Would you be able to be honest with this mum

If you're independently friends with his mum, enough to go on holiday together, then it should be fine to be pretty honest.
I mean, you don't know the full picture, but you can easily just casually say, 'i think dd reckons he's got a crush on her and she's not keen'. In a pretty light-hearted way, like 'lol, kids, eh?'
Then just change the subject.
This must happen all the time with opposite gender friendships as they grow up and hit puberty. DD doesn't have to be friends with him anymore if she doesn't want to, but you can still be mates with his mum, surely?

Be sympathetic towards the boy who doesn’t get ‘no means no’ with her daughter? Thats a great way to let her daughter know how supportive her mum is about being harassed by men in future. Always an excuse for it is there, these poor guys can’t help themselves, they just go mad for a pretty girl don’t they 🙄.

This is her daughter’s first experience of unwanted attention from a guy. It won’t be her last. This is a defining moment in learning it’s ok to set her boundaries and not have to think of kindness or friendship in the future to make up for it. She needs her mum to back her 100% on this, and that means letting the boys mum know that her daughter is no longer going to be spending time with him. Whether she wants to go into the ‘why’s’ of it may take more time, but no means no is the key lesson here including saying ‘daughter won’t be coming, end of story’.

I would do whatever DD wanted in that situation. She seems like a sensible girl, she's told him she isn't interested and distanced herself. Unless I felt she was unable to protect herself I would respect her choices on what she wants to happen next.

If my child was being inappropriate I would want to know so as a friend to his mum it would be good to share it. They're still very young and learning what's appropriate and what is not. Sounds like he needs some adult guidance. However, what DD wants would override that for me. I wouldn't want to break her trust when she is doing the right thing in distancing herself and talking to you.

yes, this. i think making all these excuses long term is ridiculous. You can still be friend's with Dave's mum, but perhaps for a while, you aren't forcing them to spend time together. Make sure you are sympathetic towards dave in that it's never nice to have feelings that aren't recipriocated but you don't have to force your dd to do things if she doesn't feel comfortable. the relationoship has moved on, unfortunately, it's moved in different preferred directions so it might come to an end. Or, they might be able to rekindle the friendship later. Who knows.

@FluentRubyDog i was raped at the same age by the family friend because our parents thought it was cute that he had a crush on me. That’s why I feel so strongly about this. He acted very similarly to this kid. Constantly saying what he wanted to do to me every time he saw me. Sending me letters, etc. (pre-phones) Creeped me out and nobody took my feelings seriously.

Avoiding someone and making excuses is neither people pleasing or setting a good example. You need to pull your big girl pants up. Just explain to other mum the truth Dave has expressed feelings for DD and wants more, she doesn’t and so has cooled things and doesn’t want to hang out.

I think that works

He's a tween, you battleaxe.

Yes, some serious conversations are neccessary here, but in an age and development appropriate way.

OP, I would seriously encourage you to put people pleasing aside and have a very honest conversation with Dave's mom about how to take this forward BEFORE your trip, for the sake of your friendship and theirs.

I would just say Dave seems to want to be more than friends, DD doesn't so feels a bit uncomfortable meeting up with Dave at the moment. That's all really, make it clear you still want to maintain a friendship with Dave's mum, but that doesn't mean Dave and DD need to be friends too

This is all you need to do.

I'd go with that. Dave might not want his mum knowing about his crushes.

KreedKafer
people can talk about other people but it’s a slippery slope laughing about them, especially something private, fine that they chatted but laughing at someone isn’t great

Tbh it's a bit strange to still arrange to meet up with the kids in tow now they are no longer little. Just meet up with her as adults. And yes, if she asks, tell her DD is not comfortable around Dave and why.

This - a two stage approach is perfect. If the mum pushes, you go on to stage two and be more frank. Hopefully she’ll have the sense not to do that.

This is perfectly acceptable.

No, they are perfectly entitled to talk about laugh about boys, in private, if they want to.

You 'overheard' your brother and his friends, which means they clearly didn't know you were earwigging on them. You heard something you weren't meant to and that's a shame but it doesn't mean people aren't allowed to have conversations about people who aren't in the room with them.

If the OP's friends were talking about boys in front of the boys in question, that would be unpleasant. But they were not. Dave wasn't there. They were chatting amongst themselves at the OP's house which they are perfectly entitled to do and which is 100% normal for a bunch of kids. I wouldn't be telling a teenage girls that she wasn't allowed to talk to her mates about something a boy did/said that made her feel uncomfortable.

I think just be honest about it. Say Dave wants a romantic relationship while your DD doens't. If you keep coming up with excuses, she might press on which leads to more lies.

These kids are secondary school age and I think it's really odd for Dave's mum to be having this much involvement in his friendship (or lack thereof) with your DD. I appreciate that she may worry about him not having many friends, but she can't possibly expect to force closeness between two kids who are now at secondary school. They're not 5-year-olds any more and she can't expect to be setting up bloody playdates for them.

If she brings this up again, I think I would breezily say something like 'Well, they aren't little kids any more. I suspect it's a case of hormones kicking and feelings changing - when they get to this age it's normal for friendships to ebb and for kids to grow apart, so I think they just have to be left to get on with it without parents getting involved. DD is at the age where I want to respect her privacy, so I'm not going to push it with her - it is what it is.'

If Dave's mum pushes it, then I would say 'OK, I didn't really want to get into this, but from what DD has said, Dave has been pushing for her to be more than friends with him and she doesn't want that, so the whole dynamic has become uncomfortable for her.'

Yes, I’d want to know as well, I don’t like all this soft soaping appeasement shit. He’s said something inappropriate already.

Agree with this.

Tbh i would personally take a different approach than PPs and be more honest and upfront. I would explain that sadly, DD feels uneasy around Dave now due to him having expressed feelings more than friendship, with the main issue being he is continuing to say things to her despite her telling him she is not interested.

Dave needs to be taught boundaries.

I’d probably be a bit blunt to be honest, I have sons and I’d want to know if they weren’t taking no for an answer from a girl. I’d probably say ‘daughter doesn’t want to come, Dave seems to have developed feelings for her (which of course can happen with teens), but he seems to be having difficulty letting go of the fact daughter isn’t interested. She’s not actually feeling comfortable talking to him due to him crossing boundaries, to be honest I’d be grateful if you had a word’. It may be bloody awkward but no one needs another lad turning into one of those men…

I would seriously take the inappropriate comment with a pinch of salt as you don’t even know what he is supposed to have said. It could well be exaggerated gossip between girls.

Just say to the mum that Dave confessed he has feelings for your DD and as it’s not reciprocated, a little distance for now is best for both of them.

I might advise your DD to limit how much gossip she gives her friends. Teenage girls are notorious for being frenemies and sharing “juicy gossip” about yourself could come back to bite her.

Also agree just tell Dave’s mum that Dave seems to have feelings for DD and is speaking inappropriately to her, and making her feel uncomfortable.

I think say he has pushed it a bit and you can imply that it's hard with other boys who may be encouraging him to be a certain way or not take no for an answer. If I was the mum I'd want to know and she might be able to have a word with him that would be very instructive for him as a young man! Dont be super vague, you can say the situation but also that you really like Dave etc as she may be feeling hurt or defensive at the point?