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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed DH’s niece is now coming on holiday with us

288 replies

Mossyroller · 24/06/2024 19:32

MIL books two weeks at the same house on the same dates each year; her and FIL holidayed there every year till he died 4 years ago. Since then we have holidayed with her for one of the weeks as she doesn’t want to go on her own for the whole time.
We pay for our own flights and with 4 of us that’s not cheap, and we take her out/ generally organise stuff like trips/meals. (Things she wouldn’t do on her own). Flights were booked 9 months ago.

Niece (24) has just split from her boyfriend and DH tells me today that MIL has booked and paid for her flights to join us, and that she is staying for the 2 weeks.

Niece has only met DD3 once this last Christmas, and for some reason kept making DD cry (I think it was because she didn’t know her and was quite awkward with her?). She ignored or seemed frustrated with the children, made zero effort, didn’t contribute in anyway and clearly had zero interest in our family (which I do get a bit as she is a young adult now). To be honest I’d tried so hard over the years to keep in contact with her, have sent birthday cards/gifts, all to no acknowledgement, that after Xmas day I stopped and suggested DH maintained an effort which he hasn’t.

The holiday house has 3 bedrooms so apparently now DS14, is going to share a room with grandma (82), so Niece can have her own room. I think that’s a bit off?

It changes the dynamic as Niece doesn’t want to do the stuff we normally do. And MIL has always made it clear niece is the ‘golden’ grandchild.

I’m a bit miffed and DH doesn’t see it at all, he says it’ll just be what it is, that I’m being completely unreasonable, am I though?

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 24/06/2024 20:42

Niece needs to share with MIL.

ThatOpenSwan · 24/06/2024 20:41

Very unreasonable to grudge a family member coming on a family holiday, not unreasonable re: your son not sharing a room with his gran, unreasonable again on not being happy with the sleeping in the lounge idea because of what, some weird sense of principle?

Just get over it and have a nice time on your nice holiday where the wildly expensive accommodation is costing you nothing and the kids can maybe get to know their cousin a bit more.

Also I'm assuming it's Scilly, in which case lol at the people suggesting you can just casually get more accommodation.

wordler · 24/06/2024 20:41

Are you going for the first week or the second?

If the second, niece will be firmly ensconced in one of the bedrooms anyway.

Is there an option of creating a little sleeping area in the lounge for DS?

Get DH to tell MIL that DS can’t share with Grandma - he’ll have to sleep in lounge, which also means lounge is then unusable from his bedtime onwards. Perhaps niece could sleep in lounge for one week and then in second week she gets her pick of the bedrooms.

Make sure niece is on washing up rota!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 24/06/2024 20:41

Niece needs to share with Grandma. A teenage boy shouldn't have to share with his Grandma, that'snon-negotiable.

I wouldn't be happy but if niece shares with Grandma and you just crack on doing what you want to do then I'd personally accept it. She's an adult, you don't need to entertain her.

Mumofoneandone · 24/06/2024 20:40

Check that the accommodation will allow the extra person - most are really strict on numbers and you could be kicked out if additional people are there.
Don't book another holiday with her, she then can't pull this sort of stunt!

mistymirror · 24/06/2024 20:39

CelesteCunningham · 24/06/2024 19:34

YANBU about DS losing his room. Otherwise YABU.

Agree with this.

minipie · 24/06/2024 20:39

Why can’t niece go for the other week, the one you’re not there for? Seems like the obvious answer?

Avatartar · 24/06/2024 20:39

Think I’d tell MIL that niece needs to share with her as DS needs a good old tug first thing in the morning and it will be tricky with her in the room! That may ruin her view of your DS - perhaps say he’s hit puberty and needs privacy or to be with someone of the same sex. Make sure you don’t dip in your pocket for meals - hand the credit card to DH to sort out so he knows what niece is costing

MrsMiddleMother · 24/06/2024 20:38

RampantIvy · 24/06/2024 20:37

You have both DC in with you and your husband can sleep in the lounge.

Make it clear before any excursions or meals out that you aren't paying for everyone.

Presumably the 24 year old niece has a job so she can pay her way.

Exactly this!

DexaVooveQhodu · 24/06/2024 20:38

I asked my 14yo how he'd feel in this scenario and he said "Hell no" - that would be the worst possible holiday. I asked him to express it in a way that wouldn't be rude to grandma and he said it's not possible to talk about this idea without swearing.

