing benefit as you said. She’s clearly stalling and has no intention to move until she gets a council property (she likes the look of - maybe - that could take years).

YANBU. Agree with PP get some advice/support for her to leave through the scheme he used in the first place.

To some extent, I quite like the boyfriend for not kicking out the first guest to appease the one he’s having sex with.

So many people wanted the scheme though and thought it was great, and that if the government wouldn't do it they must be horrible meanies.

They probably should have still said no, but no one was pressured into doing it, the people who chose to were the ones who thought it was a good idea.

The local council will likely move them onto bed and breakfast, one room with no cooking facilities. Bad for anyone including children and young people.
Has your boyfriend considered seeing one of his local councillors and asking what the councils policy is on this?

Her situation is very sad, of course, but so are many others'. She is no more entitled to a council house than anyone else - and yes, there is always a huge waiting list. She has been supported and helped massively since coming here - which is lovely of your DP - but the time has come for her to take responsibility for her own life - same as any single Mum here would have to do.

We don't have enough social housing for anyone. She may be stuck in a bnb or wherever - she is not in a position to be fussy. And she can absolutely get a full time job!

I know many Ukrainians have had a terrible time (and still are) but having left their country there does come a time when they have to be self sufficient - as does everyone else living here. Your DP has been amazingly kind - no need to feel guilty. It is now time to move on with things. Good luck!

Sorry for the spelling mistakes- I'm blaming fat fingers!

Hi @uainuk I've not read all of your replies so not gully upto speed eigh the situation.
Just wanted to say that my sister was in the similar situation. She hosted Ukrainian mother and mid teens daughter. When it was time to move out mother really didn't want to. Didn't try to find anything, wanted council to gi e her accommodation. Whiltshe was staying at my sisters house, mother was working minimal hours (so that she gets more benefits). Therefore she was at home much more that my sister. Just didn't try to help herself. Felt like someone had coached her that she needs to get as much as possible out of the system. We are also eastern European, but this concept is totally alien for us. We have worked and worked for everything we have now. It was tricky for my sis to get the house back to herself.

Typical of this government to introduce a crazy scheme during a housing crisis and then leave it to everyone else to deal with the fall out. Every refugee no matter where they come from shouldn’t have to rely on charity.

It's quite reasonable in my eyes to want social housing. It is a very normal option in many countries. But I wonder if she understands that unfortunately we don't have enough in this country. What is she doing to try and get social housing? Because she will get nowhere while she lives with you. Her only chance is if your boyfriend makes her homeless (i.e throws her out) and she then goes into emergency housing. And it will still be many, many years most likely. My friend is in a hostel with her 2 DC now after being made homeless just before Christmas. They have one room for them all (1 adult and 2 teenagers) and then a shared kitchen and shower room. It's not the greatest, but she has made the room as nice for them as possible and they are ok.

I have been running a local Ukraine Support group and this is luckily a rare occurance as most of our families have wanted to get on their feet as quickly as possible. Your boyfriend needs to contact the Council to say he is evicting her. This sounds harsh but it is the only way the Council will take action. They will probably be housed in a hostel or b&b until suitable accommodation is found for her. How long that takes depends on the housing situation in your area. Living in a hostel will probably prompt her to seek privately rented accommodation fairly quickly!

When I think about it from a selfish perspective, because I want to live with my boyfriend together, not with random people in the house. When I think about it from a rational perspective, because I think people should use Homes for Ukraine scheme to get on their feet and not to have free accommodation forever

Nothing wrong with either of those, OP, but if she's the cynical opportunist you believe I'd forget about any chance of him ending this "on good terms with her"

As so many have said the only real answer is to tell both her and the council that she'll be leaving on such and such a date. You'll probably find they're not "supportive" any more once it becomes clear the guest's going to be their problem, but never mind - very likely she'll be in a B&B and won't like it, but you've already given so much and it's really not your problem any more

Фантастика. Рос ІПСО з постами щодо того, які українські біженці нікчемні, тупі і корисливі вже і до мамснету добралася.

I know several people who took in Ukrainians, and every single one of them had issues at the end of the original agreed period. It's extremely hard to tell someone to leave, and it's understandable that the person hosted is reluctant to go. It was a major source of stress. In one case the hosts were a quote elderly couple. The agreed six months turned out to be hard for them as their hosts were a mother and husband son. The son was eating them out of house and home and they struggled with his noise etc. But they ended up having them for a year because they felt so bad about telling them to go. And it was only when the male host had severe health issues (not helped by the stress, I suspect) that a neighbour took it in hand and spoke to the guests, and called the council.

