To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

I've had a bit more time to think on this situation and I think your MiL is allowed to invite who she wants to on holiday with her. The issue here is that your DH didn't rock the boat or say no to his mother. This is a classic DH issue.

As some others have suggested, if niece is going for the 1st week and you're supposed to be joining for the second, niece is going to have one of the rooms set up as her room. It's going to be a given. So what I would do is send DH and DS and you and your daughter have a wonderful break at home without the boys.

If anyone asks, just say that as niece was going, you felt that she would be best placed to attend to MiL's needs and wants during the break as she was going for 2 weeks and DH and DS wanted to go. You didn't mind sitting this one out.

Then have a conversation with your DH and suggest to him that if it was you, and some younger boy (not your son, say a friend of your son or a nephew) being asked to share a room, would he be ok with that? I think he'd be hard pressed to say no, he wouldn't be ok with it so why would it be ok for your son to be asked to do it?

I also don't see it as an actual impossibility (much less anything improper as such) for a 14yo boy to share a room with his grandmother. Not ideal, but the world won't come to a screeching halt, either. However, if there's the option to sleep in the lounge or even camp, I'd suggest that.

The part I'd have a bigger problem with would be the change in dynamic with your niece there, particularly if she's the Golden Grandchild. I wouldn't want to spend more on food, etc because she's there, either. She can pay her own way, or MIL can, or her parents can!

I'd hesitate to book far in advance again, next year. Maybe it's time for this tradition to change, if MIL doesn't see the need to check with everyone before inviting another person for the time you're there, particularly when there's not really enough room to add in more people without inconveniencing someone.

Just a thought. Is it the IOS, if so you could ask if you can put a tent up in the garden. We've done that before and it worked a treat.

I think that would be fine if it was made clear before the OP had spent money on it based on one set of expectations. ‘Just to let you know that this year niece is coming and this is what I’m thinking.’ Then OP’s family could’ve made a decision with all of the information available.

Yes but it’s his mum that he’s dealing with as a result, it’s a problem that he’s directly dealing with as it’s his side of the family. Anyway.

Yep. It's more than that she's paying for it, too. It's a traditional and clearly very important annual 'pilgrimage' for her.
It's primarily her holiday.

How! DS goes away with his grandparents every year they share a room.

This is what I would do. You and the kids stay elsewhere. Your DH can stay with his mother (or with you) and Golden Grandchild can stay and help with Grandmother/MiL.
Take you and your kids out of the equation. Even if you have 2-3 days in one accommodation and the remainder elsewhere (I'm trying to think of costs here).

Hope you manage to get it sorted.

Having been on trip earlier this year, sharing a hotel room with two teenage GSs I can assure you there was no farting, wanking and smelling. The boys were well behaved as well.

I think if MIL is paying for the accommodation she actually does get a say in it.

So this is MIL's traditional annual holiday, on an expensive island, in a presumably expensive house that she pays for herself every year, and invites other family members to join her.

If that's the case she has just as much right to invite her granddaughter as she does to invite you.

Would I be irritated in your place? Yes, of course. I've been in a similar situation, due to my lovely late FIL whose generosity and hospitality knew no bounds. In that case he invited the next door neighbour's daughter without even consulting my MIL!

But in your position, I hope I'd recognise that I'm there by invitation and it's her right to invite who she likes to this place that clearly means a lot to her.

If your DS is genuinely happy to sleep in the lounge, then let him. If this place means a lot to him, he'd probably prefer that to there being a horrible atmosphere around the place, and feeling awkward about niece having to move her stuff and her and his grandma huffing and puffing about it.

don't do all that long winded stuff. "MIL, DS needs his own space" and then send him and DH (with or without the 3 year old) and you bow out of it.

I wouldn't ever want to share a room with a 14 year old boy. Farting and wanking and smelling as they do (and it is perfectly all right for them to be like that, that's just how they are)

In your shoes, I would just think to myself that now niece is going, you’re off the hook. The four of you can do your own thing, MIL and DN can do theirs. Obviously MIL wants to spend time with her seeing as she’s invited her along. So let her. You four will see plenty of them in the house as you come and go - half a morning here, an afternoon there, dinner or breakfast. Just do your own thing now.

I think I'd send a message along the following lines:

"Hi MIL, I've just heard that DN will be joining our family holiday - how lovely, it will be great to spend some time with her! (Even if it won't, best to start off friendly!)

We just wanted to confirm that the bedroom arrangements won't be changing, as I'm sure you'd agree it would be much more suitable for DN to share with you than for teenage DS. If DN does want to take a different room for the week before we arrive, if she could ensure she's all moved out before we arrive so DS can get settled, it would be appreciated.

The four of us have been really looking forward to this break, and we've carefully budgeted to ensure we can afford a few treats while we're away, but just wanted to be clear that although we're really pleased DN will be joining us, we aren't in a position to subsidise her trip/pay for her meals/drinks etc. We just thought it best to be clear upfront to avoid any confusion."

It's probably a bit OTT, but I couldn't resist having a bash - it's so much easier when it isn't your own MIL though, isn't it?! Not sure I'd have the guts to send it to my own!

I think the only part you can complain about without seeming like a brat about your heavily subsidised holiday is DS being booted out of his room. I would also be very disappointed though. I guess that's the trouble with family holidays, they aren't just 'yours'.

Can you tell MIL that you heard niece is joining you all, how lovely, but you just wanted to check that BIL had the wrong end of the stick about rooms. DS isn't sharing with her is he, as that would be very inappropriate! So long as DS still has his room then all is good and you can't wait.

God I'd be cancelling quicker than you can say "family emergency". Lunacy.

Just an opinion, I wouldn’t say my husband’s brother’s child was anything other than my niece. It might not be the family dynamic. Thinking about it, it could be that they’ve been together only 5 years and she’s only known the niece as an adult.

Given your update - 6 beds, 6 people- I would suggest to DH that if he still insists on going, the bedrooms are:

MiL / DD
DH/DS
you/SIL

I think it is unfair to spring it on you but I honestly can't see the issue with your son sharing with his gran. I've shared a hotel room with teenage grandsons. Everyone changing in the ensuite and wasn't an issue. Obviously if he wasn't happy it would be different but if he's close to his gran and is OK with it I don't see what the outrage is.

Maybe it's because we are campers so quite relaxed about sharing spaces.

This is the best solution. Send husband and son - they can share a room - and stay home with younger child.

Win / win - hubby sends time with his mummy, and you get to do what you like for a week.

Apart from this being irrelevant nitpicking, it’s to describe the, very relevant, family dynamic relating to her DH’s side of the family. Obviously.

Personally I think niece should be sharing with grandma. You could always get an air bed in the living room for your son. If your really not happy about it I would say something now

I would not be letting my 14 year old boy share a room with his grandma - that’s not right at all.

i would send dh with ds and maybe dd or you stay home with dd. Then ds and dh can share a room. If mil complains, tough. Your 14 year old sons need for a room trumps your nieces imo.

I’m sorry but your niece and MIL should share a room for the second week.

If your DH doesn't see an issue with any of this, then he can share a room with his mum! I would actually cancel the flights if you can get some of the money back. You'll end up having to pay for your DH's niece.