Could you change your flights to go in the other week? Assuming niece isn't there the whole fortnight? Might be cheaper than booking different accommodation.

RampantIvy · 24/06/2024 20:37

You have both DC in with you and your husband can sleep in the lounge.

Make it clear before any excursions or meals out that you aren't paying for everyone.

Presumably the 24 year old niece has a job so she can pay her way.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/06/2024 20:37

More appropriate for niece to share with GMA than your son.
Niece should just be going for a week

Hankunamatata · 24/06/2024 20:37

I'd tell mil and bil that ds will not be sharing a room with grandma so neice will have to

coxesorangepippin · 24/06/2024 20:36

Guaranteed your niece will not help out either at all

BabyFedUp445 · 24/06/2024 20:35

I wouldn't go. If DH is so keen, let him go with the kids. Fuck that. DN and MIL sound very annoying.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 24/06/2024 20:33

Niece shares with grandma.

RedHelenB · 24/06/2024 20:32

bluebeck · 24/06/2024 19:35

Tell them DS can’t share with MIL so you won’t be going.

Can't he sleep in the lounge?

BuggeryBumFlaps · 24/06/2024 20:31

Ds can't share a room with grandma thats not on.
Also how would it work with taking grandma out, will dn pay for herself or are you expected to foot that bill too?

Tbh I'd cancel if I could, if not I'd try and book an apartment or hotel and meet up not grandma now and again. If you do arrange to go out make it clear that you'll happily pay your own way and go 50/50 for grandmas meal with dn

SpikeyDee · 24/06/2024 20:31

I think YANBU for any of it. She had no business inviting the niece without discussing it with you. I appreciate she is providing the accommodation but given you’ve paid for the flights, you’ve spent money to be there and revolve your holiday around MIL. She should not have unilaterally made a decision which will affect your enjoyment of the holiday.

Original poster
Mossyroller · 24/06/2024 20:31

To answer a few Q’s-

DH was told today by brother in law (nieces dad). I suspect he and MIL booked the flights for niece and no we weren’t included in any conversations around this.
I have absolutely said DS should not be sharing with Grandma, and have suggested DH tells MIL that. Bless DS he’s just said he doesn’t mind where he sleeps so long as grandmas happy (he loves it there, it is beautiful) but it is well weird I think for him to share with her when it really isn’t necessary. I think DH doesn’t want to rock the boat, which he very much has form for when it comes to his family.

MIL pays for the accommodation each year. It’s a small very expensive island off the U.K., and finding somewhere else for us 4 to stay would be expensive and probably quite tricky given places tend to be booked way in advance.

DD3 will sleep in with us. DS could sleep in the lounge but I don’t think he should have to, he should have the bedroom he was going to have.

I totally agree that if I go then I’m going to suggest MIL and niece do their own things together, and we can still do family stuff just us 4. To PP who said we’d be expected to pay for niece to join in the trips/meals you are absolutely correct!! The more I think of it the more it’s winding me up; i can’t exactly explain it but it’s like MIL changes who she is around niece and we become an annoyance, but the rest of the time she loves us to help/include her (which I am now realising I have done far too much of rather than her own sons!).

OP posts:
Dearg · 24/06/2024 20:30

I would be telling Grandma that no-way was a 14 year old boy sharing a room with her, that’s just wrong! So either she shares with DNiece , or you cancel, or you find alternative accommodation. (Which, assuming I could change flights/ refund etc, I would be unable to do at this point. Oh dear)

Or suggest Grandma has some quality time with her golden grandchild , and you won’t intrude.

Iaskedyouthrice · 24/06/2024 20:29

You revolve the 2 weeks around your mil the least you could expect is for your family to be comfortable.

Purpleday1 · 24/06/2024 20:28

There is no way a 14 year old son can share with his grandmother and I would be well pissed off with your husband for not getting it.
I would be cancelling and your MIL would never be accommodated again.
She clearly thinks she is doing you a huge favour and doesn't owe you the basic courtesy of checking with you.
I would be furious having to explain this to my husband.

If you do go and your son sleeps on the sofa, head off and do your own thing as a family, days out, meals out etc.
Do not pay for meals for MIL and niece.
Let them off.

6pence · 24/06/2024 20:27

Less pressure on you to do things with mil. Ds can sleep on the sofa if needs be. Go, but do exactly what you want this time..

Iaskedyouthrice · 24/06/2024 20:27

I would tell them my 14 year old son would either get his own room or we ain't going.