Why can't she work full time? Then she could afford rent. If she's capable of working full time she should be doing it. There is so much wrong with the benefits system. If healthy adults want to only work 16 hours a week that's up to them but the rest of us shouldn't have to fund it. It's so wrong and I'm sick of it.

I think @Anonym00se 's post has some excellent advice. I haven't hosted but a friend did - a mother and teenage child - and reached a point where it was starting to cause problems for her own family. They spoke to the mother well in advance of her moving out and supported her literally every step of the way - working with the local co-ordinator, helping her to find some work, helping her to apply for council housing, getting furniture donations or cheap items for her, continuing to support her once they moved. It was hard but, as other PPs have said, she framed it as: We have loved having you as our guest, but we can't host you any longer. And made it clear that it wasn't abandonment, but they didn't budge on the end date.
The only issue they've had is that the council house was in a different catchment area for the DC. They could have stayed at their school (with council funded taxi), but took a long leave of absence and so lost their place.
If your bf wants to ask her to move out, he has to handle it (though I imagine you may be acting as a translator here, which complicates things?) Maybe go out when he has the conversation?

And don’t forget you feel very vulnerable not speaking the language and responsible for a young child.

Tricky. I live in Belgium where the benefits are generous but housing very difficult to find when they leave the host. Plus Belgium started insisting they attend French/Dutch lessons. I’ve hosted quite a few Ukrainians. Everyone who asked me said they would be glad to help in the house and not one of them have apart from the v sweet students. I wasn’t welcoming for home help so it’s not a deal breaker. They are kind of drifty.and a lot of that is due to understandable preoccupation with what’s happening back home. I took to hiding a couple of coffee capsules for busy days working as they’d use the last of everything. They were afraid of being without, being out in a foreign country.You seem very adjusted Op. I can understand your frustration but think you will have to help her find a place and move. She will likely still need you from time to time with things like help with paperwork.

its fine, I find it helpful, lots of people do, it isn't up to any one to tell other poster s how to post

In what way is it helpful to quote the original post two posts in?

@malachitegreen

Please do quote the post, so we can see what you are responding to

No one needs to quote the orignal post two posts in. It's a huge headache. Totally unnecessary.

The whole scheme wasn't properly planned and thought out. I wonder if the Uk was so keen to be involved as Ukrainians are " like us"

That's what I think too.

Agree.

OP seems to be comparing herself to this woman where she comes out on top in all aspects (pat on the back). Those information about you isn't necessary in this situation at all.

You're doing well for your self as a Ukranian who left because of the war, she isn't. Perhaps you left but she fled - two different situations. Who knows if you both had the same opportunities in life and in Ukraine to start with. It's not typically good to compare yourself with others whether for the good or bad because every person's journey is different.

Also, somehow before you mentioned it, I knew your new bf is English. Just something of a "I've caught myself a British man" air about your post and this woman. Hopefully you don't have a condescending air towards her in her presence.

That said, yes she seems to be opportunistic or lazy or both - milking this free gift and 'soft' man for all he can offer. It's time for her to move on and all your bf can do is give her a letter detailing when he expects to move out (and state that keys will have to be changed on that day or house sold or whatever he wants to put as outcome on the day).

Then another letter of instructions on what to do and where to go (Homeless dept of your Council) just to help her out and know he's done all he can. She'll become their problem once she gets there.

This is your boyfriend's problem to sort. Enabling is doing something for someone else they could do for themselves. Your boyfriend's lodger could help herself but isn't. Your boyfriend is enabling her to not take charge of her life. You are enabling your boyfriend not to take charge of his life by looking for solutions for him. He's going to have to overcome his desire to be nice and set some clear limits and boundaries but only he can choose to do this and follow through. It's out of your control.

We are not anywhere near this sort of situation with our guests.

If we were we'd be asking the council for help and/or fellow hosts.

We have had a lot of support from the council and know there is more should we need it.

This is the hard fact. In order to be prioritised they need to be homeless and he needs to end the arrangement. With no soft landing. I'm afraid that's the way here, they are not going to prioritise them for anything whilst they've somewhere to live.

As to the question of what the accommodation will be like, it will depend on what's available. He can't get drawn into that though. I'm afraid this lady will have to just sort it out with the council